I have so many things I need to post about - we made the announcement to family and close friends over the weekend and we bought a Doppler and heard the heartbeat at home yesterday BUT what I'm most happy about is that WE HAVE POWER!
After 3 full days in the dark and heat - power was finally restored to our house early this morning. E and I feel like we've won the lottery. This weekend was filled with chopping up downed trees, making ice runs, all-meat BBQs and sweltering temps. I'll post more on the baby-making side later, but for now - we're over the moon in love with our AC.
12 weeks today!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I Did It!
I was nervous, but I did it! I told my friends at dinner last night that we're expecting and it was so much fun. The 2 of them jumped up and hugged me so tightly at the same time I felt like I was in a love sandwich. I can't tell you how amazing it was to share the news with friends who were so close to us, knew our struggles and had been rooting for us for the last 3 years. I feel like they may even take a piece of victory away for themselves and I truly think they deserve it.
While it's near impossible to endure infertility, it also takes a lot to stand-by infertile couples. We don't always act rationally, we cancel on you last minute, we miss outings/events and we might not be there for you during your own pregnancy. But we thank you for standing by us every step of the way to let us cry and share our joy. I truly believe this victory will be shared and SHOULD be shared by the many friends and family who have held our hands along the way. We couldn't have done this without them.
I am still scared that this will not work out of course, but knowing that if it doesn't - I have a whole team waiting to help pick us up - makes me feel a little better.
Last night a close friend of E's called to catch up while I was at dinner so E got to share the news to someone as well. Tomorrow, we'll tell my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew who are here visiting for just a few days. Sunday, we'll tell my parents and my sister - then my cousins and Aunt and Uncle who are coming for dinner. This is definitely the fun part - it is helping me believe in the reality of what's happening. It gets a little bit better each day, but I still have a long way to go.
While it's near impossible to endure infertility, it also takes a lot to stand-by infertile couples. We don't always act rationally, we cancel on you last minute, we miss outings/events and we might not be there for you during your own pregnancy. But we thank you for standing by us every step of the way to let us cry and share our joy. I truly believe this victory will be shared and SHOULD be shared by the many friends and family who have held our hands along the way. We couldn't have done this without them.
I am still scared that this will not work out of course, but knowing that if it doesn't - I have a whole team waiting to help pick us up - makes me feel a little better.
Last night a close friend of E's called to catch up while I was at dinner so E got to share the news to someone as well. Tomorrow, we'll tell my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew who are here visiting for just a few days. Sunday, we'll tell my parents and my sister - then my cousins and Aunt and Uncle who are coming for dinner. This is definitely the fun part - it is helping me believe in the reality of what's happening. It gets a little bit better each day, but I still have a long way to go.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Today's the Day
And I'm terrified. Today's the day I had said I would tell my 2 college friends over dinner our big news. But I find myself going through a list of white lies about why I'm not drinking instead of wondering how I can reveal this news. What is wrong with me?
I think part of it is because E and I got in a huge fight last night and this morning again about couples therapy. I am not averse to going, it's just that they way E talks about the reasons I won't like this therapist make me not want to go even more. I'm not sure why he would tell me I wouldn't like her if he genuinely wanted me to go with him. It doesn't make very much sense. I know he's afraid I won't like what she'll have to say and frankly, the way E has relayed this information to me (not so diplomatically by the way) I don't feel like I'd like to spend 30 seconds with this woman, let alone 50 mins. But I'm tired of fighting about the same things over and over again and I want to move past these issues. That is something I can commit to.
I have control issues which I know I need to work on, but when your entire life seems to be out of control, I feel myself trying to control things maybe I shouldn't. I think there are issues E had before we met that he needs to work on and that I shouldn't be blamed for all of this which is likely my biggest concern. I also feel as if he's painted a picture of a monster to this woman...Also, we have some trust issues that need to be worked through.
There's another part of me that feels like I've been through SO much with infertility procedures that I should get a free pass. I know in my head that's not how it works, but physically, I'm drained - I'm pregnant and drained....I'm emotionally drained...
And now I'm supposed to go to dinner with friends and tell them this wonderful news and I'm so terribly sad. Monday's appointment was fine - I heard the little heartbeat on the doppler -- so I know there's a baby in there. But I've been having cramping and strange feelings in that area since last night which make me feel like something could be wrong. I wish I could take a magic pill that would make all of these feelings just disappear.
