Thursday, December 4, 2014


Here I sit...on the verge of another test. I honestly haven't had nearly the desire to start testing as I've had before. I'm just so scared of having my hopes dashed yet again. I'm enjoying living in this fertility purgatory because it's at least better than living with the sadness of a failed cycle.

I know the test day will come sooner or later.  And my only argument for testing before beta day is really to conserve meds for the next cycle. Plus, IM shots are starting to hurt and E is having a hard time find a fresh place to poke me.  I would gladly keep stabbing myself if I thought there was any hope of success. Unfortunately, I'm just not feeling it.

I said it out loud last night to E - just blurted it out:  "I don't feel at all."  He asked if I even would feel anything at this point and I said maybe, many people do.  I scoured my blog posts from early in my pregnancy with C and did the same with my fertilityfriend account to see if there were any indicators of symptoms I had recorded.  The only things I could find was the thirst - I've had that, but but I've  had it with negative cycles as well. I found one reference to "slightly sore breasts" but even say that I could be making it up in my head when I look at the entry.  But most of my entries refer to the fact that I don't have a single symptom, that I felt great and wouldn't even believe that I was in fact pregnant if not for the tests.  So there you have it folks, nothing means something...but of course you know nothing means nothing as well.


  1. You have quite the willpower not testing! I think I may not POAS with my next cycle and live in PUPO bliss for as long as possible as well! I found your board because I was looking at Referring Sites on my blog (just relax and it will happen) and your blog was listed! Our stories sound similar as we are trying for #2 and having a bumpy road as well (after a bumpy road for #1 too!). I wish you nothing but the best!

  2. You can never really tell, that's the only thing that is for sure. Continued prayers!

  3. I'm so nervous. God I hope this is it you deserve it(and I say that free of bull shit) xx