Thursday, January 29, 2015

Why this cycle won't work

Because I want it to so darn much.

Yesterday, I thought I felt a little pregnant. And every time I "feel a little pregnant" it's a BFN.

Each. and. every. time.

Today I don't feel much really except nausea because of my work situation...nothing to do with maybe being pregnant or not. My face is flushed and I have a massive headache because I hate my job so much right now. I've hated it for a long time but I have too much stress in my life with personal things to change it. 

I know in my head this isn't going to work and I just want to cry. Beta is still 6 days away. Please let this nightmare be over soon.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Response: Yes I can. We can do it.

Question:  I can hang on a little longer if you can...

We're about a week away from knowing if we're on the expedition or the hike. Are we down for another long path? If we're together, the answer is yes. We can do it as terrifying as it seems. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Mission complete

Transfer number 10 (7 since C) went exactly as planned. I have no drama to report as it was truly uneventful.  The time between when they finish transfer and tell me the catheter is clear took more time than ususal it seems, but maybe that's just me. So scared we'd have another strange transfer again on our last shot.  We departed the clinic feeling hopefull and strange, never to be going back there again.

The weekend was busy as we celebrated C's big 2nd birthday. It was so wonderful watching him eat his cake and blow out his candles. There was no crying this year, all smiles.  The party was a success and now I'm pooped. I'm not sure I really stuck to the "light activity" rules they impose...I certainly did not do bed rest.  I feel like it's all a crap shoot anyway and either the embryo and the lining are enough...or it's not. Me not going up the stairs a few times each day has little or no impact on the end game I've come to believe. Even when I do things perfectly...they end in sadness.

Beta is far away. My butt really hurts from shots.  I have to order more meds today...meds that I'm sure I won't finish. My breasts are sore, but it means nothing I know. I have done this wait so many times I should be used to it by now, but it's excruciating. 

Tomorrow and Wednesday will be telling cramps and we're in good shape. If I start to get those tell-tale 4-5 hour cramps, then we're a bust for sure and I'll likely do a HPT by Sunday.  Last cycle's POAS-ing drove me insane so I'll try to hold off as best I can, but I don't think I could wait till beta.

For the past 16 months I've been on a merry-go-round of FETs it seems.  We're getting off soon I promise.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The End of an Era

If tomorrow's FET doesn't work, we're changing clinics.  I'm not ready to give up on IVF just yet but after my second consult with Dr. Peters at SIRM he convinced me that it's time to give up on my current clinic. 

Dr. Peters said that if I was his patient and we had 7 failed transfers over 1.5 years he'd encourage me to look elsewhere. There's something they're not seeing...or we need a different lab...a difference perspective. SOMETHING!

Initially, the thought of switching was terrifying but E and I talked more about it and I'm more comfortable. It just doesn't make logical sense to keep going back to a RE who's out of answers which is I think where we're at.  It makes me sad because they gave me C, they take my insurance and we've nailed the logistics of cycling there etc. Going somewhere new means adding in a new level of stress - especially because we'll likely be going out of state. I've exhausted all of the reproductive endocrinology knowledge in the metro area it seems as I've consulted with or been treated by 5 out of the 7 major area clinics.

Other things Dr. Peters talked about were whether or not hydros were truly found during my lap. I couldn't remember if my OB said the tubes were "unrecognizable" from endo and really mangled or if hydros were really found. Dr. Peters wants to see the operative report which I'll be getting him. After a quick call to my OB's office, the OB who was in read the report stating there were 2 hydros visible so that's good. Dr. Peters was happy to hear that the tubes were gone.

He said it would be reasonable to do 1 more fresh cycle with my own eggs but likely wouldn't suggest more than that. He would like me to retest my FSH and AMH as he thinks I might be borderline DOR. He said it doesn't quite fit my profile as I stim well, produce lots of blasts and with an FSH of 10.6 I'm only on the border. He wants me to retest before he can promise anything though which I think is smart.  He stated that the quality part of a DOR diagnosis is likely where I'd fit but then again, I produced a number of normal embryos...something you don't see with DOR patients either.  So he declared, "I'm a tough one."  Precisely, and my current clinic deals with easier cases.

We talked about PGS and he mentioned a new technology called NGS from a company called Gene Diagnotix. Apparently they're better than the traditional PGS with a higher resolution but I think I'm over the PGS testing because of cost vs. benefit.

So he wants me to keep him posted on this cycle.  If it's negative, I'm to call and ask for a lab requisition to get FSH, AMH, and APAs tested again. Then we'll reevaluate. He said there's a possibility that I could do the NK assay with the Chicago lab but we'll cross that bridge a little later. If NK cells are an issue, transferring one embryo at a time has been a good strategy.

So there you have it. CCRM consult is about a week after beta and we'll see how that goes.

As you can tell, I'm just trying to look past this FET because like the many before it, it's truly a long shot.  Tomorrow, I go into to the operative clinic for the very last time. I will be sad about it. Of course, I'll go into my RE's office for obligatory beta 2 weeks from today but that will be it.  

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Moments of Light

Last night C grabbed his little play toolbox, loaded a few toys in it and told me he was going out. My heart melted as he took the handle of the toolbox and skipped down the hallway.

"Where are you going out to?" I asked.

"The office."

"Oh, that sounds like a fun plan."

"I go to momma's office and then the doctor."

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

2015 Had Better Be Better Than 2014

I know I am blessed in so many ways but seriously, 2014 was a doozy of a year. We managed 4 FETs, a fresh IVF, surgery and then E's job loss of course.  It was a lot to handle in one year that's for sure.

But E found a new job, C continues to thrive and be the most chatty almost-2-year-old we know. The "ready, set, go" run down the hallway into my arms is the best medicine in the world.  Sharing new experiences with him, trips to California, attending family events, growing as a mother and as a wife - just not growing in number as a family.  It hurts...a little bit... almost all the time.  There were happy days in 2014 I know, but somehow the shadow of infertility still lingers over them.  I try as hard as I can not to let it but in truth, it's there.

Sixteen months after embarking on journey for baby #2 and I'm still as lost and confused as ever. When I thought back to last year and my hopes for this one, at the very least, I knew we'd have a plan by now. But that's not the case really. I still don't know which direction we're really headed except that time just keeps marching forward and so must I.

We're going forward with our last PGS tested embryo.  My RE has little hope for this to work with the measly 30% rate he gave us.  This tells me that he has sort of given up on me, us, our family. He's not really that encouraging anymore. It's scary but another fresh cycle is on the table and I'm not sure we should stay at our current clinic. If they don't believe in us anymore, should we believe in them? Now my RE hasn't come right out and said all this, but I'm reading in between the lines. I'm a good reader.

So right now we've officially begun the home study process. Our first meeting went well but I could tell E was nervous. It's a daunting path just like IVF was. But we did it - multiple times and I know we can do this as well.  So we're working on paperwork, fingerprints and getting our ducks in a row. Surprisingly our update is going to take longer than the home study did. There's a training we have to attend in person and we'll be out of town for the next session. So we have to wait till April to take it.  I know April will be here before we know it.

I'm also planning in other ways for this failed FET.  We are consulting with CCRM when we visit my sister next month. The appointment is scheduled about 2 weeks after beta is in so that's good timing. Mostly I want to pick their brains. Cycling there would be too expensive and logistically very difficult for us. I don't think we'd have any money left over for adoption if our CCRM cycle failed.  And then I'm consulting with SIRM again this month. If we do another fresh, I'm seriously considering switching to them. They take our insurance and while out of town cycling would be difficult, it wouldn't be impossible to get there.

So there you have it - 4 paths all at once. Can you keep them straight? I barely can.