For all the difficult days, and trust me I know there are harder ones ahead, my son's smiling face creates this fuzzy outline I can only describe as JOY around those days. They just aren't that bad when I get to see what happens next in my little boy's life. I knew I'd love being a mother, but I honestly did not expect to feel like this.
This weekend was a tough one and an amazing one all at the same time. C was sick - 2 pukes on Saturday meant crying, carpet cleaning, laundry, naps, movies, more carpet cleaning, and more laundry. The simple words, "Mommy up" made that vomit smell almost melt away from the carpet - almost I said.
I am certain many parents feel this way about their children, but part of the awe and wonder I feel when I am with C is that he is able to tell me almost everything he's thinking. At almost 2, he speaks so well, sentences really. The observations that come out of his mouth just astound me. "Big dragon, mommy...like an airplane" he said as we watched a movie and snuggled together on the couch.
Then, there's the dancing of course which instantly invokes a smile on everyone's face. The impromptu dancing...when no music is playing...just the running, wiggling, smiling little toddler having the best time of this life in our humble living room.
For all the heartache infertility has caused, having a son in our lives now is nothing short of incredible. These days are dark for us still and infertility weighs on us a lot as we're trying for another baby, but the happy days are so much happier and joyous than they used to be.
I am really not sure how this is all going to play out. I was certain we'd be able to conceive again through IVF but the past year has thrown me back into a place of extreme doubt. Adoption is still something that's on the table and as we get closer to another FET, I keep wondering if perhaps we need to take another path.