Monday, September 17, 2012

Like a Ton of Bricks

E and I had a very busy weekend - cable guy, plumber, yard work, house chores etc. but we managed to sneak in a nice dinner with family on Friday night and then another with some close friends of ours on Saturday.  Friday night at dinner, I accidentally referred to the baby by the name we're considering as our first choice!  I had to do some back peddling but I'm not sure it worked.  We wanted the name to be a surprise when he arrived, but E and I have been referring him so much by name lately, that I just slipped. When we see the fam again, our plan is to refer to him by another plausible name in the hopes that they'll believe my story about trying out different names each week.

Anyway, Saturday night was a little more interesting.  My friends have an 18 month old and I suspected they might be pregnant again - especially since my friend still hasn't made any mention of letting me borrow her maternity clothes.  Well, suspicions were confirmed and she's due about 2 months after me.  Of course I'm happy for them, but it was still very hard to hear.  Then she begins to explain they've had a bit of a rocky road the last month. Apparently her NT scan came back with a nuchal fold measurement way off the charts. Her blood work came back fine but the measurement was way over 3 and the doctors said there could be a chromosomal abnormality.  They went through hell in between the CVS test and results for about 2 weeks, but everything checked out OK and it seems that baby is doing fine despite that first measurement. In fact, the measurement has gone down since their 12 week US.

I could see tears in my friends eyes as she explained to me the pain they've endured.  They got pregnant quickly with their first and they weren't really trying to get pregnant with this one (but not preventing either).  I feel absolutely terrible for her because I know exactly what it's like when life or death hangs on the phone call of a doctor and your potential child's future hangs in the balance.

Now, this is the same friend who said the wrong things to me (not out of malice) with regards to infertility on occasion.  I love this couple dearly and have known both of them for 10 years - and never in my life would I wish what I've gone through on my worst enemy, but as we were talking - it made me realize that they got a little glimpse into the world that E and I have been enduring for 3 years.  I wasn't happy they got this glimpse at all, but it made me feel closer to them.  My friend relayed her renewed gratitude for her first child as well as their ability to get pregnant rather easily.  This, I was happy to hear.

As we headed home that evening, I confessed to E that I was jealous of them and the announcement was difficult to hear. As I approach 23 weeks, I certainly didn't expect to feel jealous, especially considering it wasn't a smooth road to her 15 week mark. But I was - I was definitely jealous because I would have endured their tough 2 weeks over and over again if it meant I could get pregnant easily and watch my child grow.  I realized there's a room full of my fellow RESOLVE friends who would have traded places with them 100 times over.  It was a strange feeling and I hate that I feel jealous but I do.

I recovered from Saturday night only to be greeted by some neighbor friends of ours who came over for a quick visit and announced they're expecting their second in March as well.   When it rains it pours!  Thank goodness for therapy.  

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Fat or Pregnant?

It's funny these days to see people looking at me unsure of whether congratulations or a weight watchers endorsement is warranted.  Either way, I think it's fun and am totally enjoying myself these days.

Despite the change in sleep patterns, heat rash, indigestion etc - this is the most wonderful time in my life.  I can't believe regular pregnant women complain about these things.  I'm loving it and I think my happiness is evident to every one around me. In fact, I know it is because I've had so many friends and family members tell me they can truly notice just how happy I am.

I am eagerly awaiting that 24 week mark and our next appointment with the doctor. So far, all is well and I'm actually picking out dates for a baby shower. This is insane to me, and each morning I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.  After so many years of sadness, I had forgotten what it's like to truly feel happy.

E has been wonderful putting up with my insane nesting.  Yes, my urge to create the perfect nursery has kept me up at night - ordering fabric swatches, scouring the Internet for the perfect rug.  All to make the nursery perfect, no too "baby" but just the right amount of calm, little boy, love and style that I can dream up.