Monday, April 27, 2015

16 weeks, can this really be?

I am still in disbelief most days that this last transfer really worked. I am giving meds away, putting IVF far far from my mind and trying all I can do to think of the future with another little one in the house. On the bad days, my mantra becomes, "it could be a bad day with you not pregnant so cheer up" and it works like a charm.

Our last appointment was great, quick and uneventful. I loved hearing the heartbeat on the doctor's doppler just thump away. Their machines are much better than mine. I was a little disappointed in my weight gain, but I've been the one stuffing my face so I've only got myself to blame. I need to be better and slow the gain a bit.

I still haven't felt any movement yet but I'm really hoping in the next week I will. I first started feeling "bubbles" with C around 18 weeks. They say with the second pregnancy, you usually feel things sooner so I'm hoping for a week sooner. Gosh, that will be amazing to feel that again.

I am still in hiding at work...but plan to tell them this week. I've been disguising my belly pretty good I think with loose tops but I know in about 2 weeks that will be impossible. I'm nervous of course to tell my new boss...seeing as I just started 3 weeks ago but what could I do? Maternity leave will be just a small blip on the map compared to my length I plan in staying. I shouldn't be that nervous, but I am.  Perhaps it's because then I'll really have to believe I'm pregnant...knowing how nervous I am that things could go wrong.

I started having crazy c-section dreams already. Freaked me out...I only hope I don't have to endure 5 more months of these and my mind will let me rest. I'm pretty sure we'll go for another c-section unless we have a girl and I go into labor around 37 weeks which will likely mean a smaller kiddo.  I doubt any of that will happen though as we went to 41.5 weeks with C. We've already looked at a calendar and found a good date which is pretty crazy to me. We won't be able to schedule it until 24 weeks though which is fine.

My mind is now focused on the anatomy scan. I am so nervous the baby isn't growing right. I haven't had an US in quite awhile and am soo hoping for a healthy little on in there.  Of course, we're excited to find out if we're having a boy or a girl but hoping to get that info sooner from my RE and the results of the PGS testing. I've requested the information from my clinic but I'm not sure when it will arrive.

Otherwise, life with a toddler is amazing and challenging all at the same time. I think the biggest challenge for me is how physically demanding things can get. C is a solid kid and strong. When he doesn't want to get dressed, get in his car seat, eat dinner...anything for that matter, I can't really physically make him do much. He's strong, I'm stronger but I don't want to risk hurting him, or him accidentally kicking my stomach. Diaper/clothes changes are getting very difficult and I've resolved to allow a small "treat" for staying still. It's the only thing that works and one small marshmallow isn't going to cause too much damage. 

And then of course E had shoulder surgery last week so he's only got the use of his left arm...he's right handed. He'll be in a sling for another 5 weeks. UGH. Thank goodness my mom came to help out because I have no idea what I'd do having to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, meals, etc. by myself. Single parents are incredible!  Mom will go home in a few days and I'm already nervous.

Sorry for the ramblings. There's just been a lot going on in our household but even on the bad days, life is pretty amazing.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Other Side

Lately, my mind has been drifting to thoughts of what life will be like on the other side. The other side of trying to conceive that is, because I will always count myself an infertile. When you've struggled to have children like E and I have, I think you earn the right to be a lifetime member of that club.

Many would say I'm already in a club... I'm a mom, but I was also back in the trenches for quite some time so I feel like there's still this other other club that I long to be a member of. The club where you're not constantly planning your life around cycles, shots, other people's baby showers, unexpected weight gain, appointments, hormones, thinking about what to do with frozen embryos, delaying trips, being lapped by fertiles, seeing white on a HPT, protecting your marriage from this evil infertility and planning for an uncertain financial future.

Unless one of us has a major change of heart... this baby is it for us. The thought of trying again makes me want to vomit, and I'm anxious just at the thought of doing another cycle.

I have started this list in my head...and I'm scared to write it down in case this pregnancy takes a nose dive. I'm still worried about that of course but we've been using the doppler about once a week which helps calm my crazies.  Perhaps over the next few weeks, I'll get the courage to share with you. It's not monumental or anything, it's just what I've been putting on mental hold.

Next check up on on the 24th...anxious to get there.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

13 weeks and Telling the Fam

We were able to celebrate with Eric's family on Easter Sunday which was nice although I was exhausted from the day. First church and then my cousin's baby shower.  I had to hide the pregnancy at the shower with Spanx....yeah not so fun but I survived.

C wore his "big brother" shirt to Easter dinner that evening and it took the gang awhile to figure out what was going on. At one point, E had to mention his new Easter bunny shirt and finally my sister-in-law looks at me with shock and tears in her eyes...and says, "does this mean?"  And I replied, "yes, I'm pregnant."  She knows intimately about our struggles because they struggled quite a bit too so she was overjoyed.  Well, the whole family was overjoyed. My mother-in-law admitted she thought we might be finished having children but couldn't be happier. Tears and hugs all around. It was wonderful.

But as I sit here with my non-maternity pants digging into my waist, I can't help but be anxious for telling my side of the family - more specifically, my cousins and my Aunt and Uncle.  My cousin has my maternity clothes and I really am needing those back. Pants especially.

I will try to keep things hush hush at work for about 3 more weeks if that's possible but I'm not sure. It seems like Saturday, I just popped out and now there's no going back.

It is still surreal to be pregnant but each morning I wake up is the happiest I think I've ever been.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

We're doing well

It seems so strange to be writing that, but we are.  Monday's appointment and NT scan went perfectly with baby measuring about 12 weeks so still 2 days behind but I'm not worrying about that anymore.  The heartbeat was pumping along at 163 bpm and the nuchal fold measured great at 1.6.  No news is good news on the blood work, but I think I'll call next week just to confirm the results.

My doc didn't see a reason to do the Verifi testing especially because she didn't think my insurance would cover it. I'm not high risk or over 35. She said it could cost about $800 and that we should save our money. Also, if the blood work from Monday comes back with any red flags, we could then decide to do the extra test and it would be covered by insurance at that point. So I was totally on board with that plan.  Plus, if we're dying to know the sex early, I can call my RE's office to get the results of the PGS testing.  Surprisingly, I'm not worried about the sex at all.

I mean, I want to know eventually, but right now...I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping for one healthy check up after the other. Truly it's the least of my worries.

We've been using the Doppler here and there to ease my mind whenever I have a panic. I still have no symptoms really whatsoever, so I am really thankful I have it.  I haven't been using it too much and will shoot for about once a week if I need it.

With the Easter weekend coming up, we plan to tell more friends and family.  I'm both nervous and excited to do the telling.  This baby will certainly feel more real once we tell more people.  I'm trying to wait till 15-16 weeks to tell work though. The one bright side of not getting back to your pre-baby weight for baby #1 is that for baby #2, you have a ton of regular clothes that still fit you for a few more weeks. My cousin has most of my maternity clothes which I'll need back soon so I'm glad we're planning to tell them this weekend.

....Maternity clothes again....this is surreal....