FET #2 Is Underway

My period finally came...well sorta. Skip down a paragraph if you're not one for TMI sharing.

I started spotting on Monday which would mean I had a 34 day cycle. One of my longest but still within the range of "this has happened before so don't panic."  I called my nurse and told her and she said all I needed to do was start BCPs on day 3. YAY! No need to go in for blood work or US.  Great, right?  Well then Monday evening and all day Tuesday, my period stopped completely. It was so strange.  Cue freak out - maybe I'm pregnant?!?! Why oh why do I get my hopes up. I took a HPT in the bathroom at work yesterday just to put the crazies to rest and NEGATIVE glared back at me so there you are.  Super strange taking a HPT in the stall in a semi-public restroom by the way.  Thankfully, I woke up this morning and AF is back and looking good so I started my pills and am looking forward to January.

I take my last pill on Jan 7th, go in for blood work and if all looks good I'll start shots again on Jan 9th.  The del estrogen shots are no biggie and since they are only once every 3 days, I'm not worried about those. It's the darn PIO shots that I'm really not looking forward to.  E says how much he hates giving me those shots because he knows he's hurting me - what a sweet man.  I have been known to yell at him if they hurt and while I know it's not his fault - I'm still in pain and yelling helps. I think we'll have to come up with a strategy for this next round so we don't end up angry at each other so often.  FET date is set for Jan 28th!!!

So time will fly, I hope. Between Christmas, our trip to see family, New Years and then our son's first birthday in between there's plenty to keep me occupied.

Christmas is going to be great this year but it also reminds me of all the terrible Christmases I've had before. I was in a lot of pain December 2011 and just wanted to erase the entire season.  It's hard when you know there are others suffering this time of year as you once were.  My heart is with all of those still trying each and every day, but especially during the holidays when you're "supposed" to be happy and celebrating the birth of a child.  When you long for one, it's the toughest season of all.

The Worst Part About Having the Stomach Flu

Is holding out hope that you might be pregnant!  Seriously, I'm on day 32 of my cycle and waiting on pins and needles for AF to arrive so I can get my calendar for FET #2.  There really isn't any hope because I've had up to 36 day cycles before so I just have to wait. 

I will call my nurse on Monday if AF still hasn't arrived to let her know. I think this happened once before and they had me come in for blood work and then I just start up on BCPs anyway without having a bleed.  I hate my body.

I'm here...just waiting around

As usual....

Waiting this time for AF to arrive so I can start BCPs, AF again and then start del estrogen for a January FET.

These last few weeks have been insanely busy. So much so that I incurred a late payment fee on my Banana Republic credit card (got it waived - thankfully) AND incurred an overdraft fee on my checking account. Darn those automatic student loan withdrawals!  Ugh.... just craziness and I swear I have good credit otherwise. There just isn't enough room in my brain to remember all of this stuff, hence the reason I signed up for automatic payments in the first place.  Ironic, right?!?!

We have dealt with the cold and flu season with as much force as we have been able to muster.  Had the never ending virus of extreme cough, fever and occasional vomit not once, but twice so far this season. It decided to come back with a vengeance the day before Thanksgiving so we all had an absolutely miserable holiday. 

E and I managed to hold it together and find some humor in the moment as we had loaded up the sick baby, the dog, the stuffing and presents (we brought gifts early because we weren't going to see my nieces and nephews at X-mas) and the song, "It's the most wonderful time of the year" comes blaring through the radio. Instead of tears, we managed laughs.  We cut the trip short to just one day as the little guy was miserable, wouldn't sleep, neither E nor I got any sleep Thanksgiving night and the constant comments by my mother-in-law that we should take the baby to the ER.  Lovely woman, but she has a flare for the dramatic when it comes to medical issues. We had already taken him to the doc the day before...he had a virus, nothing to do.

Anyway, virus turned into an ear infection and now we're on the mend after our first round of antibiotics.  Phew! Hoping we get a reprieve for X-mas. 

In all the chaos, it wasn't hard to feel thankful though for my wonderful family.  This holiday, as miserable as I felt, was still better than the ones without my son.  Toughest job ever - but couldn't help feel so happy to be a family of three. Hoping FET #2 in January is a success and we grow this craziness a bit more.

Other things on my mind

Did I kill my embryo?  I can't get this out of my head.  When a frozen transfer doesn't work after a successful IVF, you've got to wonder.  Was it me or was it the embryo? And I can't help but think it was me.  It was a "perfect" blast. And now I'm thinking I should have insisted on the steroids the first time around with the FET rather than wait for a failure.

The good news is that my RE has agreed to the prednisone this next time around. I was on them for my successful IVF so it's got be wondering if our decision to forgo the steroids cost us a baby.  It's heartbreaking to think this way. 

And what if that was our only good remaining embryo?!?! I've just killed it. I also asked about endometium scratching which may improve implantation, but RE won't agree to do it until I've had another FET failure - fun, right?  I've had 4 transfers of 1 "perfect" blast each time and only one successful pregnancy so do I think there's an implantation issue going on too, you bet! 

Hind site is 20/20 but these are the thoughts that crowd my mind these days. What could I have done better, more, less of?  Or, perhaps I should know better - I have no control over this process whatsoever. 

Where do I fit in now?

This trying again for number 2 thing is a little strange as I am not really sure where I fit in. I am definitely still infertile but I am lucky enough to already be a mom.  I am well aware of my "luck" here but now I feel lost in a community I once fit in so well.

I had to update my blog roll because most of  the ladies I got pregnant with are blissfully enjoying their number 1 (as am I of course) but have not yet decided to try for number 2.  It's just tough because going through IVF and FETs are so much easier when you have a friend, anonymous or otherwise, to go through it with you.