I think part of it is because E and I got in a huge fight last night and this morning again about couples therapy. I am not averse to going, it's just that they way E talks about the reasons I won't like this therapist make me not want to go even more. I'm not sure why he would tell me I wouldn't like her if he genuinely wanted me to go with him. It doesn't make very much sense. I know he's afraid I won't like what she'll have to say and frankly, the way E has relayed this information to me (not so diplomatically by the way) I don't feel like I'd like to spend 30 seconds with this woman, let alone 50 mins. But I'm tired of fighting about the same things over and over again and I want to move past these issues. That is something I can commit to.
I have control issues which I know I need to work on, but when your entire life seems to be out of control, I feel myself trying to control things maybe I shouldn't. I think there are issues E had before we met that he needs to work on and that I shouldn't be blamed for all of this which is likely my biggest concern. I also feel as if he's painted a picture of a monster to this woman...Also, we have some trust issues that need to be worked through.
There's another part of me that feels like I've been through SO much with infertility procedures that I should get a free pass. I know in my head that's not how it works, but physically, I'm drained - I'm pregnant and drained....I'm emotionally drained...
And now I'm supposed to go to dinner with friends and tell them this wonderful news and I'm so terribly sad. Monday's appointment was fine - I heard the little heartbeat on the doppler -- so I know there's a baby in there. But I've been having cramping and strange feelings in that area since last night which make me feel like something could be wrong. I wish I could take a magic pill that would make all of these feelings just disappear.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Announcement Freak Outs and Other Icky Stuff
I am incredibly nervous something is going to go wrong after we make our announcement. The thought of telling my friends on Wednesday has turned from exciting to terrifying. I am so scared that I will jinx this pregnancy by saying things out loud. Also, I'm terrified that I won't have just had a US prior to the announcement...my next appointment isn't scheduled until July 6th which seems like an eternity to me.
And then I was having a sad day on Sunday because I'm upset with myself that I can't just be happy and trust in this. I don't want to be terrified any longer. I want to be happy and excited but it's just not coming so naturally. I guess I continue to have good days and bad days and we'll have to make this announcement soon because I'm hibernating from friends and neighbors who invite us for drinks or want us to come jump on their brand new trampoline. Seriously!?!?!
I secretly hoped for an excuse to go into the doctor this week. To have one more peek before we do the big reveal. Well, I got my wish - yay - I am pretty sure I have a yeast infection. So uncomfortable but at least I have an appointment today for an exam and they can tell me what to use. I'm afraid to use much without the doctor telling me what's OK and what's not.
So I'll go in today and hopefully, they'll let me see the baby too if I ask. My new doc said I could come in to see the heartbeat whenever I wanted so I guess I could have called this week anyway, but at least now I have a legitimate and likely non-threatening excuse to come in.
Friday, June 22, 2012
The Risks We Take
What do we do when those small percentage risks associated with ART actually land in our laps? We aren't prepared for them although every waiver we've signed, nurse we've met with or doctor that's treated us has reminded us of the risks associated with ART.
Here's what we do - we look them dead in the eye and sign right there on the dotted line without another thought in our minds because OUR desire to have a child is more important than any of the risks the doctors have just explained - multiples, miscarriage, abnormalities, risks to our lives or other fetuses lives. I've done it - you've done it.
I found myself sick to my stomach after reading a post about reducing multiples being a "no-brainer" decision. How can this be? I would have hoped no matter how many babies were in there, that this was the hardest decision one might ever have to make. I simply don't get that sense at all from the author and that's the part I really can't grasp.
E and I decided against transferring even 2 embryos because we were not comfortable with even the risks associated with twins although it effectively lowered our success rate.
Now I realize there are a 100 medical decisions that have to be considered with multiple reduction and appreciate the honesty of the blogger - but this is my blog - a place where I can express how I feel and I hope others will respect that as well. I only hope that I will never have to go through what she's going through, but I know if I did, it would absolutely be the most excruciating decision I would ever make in my entire life. And something that I likely might never fully be at peace with.
Here's what we do - we look them dead in the eye and sign right there on the dotted line without another thought in our minds because OUR desire to have a child is more important than any of the risks the doctors have just explained - multiples, miscarriage, abnormalities, risks to our lives or other fetuses lives. I've done it - you've done it.
I found myself sick to my stomach after reading a post about reducing multiples being a "no-brainer" decision. How can this be? I would have hoped no matter how many babies were in there, that this was the hardest decision one might ever have to make. I simply don't get that sense at all from the author and that's the part I really can't grasp.
E and I decided against transferring even 2 embryos because we were not comfortable with even the risks associated with twins although it effectively lowered our success rate.
