**Warning, this post might seem totally bat-sh*t crazy to any reader still TTC. Please skip it if you're not in a place to hear a tiny bit of irrational.**
I have the crazies from time to time. Like, "life is good...and something really really bad is about to happen any second now." I can't read the news without bursting into tears. Reading about all the terrible parents out there lands me in a sopping mess. Leaving your kid in a hot car to die while you're passed out drunk somewhere?!?! Yeah that happened. I read about bricks falling off a building in NYC and them falling on a 3 year old - killing her. Will that happen to us? Her poor parents never thought in a million years this might happen to their daughter.
I used to feel this way a little when I was pregnant with C but I think now that I'm on the verge of getting everything I ever really wanted in life, the impending sense of doom is really creeping in more and more. I'm convinced something totally terrible is about to happen to C - will someone snatch him? When I kiss him good-by at day care, I sometimes wonder if it will be the last time I ever see him. Will he get hit by a car? Come down with some incurable illness? Same goes for E as well as baby girl. Am I just a few seconds away from falling down a flight of stairs and loosing my pregnancy?!?! This is insane, yet it's what I think about.
It leads me to remember that the mundane days are the good days... these are the days we long for. When everything is not exciting. Part of me knows just how crappy life can get. I should be happy for the good days. And I am. I just get nervous because I know that even though I'm on the verge of tackling the biggest hill I've ever encountered in my lifetime, there are likely bigger and tougher ones ahead. And I have no idea what they might look like...no way to prepare. Last year we dealt with infertility and E's job loss. This year has brought much happiness thus far, but what will next year bring?
But today is a happy day, heck even a happy hour. Infertility smacks you in the face with the realization that you're not in control. Wondering what other things in life will teach me that lesson scares me to death. It's likely I need some professional help again if I can't get these feelings in check. Let's just say that infertility has robbed me of the innocent joy and happiness I once thought life was all about.
Sorry for the gloomy post. Just had to get it off my chest.