Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My Body Is Playing Tricks On Me

We had simply the best news on Friday - we both cried during the ultrasound when the doc zoomed in and showed us the heartbeat. Seriously, one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my entire life and a moment E and I won't soon forget. 

Though it only took me 48 hours to then start feeling anxious again, as if this has all gone wrong.  In my head, I know that the miscarriage rate drops to somewhere like 5% once a heartbeat is why oh why can't I concentrate on the 95% "everything is going to be just fine" rate?  What is wrong with me? 

I spent the long weekend going from feelings of severe anxiety to feelings of sheer happiness. E and I looked at baby names, I read some pregnancy books I had ordered last week but refused to look at until we saw the heartbeat and tried to stay positive. 

All was going pretty well until I woke up on Sunday morning to find my breasts were no longer sore - still swollen and spilling out of my bra, but no achy feeling.  Panic, immediate panic and Dr. Googling ensued for the day.  I read post after post about this being normal but still it didn't put my mind at ease because there were other posts about women who thought everything was going fine and then found out they had a missed miscarriage upon their next ultrasound.  Ahhhackkk! This was for sure happening to me, right - even though missed miscarriages are pretty rare?!?!? I was convinced for awhile and have been working to put this out of my mind.  I had originally made my next appointment for next Friday but decided I couldn't wait that long and moved things up to next Tuesday where I'll be exactly 8 weeks and if all goes well, graduate from the RE's office.

In preparation for good news, I've been forced to start researching OBs.  The RE who did my ultrasound last Friday asked who my OB was.  I don't particularly like the doc I see once a year for my routine stuff so I'll have to find someone else.  The RE then asked, "Where do you want to deliver?" HUH?! I've been infertile for coming up on 3 years. I haven't thought much past today, let alone the actual delivery! I laughed and said, "Gosh, no idea - I guess (insert the 2 hospitals closest to our house)."  I guess these are things people think about when they haven't spent the last 3 years trying to conceive and don't have severe anxiety that they're going to loose their baby.

Working on being in the moment - which is tough because except for swollen breasts and being extremely thirtsy, oh yeah - and the constipation - I feel totally fine.  Not that I'm begging for morning sickness, I'd prefer a more scientific (and less icky) confirmation that all is well in there but, alas, I have nothing to do but wait for Tuesday to come around.

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