It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Or it's supposed to be, right? Anyone ever feel like the holidays sorta suck because they just highlight the fact that you might not be feeling all warm and Christmas-y like how the world tells you you're supposed to be feeling?  Well I do, this year anyway. And it stirs up all the previous Christmases where we were trying and really at rock bottom.  I remind myself we have C and I can experience all the joy and wonder he does at this time of year. But still, my heart is heavy. Someone is missing from my life. I can feel it deep down, where it counts. 

So now I sit here and mourn the stellar Christmas I  thought we were going to have.  The joy I'd feel as I poured my cocktail down the bathroom sink at family gatherings so no one would know I wasn't drinking.  Having a third beta today and being really truly with-all-my-heart happy when my sister went into labor this morning. The "big brother" birthday gift I wanted to get C for his 2nd birthday.

Instead, I'm waiting for my period to come. Waiting for beta to drop to zero.  Pouring wine to help forget.  Cringing as I hear the excitement in my mother's voice as she boarded the plane to join my sister.  Researching adoption agencies again.  Scheduling eighth opinions.  Wondering what treatment to do next.   

My RE called Wednesday after I got the news from my nurse that beta had dropped to 16.  I knew it was coming. I've gotten pretty good at recovering from failed cycles. I have to repeat on Monday just to be sure we're at zero. We talked about the reasons this didn't work - he's sure there's something embryonic going on that we just can't see or test for. Of course he brought up the obligatory risk of damage from biopsy point but nothing we can do about that now. He said he's quite comfortable transferring our last remaining PGS normal embryo but gave us about a 33% chance at success.  Oh boy, that's bad when most docs will give you about a 70% chance with a PGS normal embryo....I have very little hope for an FET. 

He said that given the cost benefit of a fresh, he'd like to see us use that last frozen and then reevaluate. I sorta think that means, "Honey, don't waste your money on another fresh cycle. It would be a Hail Mary anyway."  He said he would count this chemical same as a BFN - doesn't make a difference that it "sorta" implanted. He said if this last PGS failed we'd have to take a hard look at what another fresh would mean - PGS testing? Surrogate? Or close the IVF chapter?

We talked fresh cycle for a bit: I explained no we wouldn't do PGS again because it wouldn't be worth the money or the risk to the embryo if we know we're a getting a high percentage of normals on paper. He said he would agree with that logic as long as we're comfortable with him not knowing the reason for a subsequent failed cycle. UMM of course I am -- he doesn't know the reason for the failure even WITH the PGS-tested embryos. I just told him we'd be going in eyes wide open of course.

He said he'd be comfortable transferring 2 untested embryos in a subsequent cycle.  Good news was that because I've previously carried to term, I'd be less likely to go into early labor with twins so that was good to hear. He did compliment our decision making and logic...as he said many people might not be so logical after so many failed transfers. I think he also thought I might yell, scream or cry on the phone - I did none of those though I'd be well within my rights to.

I feel he'd be honest about our chances for conceiving via another fresh IVF and would tell us if he thought we should close this chapter of our lives at any point.  Yeah, he didn't go all the way there on Wednesday but I have a feeling we're close to the end game where they just can't help me anymore.

I think I'd only consider a surrogate if my sister offered or my friend who offered previously was able to. My friend would not be ready for another year or so I think. My sister has never offered but we've never asked. It would be a big deal to ask her to do this for us.

But I think truly our hearts lie with adoption vs. surrogacy. And I've got appointments on the books to get the ball rolling on our home study reevaluation.  

My head says that we should do the FET first and possibly one more fresh and then walk away forever knowing we tried everything we could. I do think it's an embryonic issue and it might be a matter of finding the right egg again.

I go back and forth hourly on what we should do.  I think E is leaning toward doing an FET as well but we have a few more days to decide. AF hasn't showed up yet, so I'll just wait longer.