Monday, November 18, 2013

Other things on my mind

Did I kill my embryo?  I can't get this out of my head.  When a frozen transfer doesn't work after a successful IVF, you've got to wonder.  Was it me or was it the embryo? And I can't help but think it was me.  It was a "perfect" blast. And now I'm thinking I should have insisted on the steroids the first time around with the FET rather than wait for a failure.

The good news is that my RE has agreed to the prednisone this next time around. I was on them for my successful IVF so it's got be wondering if our decision to forgo the steroids cost us a baby.  It's heartbreaking to think this way. 

And what if that was our only good remaining embryo?!?! I've just killed it. I also asked about endometium scratching which may improve implantation, but RE won't agree to do it until I've had another FET failure - fun, right?  I've had 4 transfers of 1 "perfect" blast each time and only one successful pregnancy so do I think there's an implantation issue going on too, you bet! 

Hind site is 20/20 but these are the thoughts that crowd my mind these days. What could I have done better, more, less of?  Or, perhaps I should know better - I have no control over this process whatsoever. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Where do I fit in now?

This trying again for number 2 thing is a little strange as I am not really sure where I fit in. I am definitely still infertile but I am lucky enough to already be a mom.  I am well aware of my "luck" here but now I feel lost in a community I once fit in so well.

I had to update my blog roll because most of  the ladies I got pregnant with are blissfully enjoying their number 1 (as am I of course) but have not yet decided to try for number 2.  It's just tough because going through IVF and FETs are so much easier when you have a friend, anonymous or otherwise, to go through it with you.

I am in luck though as a friend from my Resolve group will be cycling for her number 2 in January along with me. We were both pregnant with our number 1's about the same time so she really gets it. But why does January seem so far away right now, when I know by looking at the calendar and all the holidays, trips, feasts and activities in between will make it fly right by. 

Plus then I'm also deathly afraid that we'll exhaust all of our frozen embryos and still not have gotten anywhere.  We have 3 left - good odds I know, but at $4600 a pop, they're nothing to take lightly.  After 2 of these FETs, we'll have spent the equivalent of a fresh IVF (without meds) and part of me just wonders if we should just skip right to that.  It's impossible to see the future I know, but it's hard to live in the present sometimes when you know there are wonderful possibilities to be a part of.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Beta Day Came and Went

It was yesterday and I went in as a dutiful infertility patient only to get the news a few hours later that my test was negative. I let the call go to voicemail. 

Well this just plain sucks. How could it not work? Am I that broken? 

It took awhile after I stopped the PIO shots to get my period, but it came today. I was starting to get worried those shot royally screwed up my cycle, but I started spotting yesterday.  After becoming a crazy person over the weekend -- coming off estrogen and progesterone and then getting a period any second, boy I was a little nuts. I felt unglued as E and I argued in the self pick-up section of Ikea while trying to gather the modular storage pieces for the baby's playroom.  I thought divorce was imminent.  Let's just say that we will never be going back to Ikea together again. 

It looks like I will sit this next cycle out and then call with my December period. Then it's the same protocol as before but I've insisted on the Prednisone this time around. It worked when we got lucky with that last fresh IVF.  My doc is on board. 

Now I'm just going to try to enjoy the holidays for a few weeks before we start this up again.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

I will keep you from the suspense - I tested. It was negative. I am talking stark white, not a hint of a prayer negative.  I tested last night at 9 days past transfer and then again this morning for good measure at 10 days past so I think it would take an absolute miracle for beta to be positive on Monday.

With each day that passed, I could feel myself become more and more hopeful. I just knew this one had worked. Yes, I was crampy which was a a bad sign for me in general but I am thirsty like a mad woman. This symptom was definitely present when I was successful last time so surely it meant I was pregnant.  Ahhh - that's the body I remember. The one who tricks me at every turn and who fails to do what is just plain natural.  I should have known.   

This sucks!  I had a cry with E, a glass of wine and a bath. It helped a little.  I cried a little for this cycle, a little for our uncertain future but mostly because that negative test opened the floodgates of feelings past.  How the heartache just came rushing all back in.  I had to keep looking at the baby monitor to remind myself that I am a mommy already.  I am so lucky to have a beautiful son who is so happy, he sleeps, he eats and he is the light of my world.  We are so blessed, but this still hurts too. 

After the initial sadness, E and I talked about the future.  The fact of the matter is - we started this early because we knew this outcome was a possibility.  We purposely did not want to start trying for another when our son was 2 only to figure out that none of our frozens worked.  I also pointed out to E that we were in no way, shape or form prepared to be a family of 5 so that necessarily had to mean that some of those embryos wouldn't work (or we'd have to make the tough decision to donate remaining frozens).  We have always talked about giving each of these frozens a fighting chance. But why did the first one have to be a negative?

