I suppose I shouldn't be surprised anymore when I see that stark white HPT starring me right in the face. I sat there willing that blue line to show up with all my might. I squinted, I flipped it...I even fished it out of the trash twice to check if anything had shown up. Nada, zilch...back to square one.
I will test again tomorrow just to be sure but there's no hope. Testing at 9 days past transfer there ought to be at least something. The worst part is that I have to go out an buy another test. I used the last one last night. A friend and I were discussing how buying pregnancy tests actually makes us angry. It does! Because I have to buy it knowing it's negative. I think infertiles should get a pity discount.
So beta will come on Monday and I have more questions for the doc, but the main one that I can't get out of my head - "What if FETs just don't work on me?" We have 2 frozens left but are we wasting our time and should we just move to fresh? OH lord that sounds daunting - the thought of stims and egg retrieval again, but I think E and I are both up for one more fresh before we throw in the towel. We'll see what RE says about the other 2 frozens. They are blasts too so ....
Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Recap of FET #2
Sorry this is so late in posting, sickness and birthday parties and out of town guests kind of suck up all your time.
Anyway, FET was scheduled for 1/28 so we arrived in plenty of time - even did acupuncture ahead of the appointment so we were all ready to go. We are back in the exam room and everything is going smoothly. They thawed one embryo and we still have 2 more in the freezer. Phew! I was so worried that they'd have to thaw more than one at a time. Our embryo looked great and it was already starting to hatch.
So transfer goes well, they embryologist heads back into the lab to check to make sure the embryo made it out of the catheter. Waiting...waiting...waiting. My RE says the embryo may be stuck and we'll just try again, not to worry. More waiting.... After what seemed like an eternity, RE removed the speculum (THANK YOU) and goes back into the lab to see what's going on. More waiting ensues. I think he was back there for about 15 more minutes. OMG, we have no idea what's going on.
RE comes back and explains. There are some cells at the end of the catheter. Hmmmm. What?!? It's not my embryo as it looks nothing like my embryo - different shape cells, different characteristics, different quantity. The cell group is larger than my embryo...so it's not part of my embryo that got left behind. Uhhh, E and I are so confused. RE says that some cells could have gotten on the catheter from my uterus but he is 100% confident that we transferred the embryo we were supposed to. It won't do any good to put those cells back in me especially because we're certain it's not the embryo and we don't know what they are. So there was nothing left to do. We went home - defeated.
We called RE the next day and he explained everything again, but reiterated that he thought 100% we had a successful transfer and that our success rates were not compromised by the unidentified cells on the catheter. I'm freaked out though - and keep thinking there's no way in hell we're going to get a positive out of all of this.
I'm exhausted, my rear end hurts and I just want to get the bad news over with so I can drink some wine and go for a long run to clear my head. Maybe not in that order thought. Not to mention get another FET going. I feel like there's absolutely no hope and I'm exhausted. We plan to test tomorrow night at home which will be 10 days past our 5 day transfer so we'll be able to trust the HPT. Beta is scheduled for Monday.
Although, even when everything goes perfectly well with a "perfect" blast, we still end up with BFNs so OK, there's a teeny glimmer of hope still left.
Anyway, FET was scheduled for 1/28 so we arrived in plenty of time - even did acupuncture ahead of the appointment so we were all ready to go. We are back in the exam room and everything is going smoothly. They thawed one embryo and we still have 2 more in the freezer. Phew! I was so worried that they'd have to thaw more than one at a time. Our embryo looked great and it was already starting to hatch.
So transfer goes well, they embryologist heads back into the lab to check to make sure the embryo made it out of the catheter. Waiting...waiting...waiting. My RE says the embryo may be stuck and we'll just try again, not to worry. More waiting.... After what seemed like an eternity, RE removed the speculum (THANK YOU) and goes back into the lab to see what's going on. More waiting ensues. I think he was back there for about 15 more minutes. OMG, we have no idea what's going on.
RE comes back and explains. There are some cells at the end of the catheter. Hmmmm. What?!? It's not my embryo as it looks nothing like my embryo - different shape cells, different characteristics, different quantity. The cell group is larger than my embryo...so it's not part of my embryo that got left behind. Uhhh, E and I are so confused. RE says that some cells could have gotten on the catheter from my uterus but he is 100% confident that we transferred the embryo we were supposed to. It won't do any good to put those cells back in me especially because we're certain it's not the embryo and we don't know what they are. So there was nothing left to do. We went home - defeated.
We called RE the next day and he explained everything again, but reiterated that he thought 100% we had a successful transfer and that our success rates were not compromised by the unidentified cells on the catheter. I'm freaked out though - and keep thinking there's no way in hell we're going to get a positive out of all of this.