I am in luck though as a friend from my Resolve group will be cycling for her number 2 in January along with me. We were both pregnant with our number 1's about the same time so she really gets it. But why does January seem so far away right now, when I know by looking at the calendar and all the holidays, trips, feasts and activities in between will make it fly right by. 

Plus then I'm also deathly afraid that we'll exhaust all of our frozen embryos and still not have gotten anywhere.  We have 3 left - good odds I know, but at $4600 a pop, they're nothing to take lightly.  After 2 of these FETs, we'll have spent the equivalent of a fresh IVF (without meds) and part of me just wonders if we should just skip right to that.  It's impossible to see the future I know, but it's hard to live in the present sometimes when you know there are wonderful possibilities to be a part of.

Beta Day Came and Went

It was yesterday and I went in as a dutiful infertility patient only to get the news a few hours later that my test was negative. I let the call go to voicemail. 

Well this just plain sucks. How could it not work? Am I that broken? 

It took awhile after I stopped the PIO shots to get my period, but it came today. I was starting to get worried those shot royally screwed up my cycle, but I started spotting yesterday.  After becoming a crazy person over the weekend -- coming off estrogen and progesterone and then getting a period any second, boy I was a little nuts. I felt unglued as E and I argued in the self pick-up section of Ikea while trying to gather the modular storage pieces for the baby's playroom.  I thought divorce was imminent.  Let's just say that we will never be going back to Ikea together again. 

It looks like I will sit this next cycle out and then call with my December period. Then it's the same protocol as before but I've insisted on the Prednisone this time around. It worked when we got lucky with that last fresh IVF.  My doc is on board. 

Now I'm just going to try to enjoy the holidays for a few weeks before we start this up again.

Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

I will keep you from the suspense - I tested. It was negative. I am talking stark white, not a hint of a prayer negative.  I tested last night at 9 days past transfer and then again this morning for good measure at 10 days past so I think it would take an absolute miracle for beta to be positive on Monday.

With each day that passed, I could feel myself become more and more hopeful. I just knew this one had worked. Yes, I was crampy which was a a bad sign for me in general but I am thirsty like a mad woman. This symptom was definitely present when I was successful last time so surely it meant I was pregnant.  Ahhh - that's the body I remember. The one who tricks me at every turn and who fails to do what is just plain natural.  I should have known.   

This sucks!  I had a cry with E, a glass of wine and a bath. It helped a little.  I cried a little for this cycle, a little for our uncertain future but mostly because that negative test opened the floodgates of feelings past.  How the heartache just came rushing all back in.  I had to keep looking at the baby monitor to remind myself that I am a mommy already.  I am so lucky to have a beautiful son who is so happy, he sleeps, he eats and he is the light of my world.  We are so blessed, but this still hurts too. 

After the initial sadness, E and I talked about the future.  The fact of the matter is - we started this early because we knew this outcome was a possibility.  We purposely did not want to start trying for another when our son was 2 only to figure out that none of our frozens worked.  I also pointed out to E that we were in no way, shape or form prepared to be a family of 5 so that necessarily had to mean that some of those embryos wouldn't work (or we'd have to make the tough decision to donate remaining frozens).  We have always talked about giving each of these frozens a fighting chance. But why did the first one have to be a negative?

I took my PIO shot last night just in case, but will likely skip one or 2 nights leading up to Monday's beta just because my butt hurts.  So we will take a break for the holidays and likely do another transfer in January I hope. 

I am trying to look at the bright side here and have made a quick list so I keep things in perspective:

- I get to enjoy some holiday cocktails. Woohoo! Last year I was very pregnant so this year - bring on the champagne and egg nog people. 

- My body gets a little more time to heal from the c-section.  I haven't discussed anything with my OB yet, but there's a possibility (at least in theory) of trying a VBAC.  The more time that passes in between pregnancies, the better your candidacy becomes for a VBAC.

- More time to focus on our son this Christmas season. We won't be preoccupied with betas, ultrasounds, or NT scans. We can just focus on making our first Christmas as a family of three the best Christmas we've had yet.

- More time to replenish my leave for work. It was severely depleted when I took 3 months off for maternity leave at the beginning of this year, so a few more months to build it up is a good thing.

- I am going to loose those last 8 lbs before I get pregnant again. Yeah, yeah I know the holidays are the worst time to try to diet, but it's got to get done. I know I can loose these, I just have to be very strict with working out and my food intake.  I will try to go back to gluten free/dairy free which really worked before. Plus, I think it will be a good thing to prepare my body for another pregnancy.

- More spacing in between kids. Let's face it - having 2 little ones only 18 months apart would be a challenge - one we were certainly up for, but a challenge indeed.  Now if next cycle works, of course they'll be close but perhaps 2 years apart in school instead of just 1.    

- The possibility of a family of 4 instead of a family of 5.  While 4 would be insane, 5 would be outrageous and E gets visibly upset when I talked about that possibility.  Ideally, we'd like 2 - maybe 3, but if push came to shove 4 would be OK with me I think. 

And because I'm a crazy infertile mommy I had to do some math just to keep my hopes up for this season and next cycle.  With the likelihood of each FET having a 50% success rate and us having had 4 frozen embryos (now we're down to 3), the math looks something like this:

With 4 - the probability of at least 1 embryo working is 94% and the probability that none will work is the inverse at 6%.

With 3 remaining, we still have very good odds - the probability of at least 1 embryo working is 87% and the probability that non will work is about 13%. 

So we may have to endure some more negatives, but there's hope there....somewhere.