I took my PIO shot last night just in case, but will likely skip one or 2 nights leading up to Monday's beta just because my butt hurts.  So we will take a break for the holidays and likely do another transfer in January I hope. 

I am trying to look at the bright side here and have made a quick list so I keep things in perspective:

- I get to enjoy some holiday cocktails. Woohoo! Last year I was very pregnant so this year - bring on the champagne and egg nog people. 

- My body gets a little more time to heal from the c-section.  I haven't discussed anything with my OB yet, but there's a possibility (at least in theory) of trying a VBAC.  The more time that passes in between pregnancies, the better your candidacy becomes for a VBAC.

- More time to focus on our son this Christmas season. We won't be preoccupied with betas, ultrasounds, or NT scans. We can just focus on making our first Christmas as a family of three the best Christmas we've had yet.

- More time to replenish my leave for work. It was severely depleted when I took 3 months off for maternity leave at the beginning of this year, so a few more months to build it up is a good thing.

- I am going to loose those last 8 lbs before I get pregnant again. Yeah, yeah I know the holidays are the worst time to try to diet, but it's got to get done. I know I can loose these, I just have to be very strict with working out and my food intake.  I will try to go back to gluten free/dairy free which really worked before. Plus, I think it will be a good thing to prepare my body for another pregnancy.

- More spacing in between kids. Let's face it - having 2 little ones only 18 months apart would be a challenge - one we were certainly up for, but a challenge indeed.  Now if next cycle works, of course they'll be close but perhaps 2 years apart in school instead of just 1.    

- The possibility of a family of 4 instead of a family of 5.  While 4 would be insane, 5 would be outrageous and E gets visibly upset when I talked about that possibility.  Ideally, we'd like 2 - maybe 3, but if push came to shove 4 would be OK with me I think. 

And because I'm a crazy infertile mommy I had to do some math just to keep my hopes up for this season and next cycle.  With the likelihood of each FET having a 50% success rate and us having had 4 frozen embryos (now we're down to 3), the math looks something like this:

With 4 - the probability of at least 1 embryo working is 94% and the probability that none will work is the inverse at 6%.

With 3 remaining, we still have very good odds - the probability of at least 1 embryo working is 87% and the probability that non will work is about 13%. 

So we may have to endure some more negatives, but there's hope there....somewhere.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Mind Games

AHHHHKK. I told myself I wouldn't do this, but it can't be helped. I'm reading too much into symptoms and it's driving me insane. Beta is still a week away, but E and I were talking about the possibility of testing Friday. And even Friday seems like a lifetime away.

I've had some mild cramping here and there which of course I take as a bad sign because on our successful cycle, I felt absolutely nothing. And then on Sunday, I felt a bit lightheaded after I took the dog for a walk. Not like I was going to faint or anything, but I felt the way you feel when your blood sugar is low.  That was a familiar feeling during the first trimester for me as I recall.  So then I spent the entire day Sunday convinced I was pregnant, until I felt the mild cramping again and now I'm back to being convinced I'm not.

It's just too hard not to analyze every little feeling during this stressful 2 weeks.

POI shots continue to be a PIA but I forge on.  Doing my best to keep myself occupied with some Christmas shopping but it's not quite doing the trick.  Oh the familiar time when days seemed like months, even years.  Still, the wait is not the same. I am not waiting to become a mother so the pressure is off which is the only thing that makes this wait tolerable.

Friday, November 1, 2013

What Was I Thinking?

**Notice** this post is about juggling the mommy thing so if you're still on your journey to mommyhood, it might not be the most fun to read.

So this full-time mom and full-time employee thing is soooooooooooooooooper hard.  Wow and we want to add another one to the mix. Good lord, today - I think we could have been absolutely out of our minds for doing an FET so soon. 

The little one is sick - like he vomited all over his car seat on the way into work today at 7:15am this morning. That combined with a low grade fever and a few diarrheas - and I'm home today with the babe.  There's no way he'd get enough rest at day care. He's practically been sleeping all day.

E and I both have demanding jobs. His a bit more so than mine, but yesterday I got a snotty comment from my boss about taking leave so I felt extra bad about teleworking today. Thankfully, the boss seemed OK with it today and I will chock the comment up to being in a bad mood, but it's still difficult.  I know when I'm out, my team has to pick up the slack. And I'm very lucky to be able to telework.  My mom is visiting this week so she can do the baby stuff - I'm here for back up. I didn't want to leave him with Grammy when he wasn't feeling 100%.  Plus, I wanted to squeeze in a quick a quick trip to the doc.   It's just tough to juggle it all. To decide who has to stay home and who goes to work.

In FET news, I've had mild cramping off and on which I'm trying to ignore because I know it doesn't indicate anything exactly.  It's difficult though because for the fresh cycle which worked - I felt absolutely nothing; in fact I felt great so anything different has got me feeling pessimistic for this cycle.  We'll see in about a week.