Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Freak Out #1,067

I can't seem to escape my head or my body for that matter.  I have done this before...carried a healthy baby to full term. Well, past full term in fact. C was 9 days late.  I know my body can do this. I simply can't trust it just yet. It feels like we've started all over. I want so badly to trust this body is carrying a perfect little embryo who we will meet sometime in October but it's just not happening yet.

Today is 7 weeks 4 days. I am continuing to count the hours and minutes that go by without any more red bleeding. I've had brown spotting come and go over the past week. Still a bit freaky but nothing compared to last week's bleed. I have nothing in between those scans to reassure me that everything is fine. I have no additional symptoms beyond thirst.  I guess I can hold onto that.  Breasts feel fine and I keep wondering if/when they'll start to get bigger or more tender. I tried to remember back to my pregnancy with C and I feel like they were a bit more noticeably by now.  UGH, we're not supposed to compare pregnancies right? They're all different.  Except this one is the same and totally different all at once.

Last night on the way home from work, I started to feel something funny down there. As we drove, I tried to ignore it but by the time we arrived home it was too noticeable to ignore. I was having some cramps...down there.  They weren't period cramps per se...they felt a bit more like pulling, stretchy, groin cramps.  Well they were enough for me to absolutely freak out. In the pit of my stomach, I knew things were ending. I prayed and hoped with all my might over that next hour...and then they stopped. No bleeding or spotting accompanied those cramps. Sweet relief.  

Of course there's always a good explanation for cramping but my head always, always goes to the bad news. To that I'm scared is a true understatement. The bleeding really has me on edge so any other little thing that happens immediately makes me feel like we're headed for the worst. I try to take a few moments each day to exhale but it's difficult.

Besides the death of our son or daughter, the thing that has me even more scared is going through more IVF.  Isn't that strange? You'd think by now I wouldn't be scared of IVF anymore, but the thought of never ever having to do another treatment had me on cloud 9 when we got those great beta results.  To finally close this ugly, painful, expensive, heart-wrenching chapter in our lives would be nothing short of incredible.  With the bleed, I was tossed back down to the ground of reality. 

Still 5 more days till our next scan. Slugging through one hour at a time.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Dear Fate...

So if I promise not to tempt you. If I promise not to let my guard down for longer than 2 minutes. If I promise to live in the moment as much as possible...will you please let this pregnancy continue uneventfully for the next 8 months?

So far there hasn't been any more bleeding over the weekend. Thank goodness. There's just been a little bit of brown discharge here and there. There was more brown on Thursday but now I only see it about once a day. 

Today's scan went very well. Baby was still measuring behind but measured 4 full days of growth since we had our last US 4.5 days ago.  We're still technically behind by 4 days at 6w5days but I'm trying not to let that get to me.  They measured the heartbeat at 121 which was great.  We are so incredibly relieved.

They were able to spot the source of the bleeding a bit better today. Apparently it looks like a little pocket of blood under the sack. It's much smaller than it was last week which is encouraging. I could still see some more bleeding of course so that scared the crap out of me. But it's really good that the pocket looks smaller. Apparently, last week they could see something but it was foggy and filled with blood. Today the "blood blister" looked clear and empty..and much smaller.

I am so scared still but trying to take a few moments to take a few deep breaths. We go back in a week to check on things. 

I am still super thirsty and today was the first day that my breasts felt a tiny bit sore. I know that can come and go.  Constipation is hit or miss. Actually the nervous tummy has been really good for that. Sorry, if that was TMI. E and I are taking things one scan at a time.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Seeing Red

This is going to be quick because I am exhausted. I think bullets will work today:

- had a good trip
- started bleeding at airport on the way home (I mean a lot, lasted for about 45 mins but lack of cramping gave me hope)
- we cried, worst flight ever
- was able to get an US and had to race there from airport
- amazingly, we saw the flicker of a heartbeat
- couldnt measure HB because baby was so small and my heart was racing so much
- baby measured 3 days behind but doc not worried as thats still within normal range
- yolk sac and fetal pole look good
- no sign of why I bled
- could get some more bleeding, they dont know
- overall, the pregnancy looks pretty normal
- i go back monday to check HB and growth
- so far no more bleeding today
- hoping and praying this baby stays around

Thursday, February 12, 2015

I am Living My Dream

As I drove into work today I thought about how I was sure any moment now I was going to wake up from this dream.  It also dawned on me that I'm currently truly living my dream life - I have an amazing husband, a comfortable home, a good job, a gorgeous 2-year old running all over the house and as far as we know, we'll have another baby on the way in 8 months. It truly is my dream come true and I feel like if I am not at least be a little happy in this moment, I'll be mad at myself.

I know how quickly things can change. I know what the risks are. I will be devastated if things do not work out, but all I have is today and these moments. I may never get them back again so I'm going to just be happy - I've decided.  This takes work of course because negative thoughts come creeping in all the time, but I'm trying to kick those out.  I have learned there's always plenty of time for sadness.

One more week till ultrasound. Hoping our little family vacation helps the time go by faster.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

Blood is drawn and now I've got about 6 more hours to wait for the results of beta #3.  I am scared out of my mind. This weekend was a long one with Saturday afternoon being a little touch and go.  That afternoon I got my haircut...course I cancelled the coloring out of an abundance of precaution. Had to stave of pregnancy notions from my hairdresser of course.

