Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Piling it on

Do you ever have those minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years that the crap just keeps on coming??!?! I know you do, not just those of us who are infertile, but the regular every day get-pregnant-in-the-back-of-the-van kinda girls do too. But when you're an infertile first time around or second and you're living through your own personal hell and then all of a sudden there's a #$%& storm that just mowed through your life, IT'S A LOT TO TAKE!

The tears have started to come randomly throughout the day. Mostly when I'm alone and it's quiet.  This morning I had a moment where I was blow drying my hair for work and I was in the early stages of a breakdown when C toddled in and cheered me up. I thank God for every moment that little boy is in my life. He saved me this morning that's for sure.

The multiple failed cycles is just the tip of the iceberg of course. There's the fact that E has been laid off weighing on me...there's pacifier-gate which is likely somewhat bad timing on our end but there's never a good time it seems...there's health issues on Eric's side of the family which are stressful in and of themselves - but we're going to have to step up and do more because my in-laws are getting too old to help out.  What else, oh and C is transitioning to the toddler room at daycare and the center director made a dramatic plea (on behalf of C she said) to let us give the paci back. OMG - this lady has lost her mind, but I'm feeling like a terrible mother.  Hmmm and this morning, I read this and I fell deeper into the hole of despair. And it's been pouring rain for the last 24 hours here as if I needed another reminder of the doom and gloom surrounding me.

Crap - it's just a lot all at once. I am so sad for our failed cycles. I'm so anxious about what the future holds for our family and E's next job -not knowing when the next opportunity will come or what it will look like. I'm terrified of the health issues going on with E's sister and hoping our family has enough energy to step up because we're needed and it's what you do for family.  Pacifier-gate aka. taking away the paci cold turkey has been going really well at home and I'm so proud of C.  Now if his new teachers will stop trying to get me to give it back to him, we'd be doing great. UGH I'm ready to strangle the center director at C's daycare. His current teachers have assured me he'll be fine. They know him best so I'm inclined to go with their assessments but still.  And I'm gutted by the news of a fellow blogger who was such inspiration on the same journey as I for another baby.  This unhappy ending is terrible for their family and I know there are no words to make it better.

See it's just A LOT sometimes.

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