Emotionally Out of Control

I can't seem to get a handle on my feelings right now. Everything in my head is telling me that this cycle failed. But my heart is holding out a tiny bit of hope. And now, I confirmed what I had thought previously - I've managed to bring E down with me.  Last night, I told him I needed him to be optimistic for us both but I could tell he was straining to do so.

I want test day to get here but at the same time I don't. I'm not ready to face the reality that this didn't work. My hard work, the week-long recovery from my most painful egg retrieval yet, the drama of transfer day etc.  I feel even more lost and confused now than I did while we were trying to conceive the first time.  With no news yet on my remaining 2 embryos, I feel like we're floating in no man's land again and it's making me crazy.  IVF worked before for us, we have a PGS normal "perfect" embryo - THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK. Yet, I can't help feel my body telling me this didn't. 

I have more fight in me I suppose to keep trying, but what does that mean? Does it mean we research going to another clinic? using donor eggs? donor sperm? a surrogate? embryo adoption? traditional adoption?  We have 2 more cycles covered by insurance we can use only for my own eggs and E's sperm.  I'm guessing we'd try one last stimulated IVF, but I'm not so certain we'd stick with my clinic, unless there was some serious digging in to find the cause of these repeat implantation failures by my current RE.

If at least 1 embryo comes back normal from the PGS testing, then well, I'm at the norm. And if we can assume the "norm" for my other batch of embryos from C's cycle then out of 5 blasts, 2.5 were normal. We know C was a normal embryo and that leaves us with 1 or if you stretch it, 2 other normal FETs that did not work. In that case, something is up with my body and causing these failures. 

I am tired, I want to be happy. I look into C's eyes every morning and am in awe of what a miracle he is for us. His voice, his toes, his hair - I love that little boy to pieces.  With each cycle that fails, I'm mourning a loss but trying to pick myself up to remember what I have.