Where have I been?

At the doctor mostly...but all things considered we're doing just fine.


Baby E will be 9 months old this week and it's gone much faster than it did with C.  After getting through the first 3 months of her life, things settled quickly. It's amazing how a new bottle, and no tubes and monitors really does the trick?!!


We are gearing up for some big doctor appointments here this month where they'll decide when her surgery takes place. I'm a nervous wreck thinking about it, but it's got to happen.  Little E is growing so well and she's a joy to be around. So far we haven't seen any development delays which is what I'm most afraid of with her PRS. She crawling a ton right now and even thinks she can walk on most days. 


I love this stage - 6 months to 18 months is magical. Baby snuggles, longer stretches of sleep and new discoveries around the corner. I feel blessed every day.


Hoping you all are well.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I really wanted to continue my past post...but I'm sooo exhausted. Little E is not a great sleeper. She wakes up about 10 times between the hours of 3am-5am. I give her her paci back and she'll sleep, but then she's up again 20-30 mins later. I'm dying.  C was not like this.

Reflections

Here, sitting at work on the most mundane Tuesday ever and LOVING IT!  You know why, because today is one of the good days.  The days when you can't get out of bed you're so tired because your 4-month old isn't sleeping through the night, when your 3 year old has a meltdown at daycare drop off and wants his matchbox cars, when it's pouring rain outside and uber cold, when you have too much office work to do and a co-worker is rude. Yes, yes - these are the good days. I looked back at my few short blog posts while baby E was in the hospital and I am so sure that today is a good day.   


I thought about going back to fix the 100s of typos I made throughout those posts, but they speak to my stress, lack of sleep and utter state of survival. That's what it was, mere survival.  We have crossed over and seem to be living now...really living.  The good, the bad, the ugly but living it.


I can't even begin to describe how far we've come in 4.5 months but I will try.  Those first 2 weeks were pure hell.  Leaving the hospital without baby E was excruciating.  The unknown, the hospital, the commuting, recovery, taking care of a toddler.  Just so incredibly awful, but thankful for great doctors, my mom, my strong little E and my hubby E.  We have made it pretty far. 


Baby E had a feeding tube until the first week of December. Those weeks with the tube were terrible but it was the only thing keeping our gal from major surgery and going back to the hospital so we kept up the routine of bottle feeding, feeding tube, pumping breast milk, washing bottles and pump parts...doctor's appointments...around the clock for weeks on end. 


I had to mourn breastfeeding - now I was an exclusive pumper. It made me so sad not to be able to feed her at the breast like I did her brother. I had so badly wanted this and ahead of her birth I was really looking forward to this bonding time.  You'd think this would be the least of my worries, but when feeding is your LIFE and you have a child with physical challenges to feeding, simple things are complicated.  Learning new feeding techniques wasn't on the agenda.  Providing food for your child is the most basic of parental activities and our new way of feeding so truly foreign to us.  I felt like a new mom all over again. Unsure of myself and living in a fog.  Yes, there was mourning, but then there was acceptance, learning, success and celebration with each feed.


The feeding tube and pump was like an unwanted member of our family.  None of us wanted to deal with it, but it was a necessity. Inevitably, the tube came out in the middle of the night and I had to put it back in. Screaming baby, 4am and mommy got that sucker in there like a pro. I am still so proud of myself for this.  Her face tape had to be replaced almost daily, baby E screamed and thrashed, but it had to be done.  Her weekly weigh-ins were so nerve-wracking. When one we she only gained an ounce, the docs ordered a sleep study and a swallow study. Yikes, those were complicated and maybe I'll write about them soon. 


Baby E was a champ though; she was doing so well with her bottle and still gaining weight, the docs let us take her feeding tube out. We opened a very expensive bottle of wine that night as it was the first time since the moments she was born that we could see our gal's little face clearly.  Something so simple as seeing her face clearly and it made us so joyful.  No tube, no tape, no rash...just our little E.  She looked like a normal baby, aside from her small chin. I didn't have to explain to people "what was wrong with her" anymore. Not that anyone ever said it like that thankfully, but there were questions...I had to explain...it was hard sometimes but we persevered.  


