Uncharted Territory

I have no idea what to do these days. I am somewhere in between happiness, intense fear and anxiety.  Intense fear and anxiety are winning most times.  I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant with something today.  I say something because until they show me a heartbeat, I don't think I'll actually believe there's a baby growing inside me.  I am counting the hours until beta tomorrow. 

I had to ask another pregnant infertile friend of mine what happens next - because I have no idea.  I will go in tomorrow for beta #3 and if all looks good, I will go in next week sometime for my first US at 6 weeks. Then at 8 weeks I'll go in for another US and if everything looks OK, I'll graduate to the OB's office.  The thought of going to an OB is so absurd to me at this point in time that I can't even think about it.  I'm just trying to live one day at a time.

E and I did say that if things go well tomorrow, we'll let ourselves celebrate a little over the weekend with our pregnant infertile friends.  We have to celebrate the tiny milestones or else we'll go crazy. 

Each morning I wake up and feel absolutely normal is so reassuring to me. No spotting, no cramping so that makes me feel better. I know the absence of these 2 things at this point doesn't mean that we'll have a healthy pregnancy for the next 8 months, but it's the only glimmer of hope I have to hang on to in between appointments.  I have to keep reminding myself that these are a different batch of embryos and just because we suffered a lost last time does not mean we will this time.  It's why REs change people's protocols, meds, etc. 

I am having a hard time sleeping so taking a Benadryl 30 mins before bed has been helping. I don't want to admit to myself how badly I want this baby because I feel like as soon as I let my guard down - the world will come crashing in on me.

Heart-Stopping Craziness

For the past 3 hours my heart has been thumping so fast I think it might pop out of my chest. I am so incredibly nervous about today's results I think I might have a breakdown. I know all this can't be good for the potential child I might be carrying.  I have been trying my best to take deep, slow breaths and concentrate on my work for the day - but it's just not working.

I went in for blood work at 7:30 this morning and won't hear back for at least another 2 hours - could be more like 4.  Unfortunately it's raining here so I can't even get outside at lunch for a nice stroll. Maybe I'll go shopping instead which is what worked over the weekend to help distract me.  Gosh, who would have thought the added costs of IVF include distraction shopping!?! Yeah, I put a dent in the credit card over the weekend but E wasn't mad - money well spent he said. Boy, I love him!

Still no symptoms today except I've been incredibly thirsty - and the best news is still no cramping or spotting.  Today at 20dpo - I was cramping all day and eventually bled when we had our chemical last cycle. 

Please please hang on there embryo!

UPDATE: Beta was 906 - thank god! I am thrilled and will go back in on Wednesday for another beta. Just trying to relax for the rest of the day. I'm sure tomorrow I'll return to my crazy self.

Anxious

Today is Mother's Day. There - I'm just going to say it to get it out of the way.  E and I went to Mass this morning for the first time in a long while.  So many emotions came up during the service.  As far as I know, I'm still pregnant. I just don't know "how" pregnant or if I will end up with my happy ending.  I wanted us to be like all the other families with little ones screaming through the service, climbing on the pews.  Thankfully, the priest did include "mothers to be" in his reference and prayer on Mother's Day. I wish though, that they would include all those who would like to be mothers.  I think we need the most prayers perhaps.

E got me a Mother's Day card from the dog -- and another one from him. I felt a few tears welling up in my eyes but I managed to keep it together.  I am so blessed to have such a sweet and thoughtful husband.

Tomorrow, I go in for beta # 2 and I'm so incredibly scared. I have absolutely no symptoms except for breasts which are a teeny bit sore (no more sore than usual when on progesterone) and TMI - major constipation.  Ever since going off birth control almost 3 years ago, my digestive system had been a little out of whack. These past 2 weeks, it's been really bad though which is not fun.  I am doing my best to use natural remedies by eating lots of fruit, drinking fruit juice, digestive aid teas and Metamucil. I may have to result in something stonger tonight.

I am so scared each time I go to the bathroom that there will be blood. Last time around at 19dpo I started spotting at night ...and then I bled all day on 20dpo.  I am just hoping and praying I make it through tomorrow with no bleeding and a good beta report in the afternoon.

Updates: Today is Beta Day

I can't believe I made it all the way to beta day. I always have this bittersweet feeling about beta day.  On one hand, I'm so eager to find out the results and on the other - not sure I even want to know.

We got back from our trip to see my sister on Tuesday afternoon.  We had a wonderful trip and it was really fun spending time with my new niece. She's absolutely adorable. I think my sister was getting a little jealous because I was holding her so much! It was actually pretty funny.

Well, anyway - onto the good stuff. On Wednesday night (10dp5dt) we broke down and tested with an early result home pregnancy test.  It was positive!  I literally jumped up and down excited and E got nervous.  I guess he was afraid I'd shake the embryo loose or something.  Hahah.

So the wait till today was a bit excruciating but still doable since all my tests leading up to the beta were strong positives.  Today's numbers came in at 315 for 12dp5dt - which the doctor is very pleased with.  I am of course happy, but extremely nervous and I don't think I'll be able to relax until we see a heartbeat.

On our last try, my beta was 760 at 14dp5dt - which was excellent, right on track.  Unfortunately, the fact that this beta is "excellent, right on track" too - doesn't do much to help calm my nerves.  That, and the fact that I have to wait until Monday for my second beta because my clinic doesn't do them on the weekends - is driving me insane. Ordinarily, I'd take a long bath with a giant glass of wine if I was really stressed about something.  Humph, that won't work this time. 