Now I realize there are a 100 medical decisions that have to be considered with multiple reduction and appreciate the honesty of the blogger - but this is my blog - a place where I can express how I feel and I hope others will respect that as well. I only hope that I will never have to go through what she's going through, but I know if I did, it would absolutely be the most excruciating decision I would ever make in my entire life. And something that I likely might never fully be at peace with.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
My New Docs
Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB. This is a brand new doctor to me because I refuse to go back to the practice I was just getting my routine paps done at for the last 8 years. It was a huge practice (15-20 docs) and I thought the few OBs that I had seen were condescending to my IVF journey. No more going to doctors that I don't like. So, while I researched the heck out of new OBs, I ended up going with a practice with 2 doctors recommended to me by my RE and a close friend now pregnant with twins after IVF.
E and I arrived 15 mins before our scheduled appointment as instructed and ended up waiting 45 mins to see the doctor. Now, this practice has routinely been applauded for running on time so first impressions were not looking so good. Forty-five minutes in an OB waiting room to a infertile person was surreal. There were visibly pregnant women, babies and kids EVERYWHERE. It felt very strange - like the twilight zone or something. I was so glad E was there with me.
We read through all the NT Scan and cystic fibrosis materials they handed us after checking in - which took all of 10 mins. Then, just the wait. Wait to see the baby - wait to ask the doc questions - wait, wait, wait. I was nervous something had gone wrong over the weekend because I was having these intermittent cramps so that made the wait even more difficult.
Then, they finally called us. I had to give a urine sample and step on the scale. Honestly, I was pretty nervous for the weigh-in. I know that I can only gain about 25 pounds and I've already used about about 3 of those - I'm just nervous of really letting my weight get out of control so I'm trying to be very vigilant on what I eat and what the scale says. Anyway, I hopped off the scale and was let into the US room. A few mins later, a knock on the door and this thin, older man burst in and yells, "You're pregnant!" I have to say that it took me by surprise - not so much the whole action itself but the words - someone congratulating me on pregnancy. I am simply not used to that yet.
Dr. E then took a look at the paperwork from my RE's office and asked how many attempts this took us. I took a deep breath and explained the gory story - short version of course. Dr. E looked genuinely concerned and patted my leg telling me that we'd worked so hard to get here and we deserve the utmost of congratulations. He actually used the words, "We've climbed mountains to get here." I thought I might cry. He said we could come in at any time to see the heartbeat if we wanted and that he completely understood our anxiety. He was also thrilled to hear that we had 4 frozen embryos too. I told him we hoped to keep him busy for a few years.
We did the US and baby was measuring right on schedule with a heart rate about 140. It seemed a little low to me but the doc said that's totally normal as it will go down after 9 weeks and can vary depending on my mood too. So I guess I was more relaxed than I thought. We got to hear the heartbeat as well which was absolutely incredible. Gosh, I do love modern science.
He did some cultures and I got to skip the blood work! Woo hoo -- since I had a physical back in February for the home study, I had done all the necessary blood work and didn't need to get poked again. I was so excited about this. We told him about being excited to tell our families and he said that after the NT scan I should be good to go. This scan and blood work will measure our risk for Downs Syndrome. My appointment isn't until July 6th.
Honestly, we still plan to tell family next Sunday ahead of the scan because no matter what, this kid is coming home with us. Also, I'm at the point where I am really needing support here and if something goes wrong, I want friends and family around to help me.
Each day I get a little stronger in my resolve to think happy thoughts. It's tough, and sometimes I "relapse" but this may be the only time in my life that I'm actually pregnant and I'm trying to enjoy whatever little moments I can.
E and I arrived 15 mins before our scheduled appointment as instructed and ended up waiting 45 mins to see the doctor. Now, this practice has routinely been applauded for running on time so first impressions were not looking so good. Forty-five minutes in an OB waiting room to a infertile person was surreal. There were visibly pregnant women, babies and kids EVERYWHERE. It felt very strange - like the twilight zone or something. I was so glad E was there with me.
We read through all the NT Scan and cystic fibrosis materials they handed us after checking in - which took all of 10 mins. Then, just the wait. Wait to see the baby - wait to ask the doc questions - wait, wait, wait. I was nervous something had gone wrong over the weekend because I was having these intermittent cramps so that made the wait even more difficult.
Then, they finally called us. I had to give a urine sample and step on the scale. Honestly, I was pretty nervous for the weigh-in. I know that I can only gain about 25 pounds and I've already used about about 3 of those - I'm just nervous of really letting my weight get out of control so I'm trying to be very vigilant on what I eat and what the scale says. Anyway, I hopped off the scale and was let into the US room. A few mins later, a knock on the door and this thin, older man burst in and yells, "You're pregnant!" I have to say that it took me by surprise - not so much the whole action itself but the words - someone congratulating me on pregnancy. I am simply not used to that yet.
