Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I can't come up with any clever blog titles for the fact that we're doing yet another FET.  I started BCPs on the 15th, transfer is planned for April 1st.  The only thing we're doing differently is that we're trying an endometrial biopsy.  Well, 2 to be exact, about a week apart.

The first one they will actually check my cells to make sure they're normal, the second test they just throw away. I have to get more clarification here but I think the second one is just to stir things up again.  My doc doesn't necessarily think it will help but he doesn't think it will hurt either. So we try.

I had the first one yesterday. I ended up taking a Percocet and 2 motrin. Wow - didn't feel a thing. Well maybe a little cramping but it wasn't bad. The worst part was them getting the speculum in. That hurt.  But the physician's assistant who did my procedure actually commented that I handled that the best she's ever seen anyone handle the procedure. Hmmm thinking not everyone took a Percocet ahead of time though :). E found it comical that I took credit for being so "strong." 

It was hell to pay later in the day though - threw up twice at work because of that darn pain killer. I only took 1 after lunch (about 30 mins before the procedure) and I thought I had enough food in me to combat the queasiness I usually get after taking one, but alas I was wrong!  I found myself sprinting to the bathroom on 2 occasions, both times there were other women in the restroom. Sorry, ladies! I guess I could have thrown up in my office trash can - at least I would have had privacy, but I thought clean up would be worse. Proud that I made it to the bathroom both times though.  OH, it was a rough day.

And now I'm torn what to do about the second one - pain meds or no? My stomach has never really been happy with me when I take Percocet, I much prefer Vicodin.  As Dr. Google explains, Percocet is twice as strong as Vicodin - different tiers of drugs I guess. So I think I've resolved to go with the Vicodin and tough it out.  I still think I'll be OK with the lesser pain killer - but I think I definitely need something a little stronger than just Advil to get me through it. One more biopsy to go! 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

What Went Wrong?

Nothing really - that was the answer I got. Oh, I got a few more answers, but I didn't like them very much either.

After the phone consult with my RE, here's what I learned:

- It took a lot to get my pregnant the first time around, so it's not unfathomable that it will take A LOT to get me pregnant the second time as well (DEPRESSING!)
- I likely have a higher proportion of abnormal embryos than an ordinary person my age despite them looking "perfect" at 5-day blasts (DEPRESSING!)
-He will do an endometrial biopsy for me but doesn't think it will help, nor hurt so it was up to me (SORTA DEPRESSING).
- He doesn't think my tubes are blocked leading to any toxic fluid in my uterus (Good news, but I'm not convinced).
- He doesn't think my scar tissue is creating any implantation failure (Good news, but I'm not convinced).
- My 2 remaining embryos are 6-day blasts and still considered "good quality" on the good, fair, poor scale and he would still recommend transferring them.  (Good news I guess, but they're not "perfect" like the others ).
- If we went for another fresh cycle down the road, he'd likely suggest PGD testing (DEPRESSING to think of doing another fresh).
- He would support us if we wanted to transfer 2 at a time, but I think we're set on just one.
- We're at the mercy of statistics and we just have to keep slugging it out (SUPER DEPRESSING!)

So here we are, gearing up for FET #3 planned for - you can't make this stuff up - April Fools Day!

Monday, February 10, 2014

It Never Gets Easier

Beta day always sucks. Officially a BFN and I have 1,000 questions for my RE which I've written on an oversized post-it note on my desk. My nurse said he'll call tomorrow but today, I feel hopeless. Why do I keep killing these embryos? Are we really meant to suffer the same excruciating journey on our quest for baby #2?  I am so stupid for thinking this would be easier the second time around.  

Friday, February 7, 2014

Another One Bites the Dust

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised anymore when I see that stark white HPT starring me right in the face. I sat there willing that blue line to show up with all my might. I squinted, I flipped it...I even fished it out of the trash twice to check if anything had shown up. Nada, zilch...back to square one.

I will test again tomorrow just to be sure but there's no hope. Testing at 9 days past transfer there ought to be at least something.  The worst part is that I have to go out an buy another test.  I used the last one last night. A friend and I were discussing how buying pregnancy tests actually makes us angry.  It does! Because I have to buy it knowing it's negative. I think infertiles should get a pity discount. 

So beta will come on Monday and I have more questions for the doc, but the main one that I can't get out of my head - "What if FETs just don't work on me?" We have 2 frozens left but are we wasting our time and should we just move to fresh? OH lord that sounds daunting - the thought of stims and egg retrieval again, but I think E and I are both up for one more fresh before we throw in the towel. We'll see what RE says about the other 2 frozens. They are blasts too so ....

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Recap of FET #2

Sorry this is so late in posting, sickness and birthday parties and out of town guests kind of suck up all your time. 

Anyway, FET was scheduled for 1/28 so we arrived in plenty of time - even did acupuncture ahead of the appointment so we were all ready to go.  We are back in the exam room and everything is going smoothly.  They thawed one embryo and we still have 2 more in the freezer. Phew! I was so worried that they'd have to thaw more than one at a time.  Our embryo looked great and it was already starting to hatch.

So transfer goes well, they embryologist heads back into the lab to check to make sure the embryo made it out of the catheter. Waiting...waiting...waiting. My RE says the embryo may be stuck and we'll just try again, not to worry. More waiting.... After what seemed like an eternity, RE removed the speculum (THANK YOU) and goes back into the lab to see what's going on. More waiting ensues. I think he was back there for about 15 more minutes. OMG, we have no idea what's going on.

RE comes back and explains. There are some cells at the end of the catheter. Hmmmm. What?!? It's not my embryo as it looks nothing like my embryo - different shape cells, different characteristics, different quantity. The cell group is larger than my embryo...so it's not part of my embryo that got left behind. Uhhh, E and I are so confused. RE says that some cells could have gotten on the catheter from my uterus but he is 100% confident that we transferred the embryo we were supposed to. It won't do any good to put those cells back in me especially because we're certain it's not the embryo and we don't know what they are.  So there was nothing left to do. We went home - defeated.

We called RE the next day and he explained everything again, but reiterated that he thought 100% we had a successful transfer and that our success rates were not compromised by the unidentified cells on the catheter. I'm freaked out though - and keep thinking there's no way in hell we're going to get a positive out of all of this. 

I'm exhausted, my rear end hurts and I just want to get the bad news over with so I can drink some wine and go for a long run to clear my head. Maybe not in that order thought. Not to mention get another FET going.  I feel like there's absolutely no hope and I'm exhausted. We plan to test tomorrow night at home which will be 10 days past our 5 day transfer so we'll be able to trust the HPT. Beta is scheduled for Monday. 

Although, even when everything goes perfectly well with a "perfect" blast, we still end up with BFNs so OK, there's a teeny glimmer of hope still left.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

FET #2 Done

I have been pretty sick these last few weeks (going on 4 at this point) and just wanted to give you a quick update. We did the FET last week, it was definitely eventful but I'll post about that later.  I have beta scheduled for Monday but I'm really not hopeful at all. I don't know how an embryo could survive this sickness I have.