Here...and hanging on

These days my emotions go from full of hope and knowing that if IVF doesn't pan out for us, we've got excellent back up plans to complete and utter depression as I drown in adoption research and the knowledge that this new path could be just as long and arduous as IVF was. 

We've really started researching embryo adoption as an alternative as well so that's pretty overwhelming to navigate. The thing is, I keep thinking we've got an embryo issue going on which can't be detected via PGS testing. Probably my endo is really f-ing things up for my eggs. BUT, what if it's not my embryos - what if it's implantation issues? Then embryo adoption is really a dead end.

I hate that my doc doesn't know what's wrong with me! With a 30% chance that this FET will work, I'm not hopeful, but it's all I know I can do.  I am fully expecting I'll end up doing another fresh cycle but would I go to SIRM just for peace of mind? I think I've stumped my doctor and he doesn't know what's going on.

I have a consult set up with CCRM when we go to Denver in February but I think it's more just to get an opinion if we need to move clinics. If Dr. G's assessment is the same as my current RE's, there's no reason to move.  But if it's different, then well we have to make a choice. I think it would honestly be too much to travel to CCRM to cycle. They don't accept our insurance and the money, coupled with the travel - I just don't see how we'd make it work. We wouldn't have enough left at the end to adopt that's for sure...or at least for awhile.

Embryo adoption seems like a good choice because I am pretty sure we'd have enough left over to adopt in the traditional sense if the FET with the donor embryo didn't work out.

I have to say, that at this point if I could guess the future, it might be something like this:

Current FET - January 2015
Fresh cycle w/ new clinic or current - March/April 2015
Donor embryo - this is a wild card, but perhaps we'd be able to transfer by November 2015 if we found a match quickly.
Traditional Adoption - sign with an agency maybe by August 2015 depending on how things are going on the donor embryo front.

WOW, C will be 3 in 2016 .... the age gap is getting bigger, but I told myself I wouldn't stress until we're looking at a 4 year + gap.  This looks like a really daunting path, doesn't it?  

Which Way?

Going the only way I know how...forward.

New protocol is in.  FET is scheduled for Jan 22nd. 

30% chance this will work but it's all we've got. 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Or it's supposed to be, right? Anyone ever feel like the holidays sorta suck because they just highlight the fact that you might not be feeling all warm and Christmas-y like how the world tells you you're supposed to be feeling?  Well I do, this year anyway. And it stirs up all the previous Christmases where we were trying and really at rock bottom.  I remind myself we have C and I can experience all the joy and wonder he does at this time of year. But still, my heart is heavy. Someone is missing from my life. I can feel it deep down, where it counts. 

So now I sit here and mourn the stellar Christmas I  thought we were going to have.  The joy I'd feel as I poured my cocktail down the bathroom sink at family gatherings so no one would know I wasn't drinking.  Having a third beta today and being really truly with-all-my-heart happy when my sister went into labor this morning. The "big brother" birthday gift I wanted to get C for his 2nd birthday.

Instead, I'm waiting for my period to come. Waiting for beta to drop to zero.  Pouring wine to help forget.  Cringing as I hear the excitement in my mother's voice as she boarded the plane to join my sister.  Researching adoption agencies again.  Scheduling eighth opinions.  Wondering what treatment to do next.   

My RE called Wednesday after I got the news from my nurse that beta had dropped to 16.  I knew it was coming. I've gotten pretty good at recovering from failed cycles. I have to repeat on Monday just to be sure we're at zero. We talked about the reasons this didn't work - he's sure there's something embryonic going on that we just can't see or test for. Of course he brought up the obligatory risk of damage from biopsy point but nothing we can do about that now. He said he's quite comfortable transferring our last remaining PGS normal embryo but gave us about a 33% chance at success.  Oh boy, that's bad when most docs will give you about a 70% chance with a PGS normal embryo....I have very little hope for an FET. 

He said that given the cost benefit of a fresh, he'd like to see us use that last frozen and then reevaluate. I sorta think that means, "Honey, don't waste your money on another fresh cycle. It would be a Hail Mary anyway."  He said he would count this chemical same as a BFN - doesn't make a difference that it "sorta" implanted. He said if this last PGS failed we'd have to take a hard look at what another fresh would mean - PGS testing? Surrogate? Or close the IVF chapter?

We talked fresh cycle for a bit: I explained no we wouldn't do PGS again because it wouldn't be worth the money or the risk to the embryo if we know we're a getting a high percentage of normals on paper. He said he would agree with that logic as long as we're comfortable with him not knowing the reason for a subsequent failed cycle. UMM of course I am -- he doesn't know the reason for the failure even WITH the PGS-tested embryos. I just told him we'd be going in eyes wide open of course.

He said he'd be comfortable transferring 2 untested embryos in a subsequent cycle.  Good news was that because I've previously carried to term, I'd be less likely to go into early labor with twins so that was good to hear. He did compliment our decision making and logic...as he said many people might not be so logical after so many failed transfers. I think he also thought I might yell, scream or cry on the phone - I did none of those though I'd be well within my rights to.

I feel he'd be honest about our chances for conceiving via another fresh IVF and would tell us if he thought we should close this chapter of our lives at any point.  Yeah, he didn't go all the way there on Wednesday but I have a feeling we're close to the end game where they just can't help me anymore.