Dr. E then took a look at the paperwork from my RE's office and asked how many attempts this took us. I took a deep breath and explained the gory story - short version of course. Dr. E looked genuinely concerned and patted my leg telling me that we'd worked so hard to get here and we deserve the utmost of congratulations. He actually used the words, "We've climbed mountains to get here." I thought I might cry. He said we could come in at any time to see the heartbeat if we wanted and that he completely understood our anxiety. He was also thrilled to hear that we had 4 frozen embryos too. I told him we hoped to keep him busy for a few years.
We did the US and baby was measuring right on schedule with a heart rate about 140. It seemed a little low to me but the doc said that's totally normal as it will go down after 9 weeks and can vary depending on my mood too. So I guess I was more relaxed than I thought. We got to hear the heartbeat as well which was absolutely incredible. Gosh, I do love modern science.
He did some cultures and I got to skip the blood work! Woo hoo -- since I had a physical back in February for the home study, I had done all the necessary blood work and didn't need to get poked again. I was so excited about this. We told him about being excited to tell our families and he said that after the NT scan I should be good to go. This scan and blood work will measure our risk for Downs Syndrome. My appointment isn't until July 6th.
Honestly, we still plan to tell family next Sunday ahead of the scan because no matter what, this kid is coming home with us. Also, I'm at the point where I am really needing support here and if something goes wrong, I want friends and family around to help me.
Each day I get a little stronger in my resolve to think happy thoughts. It's tough, and sometimes I "relapse" but this may be the only time in my life that I'm actually pregnant and I'm trying to enjoy whatever little moments I can.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Last Day for Meds!
I am 10 weeks today and it's my last official day of Estrace and Endometrin. I am thrilled to finally be crossing this milestone. I have to take the milestones where I can, right?
I am of course nervous like most infertiles, that stopping these medications will automatically mean that I'll lose the baby. I still can't trust yet that my body is capable of sustaining life. It's a tough one to grasp. I am comforted by the fact that we have our first OB appointment tomorrow and I can go over all the rest of the meds I'm still taking with him - Metformin, baby aspirin, Folgard and prenatals of course. Tomorrow is scary and exciting all at the same time.
We still haven't told any family or friends outside of our support group about our news. If all goes well tomorrow, then I'll be able to tell 2 of my girlfriends from college who I'm having dinner with next week. It will be absolutely impossible to make up a good excuse as to why I'm not drinking with them (as I've already seen the 1 friend and had to use another excuse). So E and I have discussed and I will be able to share the news with them as long as I swear them to secrecy. No emails to anyone else, no facebook congrats etc. I am sure I can trust them.
I just can't trust my mom not to tell EVERYONE which is why we've waited to tell my parents. They proved they couldn't handle keeping the news to themselves at our Ireland vacation last year when my sister told us she was 8 weeks along. My parents told everyone at the rehearsal dinner despite my sister's instructions to keep it to immediate family only!
We plan to tell our families next Sunday when I'll be 11.5 weeks along. It will be my mom's birthday and E has come up with this really cute way of telling my mom. I hope I'm not jinxing things by saying how excited I am to tell people but - I truly am. Also, part of me wants to tell because if anything goes wrong, I will need their support.
I am of course nervous like most infertiles, that stopping these medications will automatically mean that I'll lose the baby. I still can't trust yet that my body is capable of sustaining life. It's a tough one to grasp. I am comforted by the fact that we have our first OB appointment tomorrow and I can go over all the rest of the meds I'm still taking with him - Metformin, baby aspirin, Folgard and prenatals of course. Tomorrow is scary and exciting all at the same time.
We still haven't told any family or friends outside of our support group about our news. If all goes well tomorrow, then I'll be able to tell 2 of my girlfriends from college who I'm having dinner with next week. It will be absolutely impossible to make up a good excuse as to why I'm not drinking with them (as I've already seen the 1 friend and had to use another excuse). So E and I have discussed and I will be able to share the news with them as long as I swear them to secrecy. No emails to anyone else, no facebook congrats etc. I am sure I can trust them.
I just can't trust my mom not to tell EVERYONE which is why we've waited to tell my parents. They proved they couldn't handle keeping the news to themselves at our Ireland vacation last year when my sister told us she was 8 weeks along. My parents told everyone at the rehearsal dinner despite my sister's instructions to keep it to immediate family only!
We plan to tell our families next Sunday when I'll be 11.5 weeks along. It will be my mom's birthday and E has come up with this really cute way of telling my mom. I hope I'm not jinxing things by saying how excited I am to tell people but - I truly am. Also, part of me wants to tell because if anything goes wrong, I will need their support.
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