I'm exhausted, my rear end hurts and I just want to get the bad news over with so I can drink some wine and go for a long run to clear my head. Maybe not in that order thought. Not to mention get another FET going. I feel like there's absolutely no hope and I'm exhausted. We plan to test tomorrow night at home which will be 10 days past our 5 day transfer so we'll be able to trust the HPT. Beta is scheduled for Monday.
Although, even when everything goes perfectly well with a "perfect" blast, we still end up with BFNs so OK, there's a teeny glimmer of hope still left.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
FET #2 Done
I have been pretty sick these last few weeks (going on 4 at this point) and just wanted to give you a quick update. We did the FET last week, it was definitely eventful but I'll post about that later. I have beta scheduled for Monday but I'm really not hopeful at all. I don't know how an embryo could survive this sickness I have.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Happy Anniversary of Becoming a Mother
Someone said this to me and I almost died! I loved it so much. It's true - one year ago today, I FINALLY became a mother. Something I had longed for through countless days, weeks, months and years. (OK let's be honest, I know exactly how long it took, but you get the point.)
Today, I will celebrate my oh-so-busy, almost walking, teething, adventurous, snuggly, gooey little boy that has brought so much joy to our lives. But today, I will also celebrate becoming a mother - and I will congratulate E on becoming a father. Today is a milestone day for all of us and we are so grateful each and every day for our blessing.
I had a talk the other day with that little blessing of ours about his first birthday wish. I may have suggested he wish for something - or someone - in particular. I allowed him some leeway on whether or not he wished for a baby sister or a baby brother, but if he could wish for one of those, mommy and daddy would be very appreciative.
In between snowdays, party planning, houseguests etc. - FET is a go for the 28th. Lining check and hormone were on track and I started PIO shots last night!
Today, I will celebrate my oh-so-busy, almost walking, teething, adventurous, snuggly, gooey little boy that has brought so much joy to our lives. But today, I will also celebrate becoming a mother - and I will congratulate E on becoming a father. Today is a milestone day for all of us and we are so grateful each and every day for our blessing.
I had a talk the other day with that little blessing of ours about his first birthday wish. I may have suggested he wish for something - or someone - in particular. I allowed him some leeway on whether or not he wished for a baby sister or a baby brother, but if he could wish for one of those, mommy and daddy would be very appreciative.
In between snowdays, party planning, houseguests etc. - FET is a go for the 28th. Lining check and hormone were on track and I started PIO shots last night!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Party Planning is in Full Swing
The first birthday is upon us - wow! Amazing that we all made it this far.
A year ago today was actually our due date, but the little guy decided not to come for an excruciating 9 days later. I was on pins and needles waiting for him to come. As I teleworked from home, my Mom was already in town just staring at me all day long it seemed. All the neighbors were on high alert and I couldn't leave my house to get the paper without someone popping out to ask if I was headed to the hospital. Alas, we were meant to wait just awhile longer.
And now we're planning a party that I thought would never ever come. Still, after a year of being a mom, I am in shock some days that we're where we are. So many years of hopelessness and tears and now I have my wonderful little boy. It feels strange that this "shocked" feeling still comes over me though I suppose I've been infertile longer than I've been a mom so I've got a few more years to right myself.
Most days we're slugging through the laundry, the bottle making, the vomit, coughs, and pediatrician appointments - but then again - most days we're also soaking in laughter, snuggles, learning and growing.
2 shots down, 3 to go until lining check next Thursday.
A year ago today was actually our due date, but the little guy decided not to come for an excruciating 9 days later. I was on pins and needles waiting for him to come. As I teleworked from home, my Mom was already in town just staring at me all day long it seemed. All the neighbors were on high alert and I couldn't leave my house to get the paper without someone popping out to ask if I was headed to the hospital. Alas, we were meant to wait just awhile longer.
And now we're planning a party that I thought would never ever come. Still, after a year of being a mom, I am in shock some days that we're where we are. So many years of hopelessness and tears and now I have my wonderful little boy. It feels strange that this "shocked" feeling still comes over me though I suppose I've been infertile longer than I've been a mom so I've got a few more years to right myself.
Most days we're slugging through the laundry, the bottle making, the vomit, coughs, and pediatrician appointments - but then again - most days we're also soaking in laughter, snuggles, learning and growing.
2 shots down, 3 to go until lining check next Thursday.
Friday, January 10, 2014
And so it begins....again
Wow - wish I could come up with a better title to this post but I've got nothing.
