Numb

I tested this morning - negative. Again, not even a hint of a line. I sat there expecting to feel worse, but I knew there was no way this was going to work. I'm sure it will hit me later today that this is all over - 4 eSETs in 8 months. Yikes, that's a lot but nothing to show for it at all.

I realized last night I wouldn't have enough POI to get me through the weekend at the beach if I needed it. I would have needed to order more today so it could get here tomorrow ...so that was my rationale for testing. Yes, I guess there's still a "chance" I'm pregnant, but that's like one in a million. I'm tired of shots. I need to be done and this weekend, the only shots I'll be taking are going to be tequila shots. 

8dp5dt

Could this week pass any slower?  I am trying to stay strong and wait until Friday morning to test again but I can feel my resolve weakening already.  At 8 days past, surely the result would be accurate.  Eager to move on to something that's going to work- I just feel like I've been stuck on a merry-go-round for the last 8 months and I'm dizzy.

I'm Weak and a Bit Crazy

I tested yesterday afternoon at 5dp5dt. Yeah, I know it was a bone-head thing to do. I was just desperate for some good news - but found none as the stark white FRER starred back at me like usual.

I guess I was expecting a miracle because testing so early and after having about 10 glasses of water throughout the day and not holing my pee in, I think it would have truly taken an act of God to turn up a positive in that situation. I don't think HCG even starts getting released into your bloodstream until about 6 days past and then it's got to get to your urine too. Plus, I've got a week to go before beta AND have 4 more days of shots on the books till I can feel confident about testing. Taking shots after negative tests sucks.  I literally, lost it in a moment of weekness but I couldn't stop myself. I just want the uncertainty to be over.

Living through this type of stress the second time is torture. It not only hurts this time around, but also brings back all the old emotions too and makes me feel helpless. If this doesn't work, we'll be looking at another fresh which simply makes me cringe.

I'll hold off testing again until Thursday but really, I don't expect any of it to work out. That would simply be too easy and nothing has been easy about this process at all.

BTW in Other News - Everyone Else is Pregnant

Why oh why do these things come in waves like this? I mean, I could go 4 months without a pregnancy announcement and then I get 4 announcements in one week. BLECK!

My cousin who lives nearby is expecting - ok so we knew that one.
My sister is expecting her second - that one I wasn't really expecting but should have been, but it was gut wrenching especially since I was trapped in my own house with her for their 10-day visit after the announcement. JOY!
Good friend from high school is expecting.
Another friend I grew up with who struggled to have his first child...is now expecting twins - yay clomid! 

Who else? I know there's more. Oh the little girl in C's class that's just a few months older than C - Hmm I passed her mom on the way out of daycare yesterday. Yup, expecting #2.

I'm debating on when to take a HPT. I'll try to wait till next Friday but that's they day we're leaving for the beach for the weekend to attend a wedding. We are taking my cousin with us so if it's negative, I'll be pissed being stuck in the car with her the whole way up. Maybe I should wait till Friday afternoon. Who knows - I'll likely breakdown and test Thursday night to get it over with.

Quick update

So sorry if I've left anyone hanging, though not sure there's anyone really waiting on baited breath.  Hail Mary FET was a "go" on Tuesday. All went accordingly and now I just wait for the end. I have no hope here really. I've already got a consult on the books with my RE to talk about next steps.

I did have my TSH retested as well as the full thyroid panel - everything was fine. TSH was back down to 2.45 so I felt much better about that.

I'll keep you posted, but in the mean time, just trying to be thankful for the little guy I've got at home who is just getting cuter and cuter by the day.

Grasping at Straws

For the past month I've been trying to find things wrong with me, so we could fix them and then this FET would be sure to work. Could it be my uterus? Open up - let's check. Nope, no smoking gun in there.

Now I've turned to my thyroid levels which the last RE we saw for a second opinion mentioned I should check. So I started researching further...kind of a back to basics thing. Here's what I know so far.

Thyroid levels are measured by TSH and T4. If TSH is high and T4 is low then you're diagnosed as hypothyroid which I've never been. Normal values for TSH are debatable it seems. Most REs say yours should be between 1-2.5 for optimal conception, but lab levels state that between 1-4 is "normal." My RE has stated that my most recent TSH level if 3.79 is nothing to worry about because I've never been diagnosed as having a hypothyroid - my T4 has been fine. Hmmmm...I've never been tested for that T4 postpartum.... so to double-check, I'm getting the panel done today.

My history of TSH thus far:

11/5/2010: TSH = 2.04 and T4= 1.38  ALL NORMAL and OPTIMAL for conception
11/8/2011: TSH = 2.84 Higher but never put on any meds
2/15/2012: TSH = 3.369 Even higher still, no meds and conceived healthy baby 2 months later
9/18/2014: TSH = 3.79 Whoa now we're getting closer to the limit, but RE said he's not worried


AHHCKK, so what to do?  Almost all the boards have been saying their RE's want their TSH lower to 2.5 or 2 range. I've certainly conceived outside of that range so I'm not sure what to believe. I trust my doctor that's for sure, but what if this is the missing link?

It would take some time to get my thyroid back to normal so if my RE decided to put me on meds, we'd necessarily be delayed with this last FET. I'm sure I'd be sad to delay but if warranted, we would delay.  Better safe than sorry with this last FET, right? I'm confused so I read more online and found an article here which has helped me to understand my RE's point of view:  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3124612/

Basically, it states that my borderline high level of TSH was not associated with adverse ART outcomes. So there's research there that backs it up, but still - if we can fix it and get it lower, should we do it?

FET 4.0 aka The Hail Mary

Yeah, this was supposed to work the first time around back in October, remember? I was so hopeful then and nervous that we'd end up with a family much larger than expected. Now, 8 months later, here we start on our last FET with our very last embryo. I was so naive to not think of this possibility. Of course, it was always in the way way back of my head, yet - here we are.

Lining was nice and thin yesterday and hormones looked good so we started del estrogen IMs last night. It's like deja vus in our house with this stuff. It's so routine I don't even flinch at the needle any more. Don't most people wash their face, brush their teeth, use the restroom and then inject themselves with a 3 inch needle full of hormones before they turn in?

C's transition to the toddler room continues to be difficult, but I think we're getting somewhere. Yesterday was his first day where he napped with the big kids on his own little cot. He slept for almost 2 hours which is much better than what he'd been doing in the infant room. It's just too noisy for him there to get much rest. In toddlers, everyone sleeps at the same time and it's dark and quiet and they play music. WOW - you could tell he did well with the extra sleep because he wasn't cranky yesterday evening at all. Hoping we've turned a corner with the napping. Now I just wish we could avoid the meltdowns during drop off.