TO BE CONTINUED....

I'm here

Soo sorry. I'm alive. We are doing well-aside from a sickness I can't seem to shake. I'm back at work and little ine just started daycare. Life is crazy right now but in a much better way than we were 4 months ago. I promise to write more later. 

Thankful

For my daughter and son- words I truly thought I might never write. And here are a few more things I never thought I'd be thankful for:

A relatively short NICU/hospital stay

Dr. Brown's specialty bottles

A hospital grade breast pump

Passing the swallow study

Mitten cuff pjs

Only using an NG tube/feeding pump infrequently now

A husband who attended the sleep study

Life Is hard these days...really really hard, but we're chugging thru!

Home

Going to be a quick one...likely full of typos again, sorry guys. 

We have been home a week. They discharged us after Baby E looked to be gaining a little weight and making progress with her new bottle. Frankly, we were gonna break her out anyway because E and I were managing her care essentially at that point not the docs/nurses. We only needed their equipment. 

So we came home with new equipment...and a nurse that comes once a week. At yesterday's weigh in, baby E had gained more than an ounce a day!!!! Which is incredible. So we aredoing  something right.

So much to manage between her health, taking care of mine...our very active bug C. Geting through this one feed at a time.

Still at the Hospital

We are doing better but still in the hospital. Baby E is learning to eat with a specialized bottle that takes time and energy to learn- fo her and for us. She needs to do most of her eating with this new bottle before we can go home. Also, she needs to gain weight. This is the one we're struggling with right now. She's expensing so much energy learning to eat. 

We are iht of the NICU which has its pros and cons of course. Being in a regular ward makes us feel more human- amazing what a window and a private room will do for your spirits. 

E and I have been alrernating nights here at hospital. Whoever stays gets about 3-4 hours of sleep that might between the feedings, a newborn baby, all the beeps that  go off constantly and oh, the annoying people who take citals every 4 hours. 

I beleive we'll be able to avoid makor surgery till she's 10-12 months ild which is great, but we have a ways to go before discharge. 

I'm functioning on so little aleep these days and processing so much important info, I cant believe my brain is actually working. 

8 days old and our gal hates her diaper changes, but she's our lone ranger- our fighter and with a lot of learning, new care techniques, love and FOOD, she will be just fine. 

E and I will be learning how to feees her at home with a nasal feeding tube. Seems so daunting right, but I memtioned that bith my kids were concieved via IVF amd our nirse said, ummm if you can inject yourself with multiple shots, eapecially IM ones, this will be a piece of cake. We can wndure this and as a fav mommy nlogher of mine notes- we can do hatd things. I'm doing it every day.

She's here

Baby E is here! Quick post but we have been thrown a curve ball called pierre robin sequence- just google it bc its a weird one to explain. Life started out in NICU....and now we're at a huge top rated children's hospital 2 days after birth. Heartbreaking to see our gal with such struggles. We are living hour to hour. But think in the end she'll be ok. 

Three More Days as a Family of Three

This post is all over the place so apologies!

It's surreal, I have to say. To be this close is so exciting. My emotions are all over the place it seems. I'm excited, hopeful, worried, scared, nervous, elated, exhausted and overjoyed all at once.

My fluid levels have stayed about the same and docs are still not worried. The swelling in my feet seems to be better than last week which is nice and I'm finally home for good.

I am teleworking which is great because I was just so tired of getting dressed every morning for work and dealing with the commute. The last few days at work were pretty stressful getting ready to head out but now I feel like things are under control and I'm ready. 

