Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Piling it on

Do you ever have those minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years that the crap just keeps on coming??!?! I know you do, not just those of us who are infertile, but the regular every day get-pregnant-in-the-back-of-the-van kinda girls do too. But when you're an infertile first time around or second and you're living through your own personal hell and then all of a sudden there's a #$%& storm that just mowed through your life, IT'S A LOT TO TAKE!

The tears have started to come randomly throughout the day. Mostly when I'm alone and it's quiet.  This morning I had a moment where I was blow drying my hair for work and I was in the early stages of a breakdown when C toddled in and cheered me up. I thank God for every moment that little boy is in my life. He saved me this morning that's for sure.

The multiple failed cycles is just the tip of the iceberg of course. There's the fact that E has been laid off weighing on me...there's pacifier-gate which is likely somewhat bad timing on our end but there's never a good time it seems...there's health issues on Eric's side of the family which are stressful in and of themselves - but we're going to have to step up and do more because my in-laws are getting too old to help out.  What else, oh and C is transitioning to the toddler room at daycare and the center director made a dramatic plea (on behalf of C she said) to let us give the paci back. OMG - this lady has lost her mind, but I'm feeling like a terrible mother.  Hmmm and this morning, I read this and I fell deeper into the hole of despair. And it's been pouring rain for the last 24 hours here as if I needed another reminder of the doom and gloom surrounding me.

Crap - it's just a lot all at once. I am so sad for our failed cycles. I'm so anxious about what the future holds for our family and E's next job -not knowing when the next opportunity will come or what it will look like. I'm terrified of the health issues going on with E's sister and hoping our family has enough energy to step up because we're needed and it's what you do for family.  Pacifier-gate aka. taking away the paci cold turkey has been going really well at home and I'm so proud of C.  Now if his new teachers will stop trying to get me to give it back to him, we'd be doing great. UGH I'm ready to strangle the center director at C's daycare. His current teachers have assured me he'll be fine. They know him best so I'm inclined to go with their assessments but still.  And I'm gutted by the news of a fellow blogger who was such inspiration on the same journey as I for another baby.  This unhappy ending is terrible for their family and I know there are no words to make it better.

See it's just A LOT sometimes.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

My Uterus Looks Great

In case you were wondering.

Last Wednesday, we went in for a second opinion with another clinic. I just can't get out of my head how insane it is to do the same exact FET 4 times in a row and not change a thing. It seems so counter-intuitive but I guess that's why I'm not an RE.  It's a numbers game at this point with these embryos and not knowing if this last one is even normal makes me feel so hopeless.

So our appointment went well...the doc was very thorough. Anyone ever wonder why they ask you to fill out their 20 page questionnaire if they're just going to spend 20 mins of your consult asking you the same questions and entering those in their system? Wacky - but oh well. Basically, this RE said that without knowing if this last embryo is even normal, there's not much we can change. Lining looks good every time etc. He did suggest that we do a saline sono though just to check the uterus even though there had been no indications of issues during my transfers or ultra sounds.  He said if we switched practices, he'd likely be a bit more conservative with the stims instead yielding what he thinks will be better quality eggs vs quantity. He acknowledged that he was in the minority on that point though. Also, he would recommend PDG and a stim, test, freeze, transfer cycle. And perhaps ahead of time an endometrial function test. I've got to read more about that first but it sounds interesting.   While there are no guarantees, he thought another IVF was certainly worth it for us. Of course this could be the $$$ talking, but I'd like to think that since we had just disclosed that E got laid off, this doc wouldn't be that callous.

So I left feeling defeated...E didn't feel the same. I am so pissed to be going through this again and questioning every decision we make as well at the REs' decisions. I thought we had this thing. Baby #2 was going to be a breeze. So it might take more than one FET to get there, but we were going to get this done the easy way. I hate feeling like I'm in no man's land again.

We resolved to stick with the current practice at least through this last FET. It just doesn't make sense $$ wise to move the embryo. Plus I still really love my current RE and he's one of the best in the country - oh and he got me pregnant once too already so there's that. I asked for the saline sono to be done before going ahead and he said no problem. He totally understood why we would want to be sure before using our last embryo.  I went in yesterday and everything looks perfectly fine.

It was odd walking into the office yesterday as we were at a location I don't visit that often. In fact, the last time I was in that particular office, we were going for our 8 week ultra sound with my son. To be back there at this stage in our journey was tough.  Happy memories were overtaken by anxiety instead. This just blows! 

We move ahead...last BCP is Saturday with check next Monday and I'll start those shots again that afternoon if everything looks OK. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

How Come I Can't Be Happy With 1?

I am so irritating.  Why am I dragging my family through more treatments, and spending more money?  E is supportive but it doesn't feel like he's as enthusiastic for another like I am.  Don't get me wrong, he wants another - but he's maybe not as gung-ho on being put through the ringer again like I am.  Frankly, I feel like some days I must have a death wish.

I know why I do it - C is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.  Being a mommy is the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. I am so full of joy and happiness when I looking into that little boy's face and even the tough days feel incredible to me.  I know how lucky I am each day.  We are good parents (so far) and having a second child would make are hearts and home twice as full.

