Wednesday, April 16, 2014

How Come I Can't Be Happy With 1?

I am so irritating.  Why am I dragging my family through more treatments, and spending more money?  E is supportive but it doesn't feel like he's as enthusiastic for another like I am.  Don't get me wrong, he wants another - but he's maybe not as gung-ho on being put through the ringer again like I am.  Frankly, I feel like some days I must have a death wish.

I know why I do it - C is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.  Being a mommy is the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life. I am so full of joy and happiness when I looking into that little boy's face and even the tough days feel incredible to me.  I know how lucky I am each day.  We are good parents (so far) and having a second child would make are hearts and home twice as full.

I will be content if we are only meant to have one but I have some fight left in me still and I'm not yet 33. I have some time to work this out...we changed insurance and have money saved for this.  We're going to give it a few more months of treatment before we throw in the towel.

According the my RE we've got about a 33% chance of this last frozen working. If you asked an embryologist though, they'd estimate more like 50-60%, but my RE knows my stats for implantation failure.  Well 1 in 3 isn't nothing. It's a shot and we're going to go for it.  A fresh is most likely in our near and inevitable future. 

I could never predict this journey of ours - the ups, the downs, the twists and turns.  I laugh when E started to have anxiety about the possibility of 5 children. Boy, we were cocky weren't we?!?!?

The truth is, I am happy with one. Incredibly, over-the-moon, the bestest feeling on the planet to be the mommy of one.  I want another and it sucks to have found the magic potion only to find out it's only single use.

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