The "S" Word

Yes, spotting.  I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom only to find a teeny twinge of pink on the TP.  FREAK OUT!  I wiped again, small amount of pink. I inserted my endometrin insert - again teeny bit of brownish pink on the applicator.  My heart sank.  I literally almost collapsed on the floor.  This was the beginning of the end the last time around.

I had another teeny spot of pink later that morning when I used the restroom at work about 9:30 am but so far nothing more thank God.  I have no cramping which is a good sign.  Last time my spotting and eventual bleeding was accompanied by mild cramps at first followed my more severe cramps.

I have to keep reminding myself that this cycle is NOT like last cycle. We have a heartbeat for goodness sake.  Much, much different than a falling first beta.  Needless to say I spent the entire day a nervous wreck. I couldn't eat much at all because my stomach was in knots.  E kept trying to reassure me, but it's tough when all you've come to expect is loss.

Tonight I feel fine, except for the nerves.  I feel totally symptom free which is annoying. Five more days till our next ultrasound.  This wait is so awful. I feel as if May was the longest month on the planet...and June just might be that way as well.  I have no way of knowing what's going on in there and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time - or even 1 hour at a time like I did today. 

Needs some prayers for an uneventful weekend.  

My Body Is Playing Tricks On Me

We had simply the best news on Friday - we both cried during the ultrasound when the doc zoomed in and showed us the heartbeat. Seriously, one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my entire life and a moment E and I won't soon forget. 

Though it only took me 48 hours to then start feeling anxious again, as if this has all gone wrong.  In my head, I know that the miscarriage rate drops to somewhere like 5% once a heartbeat is seen...so why oh why can't I concentrate on the 95% "everything is going to be just fine" rate?  What is wrong with me? 

I spent the long weekend going from feelings of severe anxiety to feelings of sheer happiness. E and I looked at baby names, I read some pregnancy books I had ordered last week but refused to look at until we saw the heartbeat and tried to stay positive. 

All was going pretty well until I woke up on Sunday morning to find my breasts were no longer sore - still swollen and spilling out of my bra, but no achy feeling.  Panic, immediate panic and Dr. Googling ensued for the day.  I read post after post about this being normal but still it didn't put my mind at ease because there were other posts about women who thought everything was going fine and then found out they had a missed miscarriage upon their next ultrasound.  Ahhhackkk! This was for sure happening to me, right - even though missed miscarriages are pretty rare?!?!? I was convinced for awhile and have been working to put this out of my mind.  I had originally made my next appointment for next Friday but decided I couldn't wait that long and moved things up to next Tuesday where I'll be exactly 8 weeks and if all goes well, graduate from the RE's office.

In preparation for good news, I've been forced to start researching OBs.  The RE who did my ultrasound last Friday asked who my OB was.  I don't particularly like the doc I see once a year for my routine stuff so I'll have to find someone else.  The RE then asked, "Where do you want to deliver?" HUH?! I've been infertile for coming up on 3 years. I haven't thought much past today, let alone the actual delivery! I laughed and said, "Gosh, no idea - I guess (insert the 2 hospitals closest to our house)."  I guess these are things people think about when they haven't spent the last 3 years trying to conceive and don't have severe anxiety that they're going to loose their baby.

Working on being in the moment - which is tough because except for swollen breasts and being extremely thirtsy, oh yeah - and the constipation - I feel totally fine.  Not that I'm begging for morning sickness, I'd prefer a more scientific (and less icky) confirmation that all is well in there but, alas, I have nothing to do but wait for Tuesday to come around.

The Most Beautiful Sight

We have a heartbeat folks! Our little one is measuring exactly on schedule at 6 weeks 3 days with a strong heartbeat of 115. I will post more over the weekend but for now, E and I are just trying to relax and enjoy the best moment we've shared together since our wedding day.

The Lightbulb

Last night while falling asleep on the couch about 9 pm, I came to the realization of why I just can't relax and trust that this will all work out in the end. Yes, it's still early a number of things could go wrong but truthfully, the odds are in our favor at this point but I just can't seem to accept it.  Miscarriage rate right now is somewhere in the 15-20% range I think - which means there's about an 80% chance that things will be just fine. Why oh why can't I hang on to that 80%. 

Well, it's because I have a severe distrust of my body in all things reproductive related. For the past 3 years, my body can continually let me down - month after month - treatment after treatment. It never seems to do what docs say it should do. I defied logic with my stage 4 endo diagnosis.  I have 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed NCIVFs, 1 failed stim IVF and 1 failed FET under my belt.  This is a lof of treatment for someone who's otherwise in perfect health and not even 31 yet. 

I just can't seem to trust that my body will do what it needs to in order to sustain the little life that's in there.  I'm so nervous that it will turn on me like it has done every time in the past.  I think that's why adoption is so attractive to me as well -- because it takes my body out of the equation entirely.  I don't have to rely on my uterus screwing things up like it usually does. 