I felt fine for the most part but then I started noticing some coming and goings of cramping. They weren't uncomfortable but noticeable. I headed to the store after the haircut and felt them and on.  I tried to ignore them but at one point I ran to the nearest public restroom because I was sure I was bleeding...nope all was fine.  Phew. Sunday and today I've felt totally fine.

Saturday's intermittent cramping stayed with me for a few more hours and then of course I scoured my old posts and fertility friend charts to see what I recorded with my 2 chemicals and then C's pregnancy.  I am deathly afraid of a repeat of chemical pregnancy #1 - I had a "perfect beta" at 19dpo and then started cramping the next day and bled throughout the day. Beta #2 fell by 1/2 which my RE said was really unusual to go down so fast. This time, I haven't had any bleeding at all which is good I guess.

Then with C's pregnancy, I recorded some intermittent light cramping as well. But I also recorded sore breasts coming and going. UGH - I know none of it means a thing. The only thing that counts is the blood test. I am so scared that I will wake up from this dream and be thrown right back into my usual nightmare.   

UPDATE:  Oh thank goodness; they didn't make me wait long. Beta was 4,329 and her words were "your beta rose beautifully." I am still in shock that this is happening. They want me to come in early next week for an US but I won't be home from our Denver trip until Thursday so I'll have to make the appointment then. Hoping our trip is a good distraction until the next appointment. It's a big one that's for sure. I would love nothing more than to hear that little heartbeat.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Still in it!

Beta went up to 984! I was literally in tears at my desk after I heard the news. I didn't eat all day because I was so nervous.  I can't believe this....just going to be happy for a few more days till my next beta on Monday. I really really hope this is it!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Hanging In and Hanging On

The wait for for first beta was tough but I knew there would be a number.  Second beta is a little worse because you know there's a number but is it really going in the right direction? And after my pee stick freak out...I'm nervous that line really did get lighter.  Only time will tell. I HATE TIME!  And then, sometimes I love it as well.

I have resisted the urge to POAS again because I know it will only drive me more crazy.  It won't change anything. I'll be analyzing the bejeezus out of it, googling stuff, and in the end, I'll still have to take my shots and go in for a beta tomorrow.  So I'm trying to be a little happy today because I know it's all I've really got...the here and the now.

I whisper a hail mary while walking to work. I whisper one when I'm alone in the bathroom. I whisper another while I'm driving home. About every hour, I whisper some prayer to someone because it makes me feel like I'm "doing something to help."  Yes, I'm hanging on to anything and everything right now.

The other nagging thing that's been on my mind is how eerily similar this cycle is to my cycle with Connor.  Because it's been bugging me, I just need to throw it out there.

- C's cycle, we had a chemical the cycle previous to his. 
- We have a trip to Denver planned at the end of next week to visit my sister and my new niece #2.  I was in the 2ww with C during our last trip to Denver to visit my sister and niece #1. 
- This baby and new niece #2 will be 10 months apart.  C and niece #1 are 10 months apart.
- January is our lucky month:  anniversary and C's birth.

Yeah so maybe I'm thinking a little too much about this but I am trying to find reasons the universe is going to help to make this happen.  

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Not Sure What to Think

My emotions are all over the place.

We tested last night...and got a POSITIVE! Like a really strong one.

I arrived home before E but waited till he got home. We tested right away because neither of us could take the pressure anymore.  The line came up just about the same time as the control. And it was nice and dark, perhaps even darker than the test line. I of course thought it was negative at first, but I realized I needed to give it more than 10 seconds to darken.

We were on cloud nine and just hoping for the best.

Then I tested this morning with FMU and the FRER looked a smidge lighter. But the control line looked a little lighter too so we don't know what to think. I took one of those CBE weeks estimator tests and it showed up "Pregnant" pretty quick but then it took awhile for the timing part to show...and when it did, my heart sank "1-2" when I'm technically 2 weeks and 2/3 days since ovulation. Friends have reassured me that those tests are really wonky so I'm trying not to freak.  They've also told me that I shouldn't compare my evening test to my morning test right after each other. So, I don't know what to think.

I flipped out a little this morning and asked for a beta a day early. So now blood is drawn and I wait.  I am not expecting beta to be as high as it was for C.  With him, my lines showed up so fast...and before the control line. I think there might be less HCG in there but I'm really really hoping with all my might that we get a good enough number to be in the game.  I wanted to test sooner so my second beta would be one day sooner - and that's the important one - to make sure it's rising appropriately.

And of course, I looked up betabase info and C's betas were always lower than their averages and he was perfect. Please pray that this works.

I think I'll be stepping away from the sticks.

UPDATE: beta was 370! I am shocked that it was even higher than C's beta. Those pee sticks are evil. I am not going to test again. I have had so few happy days infertility wise and I just want to live in Ignorant bliss for 48 more hours. I guess it's a little silly but the sticks are just going to make me crazy and/or upset and there's nothing I can do about it now except pray. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to freaking out again but for now I'm on the verge of cautiously optimistic. Could this Lone Ranger really be the one?

Monday, February 2, 2015

Groundhog Day

It's Groundhog Day. 

This evening I'll finally POAS at 11dp5dt or 16dpo. It's one of the longest stretches I've ever waited to test. I'm waiting because last cycle was hell on us.

Beta is Wednesday.

Am I due to repeat history over and over again?