Monday, January 30, 2012


That's beta #1 at 14dp5dt.  It's a very good I have to go back on Wednesday to make sure it doubles.

I've never gotten this far before so why am I not jumping for joy?  I am a little happy I guess, but not as happy as I thought I'd be. I'm more scared and worried than ever though.  This rollercoaster has taught me that just when you let your guard down, put on a smile and let go of the safety bar - WHAM! It hits you with a drop you never could have expected.

I guess I am just wating to be disapointed and hurt again.  I certainly didn't think this cycle would work so maybe I'm just waiting to be proven right.  I have no feels so strange. This is everything I have been hoping for and yet I can't seem to be excited about it.  Our happy ending still has so many question marks to it and I feel sad that I think I'm bringing E down.  He's elated and I just wish I was too.

Here are just a few of the thoughts that are screaming through my head at any given second:

OMG and I ready to be a mom?
Will I be a good mom?
What if this is ectopic, I end up in the hospital and I lose a tube?
What if we get to 8 weeks and there's no hearbeat?
Can I finally start changing the office into a baby's room?
What if I'm too strict like my dad was?
What if my beta doesn't double, how will I pick myself back up?
I wonder if this will help/hurt my endo?
How soon will be try for number 2?

Yeah, I know - all sorts of weird weird stuff going around in my head. 

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