Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day

Wow - it's mid-February! I had forgotten how much time seems to fly by when you're not cycling or in a 2WW or waiting to cycle. I know technically we may be cycling again but it's a few months out - either April/May or most likely May/June.  I do hope these next three months fly by.

Before I jump in here - Beta last Friday was at 11.7 so I have to get tested again on Thursday.  It had better be negative by then!

I have been so busy gathering all the necessary paperwork and meeting with our social worker.  We had our first official meeting last Thursday.  It lasted about 2 hours and we talked about how we met, what first attracted us to our spouse, our early relationship...and we talked about infertility.

I described the road we've been on for the past 2.5 years and how I recently began seeing a therapist.  Surprisingly, they are very supportive if you're getting counseling.  They like to know you're dealing with all the feelings surrounding your infertility and adoption in a healthy and productive way.  In describing our road, I broke down at one point when I got to my sister's pregnancy. It's basically what drove me into therapy.  I didn't expect to cry and it really caught me off guard. 

I still have so many jealous, angry, guilty feelings surrounding my sister's pregnancy. I wish I could be there for her at this time. I wish I could be happy for her and talk about the baby's room, the decorations, etc. I can barely even muster up the tiniest, "How are you feeling today?" when we chat on the phone which is few and far between these days.  Therapy has taught me though that all these things are normal and that one day, infertility will be over.  GOD I HOPE SOON!

Anyway, the meeting went really well and I have my one-on-one meeting with our social worker this Friday.  I am currently working on the adoption questionnaire which has to be submitted before the meeting.  Apparently, most people write about 2-3 pages. I'm at 6 and I'm not even done yet. I suppose I'm over thinking all of this and just need to get to the point.

There have been a few more interesting adoption bumps which I haven't yet blogged about but will soon.  This process, now that we're in the weeds, is difficult! It's not romantic like they show in the movies - it's very serious.  I guess I had idealized adoption somewhat to making it more simple than it really is. I thought, well, you fill out some forms, wait a little while and then someone hands you the baby you've been wanting for so long.  Well, nope not like that at all I'm discovering.  I have been forced to get to the oh-so messy feelings behind adoption, are we ready? can I do this? what does having a child who isn't biologically mine really mean? There will be grief that we as adoptive parents experience. There will be grief that our child experiences. 

I have always admired adoptive parents, but going through this process, I have come to respect and appreciate them even more. It truly takes a special couple or individual to put themselves ALL THE WAY out there, to open their hearts and adopt.   

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