The Lightbulb

Last night while falling asleep on the couch about 9 pm, I came to the realization of why I just can't relax and trust that this will all work out in the end. Yes, it's still early a number of things could go wrong but truthfully, the odds are in our favor at this point but I just can't seem to accept it.  Miscarriage rate right now is somewhere in the 15-20% range I think - which means there's about an 80% chance that things will be just fine. Why oh why can't I hang on to that 80%. 

Well, it's because I have a severe distrust of my body in all things reproductive related. For the past 3 years, my body can continually let me down - month after month - treatment after treatment. It never seems to do what docs say it should do. I defied logic with my stage 4 endo diagnosis.  I have 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed NCIVFs, 1 failed stim IVF and 1 failed FET under my belt.  This is a lof of treatment for someone who's otherwise in perfect health and not even 31 yet. 

I just can't seem to trust that my body will do what it needs to in order to sustain the little life that's in there.  I'm so nervous that it will turn on me like it has done every time in the past.  I think that's why adoption is so attractive to me as well -- because it takes my body out of the equation entirely.  I don't have to rely on my uterus screwing things up like it usually does. 

As a close infertile friend would say, "Now is not the time to be talking bad about your uterus" so I'll quit now. Two more days to go and holding on for dear life.