Feels like deja vu here though as I begin yet another cycle. I'm deathly afraid we'll go through all these FETs and have no baby to show for it. We'll have a whole bunch of bills to show for it though and paying the cycle fee yesterday put a damper on the excitement. We switched insurance but it doesn't take effect until next week, so I had to pay the cycle fee in its entirety and then wait for insurance to get verified and then we'll receive the refund for part of the cost. I'm guessing all of this will take 2 months. I would be silly to expect it any faster.
So here we are - hanging on a thread of hope that this FET will work. I'm not as optimistic as I was last time but I'm trying not to be pessimistic either. It's tough, it always is and my hormones are all over the place which makes me want to burst into tears any second now. I get 2 days of reprieve till my next IM shot and then I go in for my lining check in about 2 weeks. So not looking forward to the PIO shots again because no matter what, after about day 4, everything hurts.
Feels like deja vu here though as I begin yet another cycle. I'm deathly afraid we'll go through all these FETs and have no baby to show for it. We'll have a whole bunch of bills to show for it though and paying the cycle fee yesterday put a damper on the excitement. We switched insurance but it doesn't take effect until next week, so I had to pay the cycle fee in its entirety and then wait for insurance to get verified and then we'll receive the refund for part of the cost. I'm guessing all of this will take 2 months. I would be silly to expect it any faster.
So here we are - hanging on a thread of hope that this FET will work. I'm not as optimistic as I was last time but I'm trying not to be pessimistic either. It's tough, it always is and my hormones are all over the place which makes me want to burst into tears any second now. I get 2 days of reprieve till my next IM shot and then I go in for my lining check in about 2 weeks. So not looking forward to the PIO shots again because no matter what, after about day 4, everything hurts.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Last BCP Today
So I made it through my packet of BCPs which seems like a little milestone to celebrate on this journey through our second FET! Moving right along...baseline testing Thursday and then if all goes well, I'll start del estrogen that evening. We are adding in the steroids this time around so we're hoping that does the trick. Of course there are so many other variables, but one can only hope.
Christmas was great! We made the trek across country via plane with our little guy - who's not so little any more. We purchased him his own seat on the plane though which was a lifesaver because it would have definitely been a tight squeeze and very uncomfortable. All in all we had a wonderful time visiting with family and friends. It was so touching to finally be celebrating this holiday as a family of three.
Of course there were some trying days - the time zone change really messed up our little guy's sleeping schedule so that made things interesting. We're still dealing with the remnants of the reverse commute 5 days later on this end too. And being all together at my parents house, with my sister and brother in law and their almost 2 year old - was tons of fun, but also very hectic. The kiddos have opposite nap schedules and the house was in constant disarray. Now, it wasn't my house of course and my mom is so relaxed about that stuff, but the constant clutter definitely added to my stress level. We were all glad to be home, sleeping in our respective bedrooms. Boy, I don't know how folks do it with having the baby in their room full time. It was too much stress for me.
Anyway, we're on the brink of the 1 year birthday and planning is in full swing. It will be mostly family but I'm having a great time planning the decorations and the food.
Transfer is scheduled for 3 days after the shin-dig so I'll be able to partake in some champagne and toast our little man as he looks toward another year of growing, laughing and learning. Oh and I think we're on the brink of walking - a few more weeks and we could have our first step. So exciting!
Christmas was great! We made the trek across country via plane with our little guy - who's not so little any more. We purchased him his own seat on the plane though which was a lifesaver because it would have definitely been a tight squeeze and very uncomfortable. All in all we had a wonderful time visiting with family and friends. It was so touching to finally be celebrating this holiday as a family of three.
Of course there were some trying days - the time zone change really messed up our little guy's sleeping schedule so that made things interesting. We're still dealing with the remnants of the reverse commute 5 days later on this end too. And being all together at my parents house, with my sister and brother in law and their almost 2 year old - was tons of fun, but also very hectic. The kiddos have opposite nap schedules and the house was in constant disarray. Now, it wasn't my house of course and my mom is so relaxed about that stuff, but the constant clutter definitely added to my stress level. We were all glad to be home, sleeping in our respective bedrooms. Boy, I don't know how folks do it with having the baby in their room full time. It was too much stress for me.
Anyway, we're on the brink of the 1 year birthday and planning is in full swing. It will be mostly family but I'm having a great time planning the decorations and the food.
Transfer is scheduled for 3 days after the shin-dig so I'll be able to partake in some champagne and toast our little man as he looks toward another year of growing, laughing and learning. Oh and I think we're on the brink of walking - a few more weeks and we could have our first step. So exciting!
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