I think I'd only consider a surrogate if my sister offered or my friend who offered previously was able to. My friend would not be ready for another year or so I think. My sister has never offered but we've never asked. It would be a big deal to ask her to do this for us.

But I think truly our hearts lie with adoption vs. surrogacy. And I've got appointments on the books to get the ball rolling on our home study reevaluation.  

My head says that we should do the FET first and possibly one more fresh and then walk away forever knowing we tried everything we could. I do think it's an embryonic issue and it might be a matter of finding the right egg again.

I go back and forth hourly on what we should do.  I think E is leaning toward doing an FET as well but we have a few more days to decide. AF hasn't showed up yet, so I'll just wait longer.   

At a stand still

Repeat beta results should be delivered via phone call in a matter of hours.

We're at the same place we were exactly a year ago...trust me..I checked my posts. Heading into the holidays coming off of a failed FET. WOW, what a difference a year makes? Or does it?

We had 1 happy day

At this point, I suppose I should be grateful for that one happy day over the weekend. Sunday was crap though with that light test...and another one this morning confirmed the cruel reality. In a stroke of luck, my clinic let me come in today for beta. I'm sure there will be a number. I don't know if I'm hoping for it to be so low that I can discontinue meds and move on, or if I'm hoping for a freaking Christmas miracle. Of course, you know, I'm hoping for the latter. 

UPDATE: Beta came in at 26.9. Wow, lower than I thought. The nurse who called said it was a "low positive" and I told her about the decreasing lines on the HPT. She didn't seem so optimistic after that. I have to continue meds and go back Wednesday. This sucks. 

Pregnant-ish

So this morning's FRER was lighter than yesterday morning's. We feel deflated.

There's still a line...it's just not nearly as strong. Yesterday's was a good strong line - but still not as strong as they were for C.  Friends have said that if it was from a new batch of tests that could be the reason for the discrepancy but I think they're just trying to be supportive. I honestly don't know what to think. The reason the line is lighter could be for a lot of different things and I'm encouraged that there's a line still there but I just want reassurance here and beta day is soo far away.

When I had my chemical pregnancy I got a squinter the evening of 16dpo and still even had a "great" beta at 760 when we tested at 19dpo.  Then on 20dpo, I started bleeding even while on progesterone. Beta declined really fast.  I keep telling myself, this isn't that embryo. This is a new one...a PGS tested one where the miscarriage rate is much lower. Still, I think we've got a really late implanter and a slow grower...or worse, this will all end before it starts.  More pee sticks won't tell me what I really need to hear, but I don't see how I'll be able to hold off till Tuesday without testing some more.  I took a digital and it read "Pregnant 1-2 weeks" - today would be 4 weeks 2 days so if beta was good and strong the test should have read "Pregnant 2-3 weeks."

Today was a really tough day. E cried when I told him...and that was the worst part. Failing with PGS normals like this doesn't bode well for the future.

Holding my breath

I'll cut to the chase- we tested and its positive! Holy crap!

I tested yesterday morning and it was a bit of a squinter which made me so anxious. The FRER really looked negative at first but then i started to see something. E couldn't see it though. I took a wonfo too and it showed up faintly there as well. In the afternoon, the FRER looked slightly darker but still i thought at 9 days past, i should have a stronger line. 

This mornings line at 10dp was great! Not as strong yet as the control but definitely not a sqinter. So I'm going to be happy for today. Beta is not until Tuesday and only then will we really know whats going on but for now, im still PUPO.

Yesterday when i thought it was negative, i got so angry and was ready just to give up on IVF. E reminded me of our one frozen left and i just said i wasn't sure it would even work. But now, I'm encouraged to cycle on even if this doesn't turn out the way we hope. Seeing stark white 5 times in a row is very discouraging. 

Still no symptoms except thirsty all the time. And ill likely wait till tomorrow to test again. 

8dp5/6dt

Here I sit...on the verge of another test. I honestly haven't had nearly the desire to start testing as I've had before. I'm just so scared of having my hopes dashed yet again. I'm enjoying living in this fertility purgatory because it's at least better than living with the sadness of a failed cycle.

I know the test day will come sooner or later.  And my only argument for testing before beta day is really to conserve meds for the next cycle. Plus, IM shots are starting to hurt and E is having a hard time find a fresh place to poke me.  I would gladly keep stabbing myself if I thought there was any hope of success. Unfortunately, I'm just not feeling it.

I said it out loud last night to E - just blurted it out:  "I don't feel pregnant..like at all."  He asked if I even would feel anything at this point and I said maybe, many people do.  I scoured my blog posts from early in my pregnancy with C and did the same with my fertilityfriend account to see if there were any indicators of symptoms I had recorded.  The only things I could find was the thirst - I've had that, but but I've  had it with negative cycles as well. I found one reference to "slightly sore breasts" but even say that I could be making it up in my head when I look at the entry.  But most of my entries refer to the fact that I don't have a single symptom, that I felt great and wouldn't even believe that I was in fact pregnant if not for the tests.  So there you have it folks, nothing means something...but of course you know nothing means nothing as well.

5dp6dt - Taking a win for today!

So since I've made it through today without any cramping, I am just going to count it as a win if that's OK. I have no idea if it's really a good sign or a bad one but all previous cycles with cramping on or about this time have equaled a negative outcome. So I'm taking my wins where I can get them.

Oh and do I count that I'm really 10 dpo or 11 dpo since I had a day 6 embryo? I mean, does that even matter since it wasn't a blast until day 6?