I hope I can handle being a mommy of 2. Today I got sad because I wasn't doing drop offs and pick ups for C at day care. I won't be doing that the majority of the time on maternity leave either. That time is both difficult and cherished. But I'm comforted by the fact that while I'm on maternity leave, I can decide to keep him home with me more and have some extra special days.  Having the option is great though I know we'll have him go to day care at least 4 days every week to keep up that continuity, but I can pick him up early or drop off late if we want.  I realize that when you have more kids the love grows, but I want to be sure C gets just as much as he was getting before. I know at first, the adjustment to mommy's time will be hard. Thankfully, he's still very much a daddy's boy so E will likely be the main man.

Last OB appointment is Wednesday and then c-sesction is Thursday. Here we go!

We're Getting Close

Like...really close. 16 days close to be exact, but something tells me she's going to come sooner than that.  Fluid levels at my last check remained unchanged which was good. Of course, going down would have been better, but I can work with words like "stable" and "high side of normal."  Baby girl measured a little over 6 pounds at the last check.  My next check is tomorrow and I'm hoping for another "unchanged" fluid check and a 7 pounder in there.

Yesterday, we had a bit of a scare and I ended up in Labor and Delivery for about an hour. Sunday night, baby girl's movements were much different. It had me worried. She's usually super active after dinner and I just wasn't feeling it. Plus movements were softer and not as forceful as they used to be. I laid in bed for awhile and felt her multiple times so I figured everything was likely OK and I was just a bit nuts. Plus, I used the doppler so I knew her heart was beating away.  Then yesterday, I was feeling nauseous, and sweaty all morning. Sitting at my desk for a conference call, I thought I might melt into a puddle right in my chair. So I called the doc, explained the decreased/changed movement patter and my general "awfulness" - they sent me right to the hospital.

Thankfully, once there, a nurse found me and used the doppler right away to check on heartbeat - perfect. Then they got me a room and hooked me up for about 30 mins to monitor baby's movement and heartbeats. She did great and I got to go home after about a full hour of being there. I had to get back to work still feeling nauseous, but sucked it up. I was so relieved and my doctors are so nice- they told me never never to hesitate if I feel movement has been different. In fact, my one doc said I should have come in Sunday evening instead. "Don't mess around" were her exact words. So I won't, ever again.

Today, I'm feeling much better and looking forward to tomorrow's check on the baby. We've been doing weekly ultrasounds to check the fluid so it's great to see her each week.  A few more days to go...I can hardly believe it.

Fluid levels

Well last week's level rose by 1 point which docs still aren't worried about so I didn't have any MFM appointments. I have another check up tomorrow. Truly hoping that the fluid level went down or - at this point - is even the same as last week.  Baby girl is super active which is very reassuring...and was head down at my last appointment. Hoping she stays that way but with lots of fluid, there's room to move.

Another quick update

Some recent news about 2 good friends' miscarriages has really been weighing heavily.  Both gals had been trying for too long and these were much wanted pregnancies. I am so incredibly saddened by the news of bad stuff happening to the best people.

In other not-so-great news, my amniotic fluid levels were borderline high at my last appointment Friday so we go back Thursday for a check. If it's still borderline high, I'll go see a high-risk specialist to help me make sense of what's going on. From what my OB said, in about half of cases where this happens, there's no known reason. In the other half it can be due to gestational diabetes (which I don't have) or birth defects which neither blood work or US have been able to detect. Really hoping fluid level goes back to normal Thursday.  Baby girl was squirming around in there a lot - weighing in at 5lbs 4oz.

OMG - I'm living with a maniac!

Two-year old little boys are maniacs. How come they don't come with manuals?!!?!? I tried the off-the shelf books to no avail. Had a rough weekend of toddler defiance and boy, that kid is just so physical I can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do.  He's really lucky he's adorable or else.  I've solicited for some good toddler skills with friends so we'll try out some new things tonight, but I'm tired. Gotta love when E is out of town too!