I will be content if we are only meant to have one but I have some fight left in me still and I'm not yet 33. I have some time to work this out...we changed insurance and have money saved for this.  We're going to give it a few more months of treatment before we throw in the towel.

According the my RE we've got about a 33% chance of this last frozen working. If you asked an embryologist though, they'd estimate more like 50-60%, but my RE knows my stats for implantation failure.  Well 1 in 3 isn't nothing. It's a shot and we're going to go for it.  A fresh is most likely in our near and inevitable future. 

I could never predict this journey of ours - the ups, the downs, the twists and turns.  I laugh when E started to have anxiety about the possibility of 5 children. Boy, we were cocky weren't we?!?!?

The truth is, I am happy with one. Incredibly, over-the-moon, the bestest feeling on the planet to be the mommy of one.  I want another and it sucks to have found the magic potion only to find out it's only single use.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Well this is getting redundant

I tested Friday morning and another BFN starred back at me.  Gosh, not even a chemical in these 3 transfers! I went in for beta this morning like a dutiful little glutton for punishment. Awaiting results now, but it's hopeless. I've already started spotting it seems.

I stopped meds on Friday because I just couldn't take it anymore. We are going for a second opinion next week with a new RE. I've seen 3 different REs in the metro area throughout the course of my fertility journey...and one OB out of state (not to mention phone consults with SIRM and CCRM).  Trying to find someone with a new perspective is getting difficult here. 

I have more questions for the new RE and my current RE. I don't want to switch clinics but I want to hear what another doc has to say.  Right now I'm looking at calendars and figuring out what to do. Options right now look like this:

A.) go straight into another FET with transfer end the of May/beginning of June.
B.) go straight into a fresh IVF with PGD with transfer at end the of May/beginning of June.
C.) take a month off and then do the last FET with transfer at the end of June
D.) take a month off and then do a fresh IVF with PGD with transfer at the end of June/July.

I had to endure the pregnancy announcement by my cousin this weekend. Of course I already knew because she told us in Mexico.  It's hard to be happy for someone when you're going through hell. They were trying for over a year so I suppose I should be cheering them on, timing was bad I guess. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Can Wait No Longer

I will test tomorrow morning at 10 days past transfer. My rear end is so sore and I don't want to waste any more meds. Beta is Monday but I think 10dp5dt will be a reliable indicator. I got a strong positive with C at 10 days past so here goes nothing.

If this doesn't work, I'm thinking of pitching a "Buy 3 FETs, get the 4th free" promotion to my clinic. Seems totally reasonable, right?

Monday, April 7, 2014

Silently Saying This Out Loud

I know in my head this FET is going to be a bust. All medical and statistical signs point to it being a bust. This is the third best embryo we had. It's only a 2AB 6-day blast so it was a slower grower to start with and then it only expanded to stage 2 which is early to intermediate blast stage.

BUT my body feels different. Different than the last 2 FETs - enough that I'm starting to hope and that's a bad thing given the above mentioned paragraph.

Saturday morning I noticed my breasts. Just noticed them really, and they felt fuller than usual. Now my breasts usually go unnoticed 99% of the time by yours truly so for me to "notice" them, was out of the ordinary.  They didn't look fuller in my bra or really even more full to the touch ....just felt fuller. Same with Sunday. Today they feel a teanse bit achy but maybe that's a stretch and my heart is wishing they were on fire.  Of course, I know the meds can give you these symptoms, but I've just done 2 previous FETs with the same medications - exactly the same and somehow this feels different. And different HAS TO BE better, right? Because SAME WOULD BE DEVASTATING!   

So there you have body is fooling my head into hoping that somehow this outcome will be better than the last.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

No April Fools Jokes For Me

Thank goodness this FET went smoothly. I couldn't take another strange transfer - especially not on April Fools day. 

We arrived on time and I had acupuncture before which was great. Left me feeling nice and relaxed. But we were called back into the exam room a few minutes late and then after about 15 more minutes, someone came in to tell me the doc was running behind. UGH - I had to pee so badly.  Apparently, the gal before me had a really high cervix and they were having an extreme amount of difficulty getting the catheter in. I felt bad for her.  About 15 more LONG minutes later, the doctor came in.  I guess they ended up having to get another doctor to do the other transfer and he was able to make it happen. Otherwise, they would have sedated her. UGH...I felt worse for her but I was eager to get the show on the road.  They only defrosted the one embryo so we've still got one left in the freezer. I was fully prepared for them to tell me they had to thaw both of the embryos and this was going to be our last shot.

Transfer was easy peasy - nothing out of the ordinary. My clinic changed their post transfer protocol from bed rest to light activity.  I worked from home yesterday just to be on the safe side though. So now we wait...and wait. Beta is scheduled for the 14th and we've got lots going on between now and then. Hoping that time flies. 

E has had a few more good leads on the job front which is encouraging. Not sure where I should direct my prayers these days ...for a baby or for a good job for E.  I just feel like it's greedy to ask for both at once but I'm not sure it's a one or the other type of thing anyway. It just feels like we couldn't possibly hit the job AND baby jackpot this month, could we?