And I'm terrified. Today's the day I had said I would tell my 2 college friends over dinner our big news. But I find myself going through a list of white lies about why I'm not drinking instead of wondering how I can reveal this news. What is wrong with me?
I think part of it is because E and I got in a huge fight last night and this morning again about couples therapy. I am not averse to going, it's just that they way E talks about the reasons I won't like this therapist make me not want to go even more. I'm not sure why he would tell me I wouldn't like her if he genuinely wanted me to go with him. It doesn't make very much sense. I know he's afraid I won't like what she'll have to say and frankly, the way E has relayed this information to me (not so diplomatically by the way) I don't feel like I'd like to spend 30 seconds with this woman, let alone 50 mins. But I'm tired of fighting about the same things over and over again and I want to move past these issues. That is something I can commit to.
I have control issues which I know I need to work on, but when your entire life seems to be out of control, I feel myself trying to control things maybe I shouldn't. I think there are issues E had before we met that he needs to work on and that I shouldn't be blamed for all of this which is likely my biggest concern. I also feel as if he's painted a picture of a monster to this woman...Also, we have some trust issues that need to be worked through.
There's another part of me that feels like I've been through SO much with infertility procedures that I should get a free pass. I know in my head that's not how it works, but physically, I'm drained - I'm pregnant and drained....I'm emotionally drained...
And now I'm supposed to go to dinner with friends and tell them this wonderful news and I'm so terribly sad. Monday's appointment was fine - I heard the little heartbeat on the doppler -- so I know there's a baby in there. But I've been having cramping and strange feelings in that area since last night which make me feel like something could be wrong. I wish I could take a magic pill that would make all of these feelings just disappear.