33 weeks and counting - we're getting ready for our little gal's arrival here soon. I can hardly believe it!

Success!

Night #3 and C slept the entire night up in his big boy room all by himself. I am so thrilled and well-rested.  The first night was hell, the second night was tough, but the third night was perfect. I almost couldn't believe it when I woke up about 4:30 am to use the bathroom and realized I hadn't been woken up prior to that. I knew the kid could do it, I just wasn't sure how long it would take. I am sure there will be some nights where things don't go perfectly, but I think we're making really great progress. 

Walking past the empty nursery is bitter sweet. The emptiness makes me sad for our boy who is growing up but I know the only reason he's not in there is to make way for his baby sister who will be here in about 8 weeks.  Truly feeling blessed today.  

The Cutest Ever

Quick updates:
Everything is going well with baby girl. She's still kicking up a storm in there. We're about a week or 2 away from moving C up to his big boy room. He's been excited about the space so far, which is good. And we are on the verge of potty training which I think will begin on Monday at day care. Lots going on. I'm home alone in the evenings a lot still as E has been working really long and hard. We're tired. 

Anyway, I just needed to pop in to document the cutest thing that C did this morning on the way to work. We asked him if he'd sing to his baby sister when she gets here. He said yes and that he'd sing the "lullaby song" which he promptly began to sing. And where we insert C's name, he appropriately inserted "baby sister" which brought E to tears I'm pretty sure though I didn't call him out on it.  It was so incredibly adorable and sweet. Just a melt-your-heart moment.

C is growing and learning so much these days it's astounding. He speaks really well but there are a few things which really get him.  Just so I don't forget, my favorite C-isms are:

- hiccup truck (for pick up truck)
- vini van (for mini van)
- hahhhma hahhhma cheese (Parmesan cheese)

Tired - emotionally and physically

Baby girl is doing great! Mommy, not so much. I'm healthy, she's healthy and that's all I should care about...and truthfully, it's all I really do.

But then there's life on top of that - E working late ALL THE TIME. Not like 7pm late...like 10pm late. A parental visit gone bad, BH contractions if I walk down the hall to the bathroom, feeling like I'm gaining too much weight, home renovations, 90+ degree weather and a 34th b-day which took a turn for the worse.

I'm OK in the end....just emotionally and physically exhausted. No idea how I'll make it 11 more weeks. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other these days.  11 more weeks seems like a lot on one hand and then it seems like nothing all at once. This is the last pregnancy for sure sure.. I'll never have this again. I am soo grateful and lucky that we are where we are. But I'm tired too - competing emotions are difficult. 

On a happy note, I had a flash yesterday of what it might be like to raise a girl. I was clipping papers to a folder for review and thought...oh I wondering if our little gal will wear clips in her hair? I'll be doing hair every morning before school! Hhaha what a simple but funny thought. I fix C's hair in the morning, but I just wet it with a spray bottle and brush. There will be ponytails, pigtails, clips, bows and braids. I'd better start practicing!

27 weeks

13 more weeks to go! Wow, that seems both really long and really short. I remember being 13 weeks pregnant and being thrilled to finally be in the second trimester. Now I'm on the verge of the 3rd.

Renovations are underway to move C into his big boy room and make room for this little girl coming our way. I'm excited to see these rooms come together as it will really feel like our house is FULL. What a great feeling.

Impending Sense of Doom

**Warning, this post might seem totally bat-sh*t crazy to any reader still TTC.  Please skip it if you're not in a place to hear a tiny bit of irrational.**

I have the crazies from time to time. Like, "life is good...and something really really bad is about to happen any second now."  I can't read the news without bursting into tears. Reading about all the terrible parents out there lands me in a sopping mess. Leaving your kid in a hot car to die while you're passed out drunk somewhere?!?! Yeah that happened. I read about bricks falling off a building in NYC and them falling on a 3 year old - killing her. Will that happen to us?  Her poor parents never thought in a million years this might happen to their daughter. 

