Thursday, June 25, 2015

Impending Sense of Doom

**Warning, this post might seem totally bat-sh*t crazy to any reader still TTC.  Please skip it if you're not in a place to hear a tiny bit of irrational.**

I have the crazies from time to time. Like, "life is good...and something really really bad is about to happen any second now."  I can't read the news without bursting into tears. Reading about all the terrible parents out there lands me in a sopping mess. Leaving your kid in a hot car to die while you're passed out drunk somewhere?!?! Yeah that happened. I read about bricks falling off a building in NYC and them falling on a 3 year old - killing her. Will that happen to us?  Her poor parents never thought in a million years this might happen to their daughter. 

I used to feel this way a little when I was pregnant with C but I think now that I'm on the verge of getting everything I ever really wanted in life, the impending sense of doom is really creeping in more and more. I'm convinced something totally terrible is about to happen to C - will someone snatch him? When I kiss him good-by at day care, I sometimes wonder if it will be the last time I ever see him.  Will he get hit by a car? Come down with some incurable illness? Same goes for E as well as baby girl.  Am I just a few seconds away from falling down a flight of stairs and loosing my pregnancy?!?! This is insane, yet it's what I think about. 

It leads me to remember that the mundane days are the good days... these are the days we long for.  When everything is not exciting.  Part of me knows just how crappy life can get. I should be happy for the good days. And I am. I just get nervous because I know that even though I'm on the verge of tackling the biggest hill I've ever encountered in my lifetime, there are likely bigger and tougher ones ahead. And I have no idea what they might look way to prepare.  Last year we dealt with infertility and E's job loss. This year has brought much happiness thus far, but what will next year bring?

But today is a happy day, heck even a happy hour. Infertility smacks you in the face with the realization that you're not in control.  Wondering what other things in life will teach me that lesson scares me to death.  It's likely I need some professional help again if I can't get these feelings in check.  Let's just say that infertility has robbed me of the innocent joy and happiness I once thought life was all about.

Sorry for the gloomy post. Just had to get it off my chest.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Sucking Wind and the Karate Kid

This little girlie has one heck of a kick. If she gets me in the right spot, I yelp....audibly! It's happened twice so far and the second time I thought E was going to have to pull the car over, he was so worried. It was just so shockingly strong that it took me by surprise.  I plan to ask the OB about that on Friday...perhaps I have a scar there or something which makes it extra sensitive. Who knows...just pretty funny and perhaps a little scary too.

I'm also having a really hard time with any physcial exertion... like walking 2 blocks to day care. Going up the basement stairs any more than twice in a 10 min span. I don't remember feeling this until I was almost 38 weeks with C. I'm only on the verge of 24! I seem to struggle through the day and truthfully, I get the most rest with my feet up while I'm at work.

I've been trying to take it easy as much as possible but then I look at the scale and freak. I'm 4lbs heavier than I was with C at this point. This does not bode well for the glucose test on Friday. I'm pretty nervous about that.

I think the summer heat has also sucked the pregnancy glow from my face. I'm tired and excited to meet this little one. October seems really far away.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

What's Been Going On

Just going to jot some things down today - sorry for no narrative:

- Baby girl moves a lot which I love. Still little kicks here and there...I'm waiting for the big ones that C used to give me.

- I can't believe we're almost at 23 weeks!

- Had a few scares...vaginal pressure one day, out of breath the next. Up until 20 weeks, I'd say these pregnancies were very similar, but not any more.  I can barely walk 3 blocks and I'm winded and need to sit. Carrying laundry up from the basement...oh gosh now. I almost pass out. Plan is to ask OB about all this at next Friday's appointment.

- Had to have my heart checked out the other day via echo. I don't have the results back from the doc but the thought of heading to another appointment is really not my cup of tea. I may call to see if cardiologist will give me results over the phone.

- E is healing from surgery on the road to recovery with PT thank goodness.

- Renovations begin on the attic for C's new big boy room on Monday. YIKES!  There's lots to do to get him settled and turn our beautiful boy nursery into a fitting place for our little gal.

- Names: I've changed my mind 100 times between 2 names for baby.

- When E is in NYC for work, it's really tough to be a single parent.

- C is an amazing kiddo. The imaginative play is what really gets me. So much going on in that head of his.

- I'm tired....but loving every minute of exhaustion and uncomfortableness.

- Trying not to "keep up with the Jones'" is tough, isn't it? I am reminded every morning as I feel my gal kick, that we have everything we ever really wanted in life. 

Monday, June 1, 2015

A Mover and a Shaker

I've reached the 21 week mark and aside from fatigue of caring for a toddler while pregnant, I feel pretty good. I'm still sleeping well, but mostly on my side. Sleeping on my back is uncomfortable and I almost get that "can't breathe" feeling when I do. I am sure it's nature's way of telling me to roll over so I sleep on the appropriate side for baby girl to get her blood flow. 

E is finally out of his sling and starting physical therapy for his arm. Thank goodness. He's able to lift C up to a certain extent which has been helpful because I'm not supposed to be doing it but the kid's got to get into his high chair and crib somehow. He can already climb into his car seat on his own which is good. 

We haven't used the doppler in awhile mainly because I can feel this baby girl regularly now. It's amazing! I know this is my last pregnancy so I'm trying to take in all the happy moments I can. E felt her move in my belly over the weekend which was wonderful for him. I know he feels somewhat disconnected from the baby until he can start to feel her. Pretty soon those kicks are going to get stronger.  If she's anything like her big brother, we're in for some BIG kicking action soon.

My next check up is on the 19th where I'll do my glucose check. I passed last time so I'm hoping we have no issues again. 

And the hand-me-downs have begun to roll in from my sister and cousin. This little gal is going to be set for life when it comes to clothing. I will likely purchase one or 2 special items but otherwise we're set. Next up is to get started on C's big boy room and then make way for an updated nursery.