Freak Out #1,067

I can't seem to escape my head or my body for that matter.  I have done this before...carried a healthy baby to full term. Well, past full term in fact. C was 9 days late.  I know my body can do this. I simply can't trust it just yet. It feels like we've started all over. I want so badly to trust this body is carrying a perfect little embryo who we will meet sometime in October but it's just not happening yet.

Today is 7 weeks 4 days. I am continuing to count the hours and minutes that go by without any more red bleeding. I've had brown spotting come and go over the past week. Still a bit freaky but nothing compared to last week's bleed. I have nothing in between those scans to reassure me that everything is fine. I have no additional symptoms beyond thirst.  I guess I can hold onto that.  Breasts feel fine and I keep wondering if/when they'll start to get bigger or more tender. I tried to remember back to my pregnancy with C and I feel like they were a bit more noticeably by now.  UGH, we're not supposed to compare pregnancies right? They're all different.  Except this one is the same and totally different all at once.

Last night on the way home from work, I started to feel something funny down there. As we drove, I tried to ignore it but by the time we arrived home it was too noticeable to ignore. I was having some cramps...down there.  They weren't period cramps per se...they felt a bit more like pulling, stretchy, groin cramps.  Well they were enough for me to absolutely freak out. In the pit of my stomach, I knew things were ending. I prayed and hoped with all my might over that next hour...and then they stopped. No bleeding or spotting accompanied those cramps. Sweet relief.  

Of course there's always a good explanation for cramping but my head always, always goes to the bad news. To that I'm scared is a true understatement. The bleeding really has me on edge so any other little thing that happens immediately makes me feel like we're headed for the worst. I try to take a few moments each day to exhale but it's difficult.

Besides the death of our son or daughter, the thing that has me even more scared is going through more IVF.  Isn't that strange? You'd think by now I wouldn't be scared of IVF anymore, but the thought of never ever having to do another treatment had me on cloud 9 when we got those great beta results.  To finally close this ugly, painful, expensive, heart-wrenching chapter in our lives would be nothing short of incredible.  With the bleed, I was tossed back down to the ground of reality. 

Still 5 more days till our next scan. Slugging through one hour at a time.