I used to feel this way a little when I was pregnant with C but I think now that I'm on the verge of getting everything I ever really wanted in life, the impending sense of doom is really creeping in more and more. I'm convinced something totally terrible is about to happen to C - will someone snatch him? When I kiss him good-by at day care, I sometimes wonder if it will be the last time I ever see him.  Will he get hit by a car? Come down with some incurable illness? Same goes for E as well as baby girl.  Am I just a few seconds away from falling down a flight of stairs and loosing my pregnancy?!?! This is insane, yet it's what I think about. 

It leads me to remember that the mundane days are the good days... these are the days we long for.  When everything is not exciting.  Part of me knows just how crappy life can get. I should be happy for the good days. And I am. I just get nervous because I know that even though I'm on the verge of tackling the biggest hill I've ever encountered in my lifetime, there are likely bigger and tougher ones ahead. And I have no idea what they might look like...no way to prepare.  Last year we dealt with infertility and E's job loss. This year has brought much happiness thus far, but what will next year bring?

But today is a happy day, heck even a happy hour. Infertility smacks you in the face with the realization that you're not in control.  Wondering what other things in life will teach me that lesson scares me to death.  It's likely I need some professional help again if I can't get these feelings in check.  Let's just say that infertility has robbed me of the innocent joy and happiness I once thought life was all about.

Sorry for the gloomy post. Just had to get it off my chest.

Sucking Wind and the Karate Kid

This little girlie has one heck of a kick. If she gets me in the right spot, I yelp....audibly! It's happened twice so far and the second time I thought E was going to have to pull the car over, he was so worried. It was just so shockingly strong that it took me by surprise.  I plan to ask the OB about that on Friday...perhaps I have a scar there or something which makes it extra sensitive. Who knows...just pretty funny and perhaps a little scary too.

I'm also having a really hard time with any physcial exertion... like walking 2 blocks to day care. Going up the basement stairs any more than twice in a 10 min span. I don't remember feeling this until I was almost 38 weeks with C. I'm only on the verge of 24! I seem to struggle through the day and truthfully, I get the most rest with my feet up while I'm at work.

I've been trying to take it easy as much as possible but then I look at the scale and freak. I'm 4lbs heavier than I was with C at this point. This does not bode well for the glucose test on Friday. I'm pretty nervous about that.

I think the summer heat has also sucked the pregnancy glow from my face. I'm tired and excited to meet this little one. October seems really far away.

What's Been Going On

Just going to jot some things down today - sorry for no narrative:

- Baby girl moves a lot which I love. Still little kicks here and there...I'm waiting for the big ones that C used to give me.

- I can't believe we're almost at 23 weeks!

- Had a few scares...vaginal pressure one day, out of breath the next. Up until 20 weeks, I'd say these pregnancies were very similar, but not any more.  I can barely walk 3 blocks and I'm winded and need to sit. Carrying laundry up from the basement...oh gosh now. I almost pass out. Plan is to ask OB about all this at next Friday's appointment.

- Had to have my heart checked out the other day via echo. I don't have the results back from the doc but the thought of heading to another appointment is really not my cup of tea. I may call to see if cardiologist will give me results over the phone.

- E is healing from surgery on the road to recovery with PT thank goodness.

- Renovations begin on the attic for C's new big boy room on Monday. YIKES!  There's lots to do to get him settled and turn our beautiful boy nursery into a fitting place for our little gal.

- Names: I've changed my mind 100 times between 2 names for baby.

- When E is in NYC for work, it's really tough to be a single parent.

- C is an amazing kiddo. The imaginative play is what really gets me. So much going on in that head of his.

- I'm tired....but loving every minute of exhaustion and uncomfortableness.

- Trying not to "keep up with the Jones'" is tough, isn't it? I am reminded every morning as I feel my gal kick, that we have everything we ever really wanted in life.