I had no idea just how miserable and unhappy I've been this past year, or even the last 2 years until yesterday. I knew I wasn't myself of course, I had good days and bad days, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized I had been living a "new normal."
This weekend when I saw a glimmer of hope in the first BFP I ever witnessed, the cloud started to move away. I felt a little lighter, the scenery seemed a little prettier and even my terrible boss didn't seem so bad. I began to hope again.
Then as the events of yesterday unfolded, I felt the cloud creep back over. I hadn't even realized I had been living under this cloud until it was lifted off for a few brief moments. I suddenly thought to myself, "How on Earth will I get through this?" Then it dawned on me, "I'll survive...I've been doing it all along. Somehow putting one foot in front of the other." I'll just being going back to the old me, and leaving the fleeting new me behind.
The cloud hurts. It makes me skip things I wish I could attend. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me jealous, it makes me someone I know in my heart that I am not. I will be happy to get rid of it, but it's familiar and I suppose I have learned how to deal with it.
These thoughts led me to another, albeit, spiritual or new-age-y thought: I wonder if we only experience happiness if we've experienced pain? That we don't understand what it means to have happy feelings if we're happy all the time. The things I noticed during my brief respite from the pain were simple, insignificant things, but they were incredibly beautiful to me. I would like to return to the beautiful but I don't think I'll be coming back to that any time soon.
Now, as I am waiting for the results of my beta test, I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until my life is happy again. I know I have some control over this situation but it's hard to remember right now and all I want to do is sleep till it's over.