All I can do is hope and pray at this point.  Luckily, I don't have the intermittent cramping that I had with last cycle which is good but I swear every other second I'm concentrating to see if I feel any pains down there.  It's nerve-wracking and terrible that we who go through this awful journey, can't even celebrate fully when we get good news because we know how fleeting such news can be. Of course, I know the alternative, a negative beta, is much much worse, but I seriously really want this to be it.

I will be trying my hardest not to cry like a crazy person on Mother's Day.

I Made it to the Weekend

Phew! The weekend is finally upon us.  E and I are leaving to visit my sister, brother-in-law and the new baby for the weekend. I can't wait!

Originally we had tickets to go 2 weeks ago but with our IVF plans, I had to change the flights to this week. E and I debated back and forth about taking the trip during the 2 week wait.  On one hand, it would make the wait go by quicker if we snuck in a little 4-day vacation.  On the other, was going to visit my very new niece really the right move right now?  Would we be able to handle that?  We also talked about getting a hotel room so we'd have a place to "escape" to if things just got too much for me to handle, but in the end we decided against that.  I feel so completely different now that the little one is here, I don't think I'll need a place to escape to. And if I do, I can take a walk or a nap and my sis will understand. They know all about our fertility struggles and have been as understanding as one fertile couple can be.

I am also glad that we didn't delay the tip until after beta because, as I know from last time, so much can happen after just 1 beta test.  I think if I got a negative, I would be too sad to enjoy the trip really. And of course, if we got a positive, I'd be too scared something would go wrong.  Right now is the perfect time, blissfully ignorant of what's going on in my body and loving it.  Besides, when we get back from the trip, it will be a short 3 days till beta.  OMG, I'm so incredibly nervous.

I have resolved to wait to take a HPT until next Thursday.  I know there's risks involved with testing before beta, but I just don't think I can wait to hear that phone call. I'd rather have a little inkling of what's going on.  Besides, having tested 2 days before my beta last time - I was able to enjoy 3 wonderful days knowing something was going on in there before my dreams came crashing down on me.  Three days was better than the 1 I'd have had if I had waited until beta.

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on Tuesday.

Time is Slowing

Aaaack! Usually I make it to at least 5-6 days past transfer before I feel like time has slowed, but I'm only a mere 4 days past transfer. This is crazy.  Well, I've decided I'm just going to think positively about this cycle. In fact, so much so that I've allowed myself to start looking at nursery decorating ideas.  What?!?! Crazy, you say?!?! Yes, maybe a little bit, but I haven't let myself look at any beautiful baby things for years because it just brought sadness. And even though we don't have a baby just yet, I can really feel like we're getting close - whether it's through this IVF, or subsequent FETs or through adoption.  There is an end in sight. I can see it now whereas just months prior, our struggles truly seemed never ending.  I have hope again that there will be an end to this time in our lives and that end is just months, not years on the horizon. 

Yes, it's somewhat dangerous to be so optimistic, but it beats being so depressed all the time.  Besides, being pessimistic about a cycle's chances hasn't helped me previously so I thought I'd try out a new train of thought.  If this cycle is a bust, I'll be very sad no matter what - but hopeful that we're one step closer to our family building solution.

I Can Finally Exhale

Phew.... I can finally relax for a few days.  We had transfer on Sunday and everything went really well.

Of course, Sunday morning we were holding our breath until the doc called to tell us how many embryos we still had.  When he called, he said we had 2 top quality blasts, 2 more that were looking good for freezing and 4 more that were still growing but a little slow.  So we were excited about the news, but then had to discuss whether or not to transfer 1 or 2 embryos this time. 

We've had 2 failed IVF transfers previously - each transferring 1 embryo at a time so we've definitely gone the conservative route, but the most medically and statistically appropriate given my age and embryo quality.  E and I went back and forth on this before the doctor's call and were pretty much set on just transferring 1 embryo one last time.  If we had future transfers to consider, then we'd go with 2. 

After further discussion about the pregnancy rate and the benefit only being slightly higher when transferring 2 embryos AND the chance for twins at 40% we were pretty much set with our choice to transfer 1 of the grade 1 expanded blasts. 

When we got to the clinic, I had an acupuncture session scheduled for pre-transfer which was awesome. It really put me in a relaxed state. Then we had transfer and everything went perfectly, then I headed back down to acupuncture for a post-transfer session as well. I was definitely in a relaxed mind-set throughout the day.  I spent my bed rest watching Sex and the City and every other funny show I could find. I read somewhere laughter was good for implantation.  Whatever works!

We were supposed to get a phone call yesterday about any frozens we might have, but 4pm came and went, and no phone call. I hate that because my mind always jumps to conclusions.  I was able to email my nurse this morning though and she gave me the good news - we have 4 frozen embryos! I am so thrilled.  The most I was thinking we'd have to freeze is 3, but 4 is wonderful.  It makes me hopeful that this cycle will be successful. 

Beta day is 10 days away which will go slowly, but at least we have a trip planned to visit my sister in the midst of all this.  I am hoping it helps to make the time go by faster.

So my little embryo is snuggled inside and all I have to do now is keep it alive.  I am so nervous that my body is rejecting top quality embryos, but hoping that the steroids will help keep our little one safe.