Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Uncharted Territory

I have no idea what to do these days. I am somewhere in between happiness, intense fear and anxiety.  Intense fear and anxiety are winning most times.  I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant with something today.  I say something because until they show me a heartbeat, I don't think I'll actually believe there's a baby growing inside me.  I am counting the hours until beta tomorrow. 

I had to ask another pregnant infertile friend of mine what happens next - because I have no idea.  I will go in tomorrow for beta #3 and if all looks good, I will go in next week sometime for my first US at 6 weeks. Then at 8 weeks I'll go in for another US and if everything looks OK, I'll graduate to the OB's office.  The thought of going to an OB is so absurd to me at this point in time that I can't even think about it.  I'm just trying to live one day at a time.

E and I did say that if things go well tomorrow, we'll let ourselves celebrate a little over the weekend with our pregnant infertile friends.  We have to celebrate the tiny milestones or else we'll go crazy. 

Each morning I wake up and feel absolutely normal is so reassuring to me. No spotting, no cramping so that makes me feel better. I know the absence of these 2 things at this point doesn't mean that we'll have a healthy pregnancy for the next 8 months, but it's the only glimmer of hope I have to hang on to in between appointments.  I have to keep reminding myself that these are a different batch of embryos and just because we suffered a lost last time does not mean we will this time.  It's why REs change people's protocols, meds, etc. 

I am having a hard time sleeping so taking a Benadryl 30 mins before bed has been helping. I don't want to admit to myself how badly I want this baby because I feel like as soon as I let my guard down - the world will come crashing in on me.

1 comment:

  1. Being pregnant after a loss is so hard. I think allowing yourself to celebrate, when you can and how you can, is incredibly healthy and a great idea. I find myself constantly being guilty of saying "As soon as we hear the heartbeat, I'll feel more comfortable... Well, as soon as we see the baby I'll feel better... As soon as we hit 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks..."

    I think the absolutely best thing you can do is take things one day at a time and find as much joy in that day as you can.

    Thinking of you.