2015 Had Better Be Better Than 2014

I know I am blessed in so many ways but seriously, 2014 was a doozy of a year. We managed 4 FETs, a fresh IVF, surgery and then E's job loss of course.  It was a lot to handle in one year that's for sure.

But E found a new job, C continues to thrive and be the most chatty almost-2-year-old we know. The "ready, set, go" run down the hallway into my arms is the best medicine in the world.  Sharing new experiences with him, trips to California, attending family events, growing as a mother and as a wife - just not growing in number as a family.  It hurts...a little bit... almost all the time.  There were happy days in 2014 I know, but somehow the shadow of infertility still lingers over them.  I try as hard as I can not to let it but in truth, it's there.

Sixteen months after embarking on journey for baby #2 and I'm still as lost and confused as ever. When I thought back to last year and my hopes for this one, at the very least, I knew we'd have a plan by now. But that's not the case really. I still don't know which direction we're really headed except that time just keeps marching forward and so must I.

We're going forward with our last PGS tested embryo.  My RE has little hope for this to work with the measly 30% rate he gave us.  This tells me that he has sort of given up on me, us, our family. He's not really that encouraging anymore. It's scary but another fresh cycle is on the table and I'm not sure we should stay at our current clinic. If they don't believe in us anymore, should we believe in them? Now my RE hasn't come right out and said all this, but I'm reading in between the lines. I'm a good reader.

So right now we've officially begun the home study process. Our first meeting went well but I could tell E was nervous. It's a daunting path just like IVF was. But we did it - multiple times and I know we can do this as well.  So we're working on paperwork, fingerprints and getting our ducks in a row. Surprisingly our update is going to take longer than the home study did. There's a training we have to attend in person and we'll be out of town for the next session. So we have to wait till April to take it.  I know April will be here before we know it.

I'm also planning in other ways for this failed FET.  We are consulting with CCRM when we visit my sister next month. The appointment is scheduled about 2 weeks after beta is in so that's good timing. Mostly I want to pick their brains. Cycling there would be too expensive and logistically very difficult for us. I don't think we'd have any money left over for adoption if our CCRM cycle failed.  And then I'm consulting with SIRM again this month. If we do another fresh, I'm seriously considering switching to them. They take our insurance and while out of town cycling would be difficult, it wouldn't be impossible to get there.

So there you have it - 4 paths all at once. Can you keep them straight? I barely can.