As a close infertile friend would say, "Now is not the time to be talking bad about your uterus" so I'll quit now. Two more days to go and holding on for dear life.

6 Weeks and Terrified

Today I'm 6 weeks pregnant - I should be ecstatic, over-the-moon excited. Instead I'm a ball of fear and anxiety.  I seemed to make it through the weekend OK mainly because Friday seemed so far off, but now that it's creeping closer, my anxiety level is creeping up as well. 

I am so glad that Friday morning, as soon as Mr. Wandy goes in - we'll have our answer. No waiting on pins and needles all day for the phone call that will make or break us.  E is still so very optimistic. His outlook really helps me keep grounded, but I just wish I could be as optimistic as he is.  We still don't have a clinically confirmed pregnancy yet. You only get to say that when they've detected a heartbeat I think. 

I still feel pretty much normal except for the slightly sore breasts, insane thirst and major constipation - sorry TMI.  But it's crazy. My GI system was always a little wonky after I went off BCPs but now it's just stopped.  Like mutinied. I've taken to Metamucil once a day and plum juice which seems to help.  Prune juice is just too icky for me and I can't bring myself to drink it.

I have therapy on Thursday afternoon which I'm hoping will help. At the very least it will help make the day go by faster that's for sure. I say a Hail Mary every time I go to the restroom which my LPC said is totally normal. Good - Phew! I really thought I was a lunatic.  I'm so afraid of finding blood that I have to brace myself for every potty break.  One of the best things about therapy is someone else telling me that all these crazy things I think, feel and do on this infertility journey are completely normal. I have no idea of she's just trying to make me feel better or if many others do the same things but at least it feels good knowing she doesn't think I'm a psycho. 

Doing my best to hang on to my sanity and my embryo.    

Still Pregnant, As Far As I Know

That's the outlook I'm taking.  Still pregnant as far as I know or pregnant until proven otherwise - PUPO for short.  Usually us infertile save the PUPO status for that 2 week wait in between transfer and beta because you've got a little embryo inside you no matter what.  Well PUPO is still what I feel like today and it's helping me relax a bit because there's nothing I can do, or not do to help the situation. It is what it is, what will be, will be. 

I have spent most of the last few days working out every last relaxation technique I can think of because Friday is so far away. So much can happen from now until then.  But those are the thoughts I'm trying to avoid and just be in the moment.

Last night E and I had dinner with the only 2 people who know we're pregnant. They are friends of ours from our support group - who are currently pregnant after IVF.  I really only felt I could tell them because they truly understand how scared and happy we are at the same time. It was wonderful to go out to dinner with them last night and just laugh at all this.  Also, it made me feel more hopeful that this could actually work out for us. 

Tonight we have dinner plans with friends of mine from college and their one year old. I am close with my friend but nowhere near ready to spill the beans so early in this process so I'll be making up some story about drinking too many margaritas at dinner last night to throw them off.  We'll see if it works.  I don't think they'd even ask if I was pregnant because they know what we've been through and were one of our references on our adoption home study. 

Still super thirsty, boobs a little full and sore but not much and still have the coming and going cramping, But I swear, that might all be in my head because as today was such a gorgeous day, I've spent most of it outside on a walk and reading on the deck and haven't noticed a single cramp.  Feeling absolutely normal makes me feel better. 

I still hold my breath every time I use the restroom. A ritual that my therapist said was totally normal and many women in my position have also succumbed to.  She said it's OK to be happy, but I'm not naive. Which is true - I guess I just want to be really and truly happy and believe this will end up the way we've dreamed for so long.  Hard to think about that right now but it's in the back of my head.

Six days till US seems like an eternity.  

Third Beta Is In

So after an excruciating wait to get today's results - we have a beta of 1878 so we're right on track. I almost made myself sick today though which was not good. Work really stressed me out this morning and then I was convinced I was cramping - but I think I actually brought all this on myself.  I really need to work on some relaxation methods or I'm never going to make it.  I am hoping therapy tomorrow will really help because I am going to have to figure out how to deal with the next 1.5 weeks before our first ultrasound which is a strange sentence to type for sure.

E thinks I need to take a break from all the blogs, forums etc. because I'm making myself so nervous about miscarriage it can't be good for my body.  So I've resolved to spend less time on the blogs and the forums for a little while in hopes that it will help me relax.

I am so sad that I just can't be happy about all this wonderful news. That thought in itself makes me so depressed.  Anyway, hoping tomorrow's session will help a little. I will post intermittently, but I'm going to do my best to stay away from Dr. Google if I can at all help it.  I am going to need will power of steel and lots of prayers to make it another 9 days until I get anymore information on our situation.