Next appointments, looking forward and other misc. stuff

My head is all over the place these days much like the terrible title of this post.

I owe fellow blogger, Chon from Life Begins (https://lifeafterinfertility.wordpress.com/), a post regarding the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.  I think I haven't posted yet because I'm just so freaking pissed about her last cycle.  As in last EVER. I had hoped and prayed she'd have success on her last round and it just didn't happen.  The lack of fairness in this world in the baby-making department is just cruel sometimes.

I feel lucky. and guilty. and scared. and hopeful. lucky again. 

I feel lucky that I had 7 transfers and the 7th one worked. Yeah, that's a little F-ed up luck-wise, but it's true. I feel lucky. And guilty about the others who I wish were making their way along side me as well.

Monday is my next appointment and my confidence has waxed and waned over the last few days. On Sunday, we decided to try the doppler.  It took us sometime to remember the distinction between my heartbeat and baby's but we found it eventually. I had another freak out last night...and thankfully the doppler pulled through.  I think I'll be able to last until Monday's appointment.

E and I have discussed "the telling" and how we're going to do it. I'm not ready to shout from the rooftops yet. And it's not because I am not hopeful...because I'm starting to get there. It's because I'm not naive.  And I'm not ready to be over-the-top-crazy-excited like some people will expect me to be.

I think after Easter I'll be ready.

First OB Appointment

It went swimmingly! E and I continue to be amazed at this progress.

I had an appointment in the middle of the day. The usual urine and blood tests along with cultures were taken. My OB who did my C-section for C is just so incredibly warm. He gave us big hugs and said we'd come so far again. It's really nice to get a little credit where it's due, you know. We have been through 7 failed cycles and another surgery to boot. 

When we first got into the exam room, I asked the nurse if we'd get a sono and she said usually not since we'd had so many with our RE. But when I asked my OB, he said of course. Let's take a look. And we did...and baby was great. Measuring still 3 days behind at 10 weeks exactly but doc wasn't worried. At least we're consistent I thought.  Heartbeat was 140bpm which is exactly what C was at this appointment. A boy maybe?

I am not even concentrating on sex at this point. Crossing each healthy milestone is much, much more important. Of course, I think my clinic would release the results of the PGS testing to us at anytime now, but we're not asking. 

My next appointment will be on the 30th for the NT scan. I think after that, we'll tell the rest of our family. Mine already knows because of the bleeding scare. I just needed to tell my mom and sister.  I'm excited about the thought of telling the families. Each day is such a gift and while this is our second pregnancy, we feel like it's our first. Every appointment, every US and every little thing about this baby is just so amazing to us. We're not taking it for granted even one bit.

I did have to write our social worker and tell her the news of  the pregnancy today. We'd like to just put the home study on hold for now.  I haven't heard back yet so we'll see what she says. I'm not sure why I'm nervous about her reply...I sometimes wonder if they'll be mad at us. I doubt it but I'm a little irrational sometimes I know.

Still feeling totally myself. My boobs have gotten bigger, but I can still fit into most of my work pants. Jeans are another matter so I might have to disclose soon to my cousin so I can my maternity stuff back.

Otherwise, I wake up and truly feel so incredibly lucky. Because that's just it at this point...luck.

Finally starting to feel optimistic

Thursday I had another spotting episode. It was brown but I still freaked out. So, I called my OB and they were able to get us in that same day. We saw baby, heart beating away so beautifully and saw an arm or a leg move. It was heavenly. It was the quickest scan I've ever had but enough to reasure me that baby was still alive and growing.  My next appointment is still 2 days away but I'm feeling hopeful finally.

Hanging Out at 9 weeks 4 days

I guess I'm still pregnant. I am still considering myself PUPO at this point because I still can't wrap my head around a happy ending. It's a little sad, but I know I'll get there eventually. It will just take me some more time.

I am still feeling pretty normal other then being super tired in the evenings. I definitely don't need any more Benadryl to sleep these days. I think weaning from the steroids has also helped on that front.  Today was my last dose of those suckers.  Occasionally, I get a very slight bout of nausea mainly in the evenings but I feel like it might just be in my head.  Then there's my jeans which are a little tight but it could be all the carbs I've been eating.  Otherwise, nada. Feel like a completely normal infertile lady.

According to my schedule from my nurse, I am to continue my medication through Saturday evening. Of course, I'm afraid to stop the meds before my OB appointment. But that's a whole week away.  If I go by the schedule, I'll take my last del estrogen shot on Friday night and my last endometrin suppository and vaginal estrace Saturday night. I would love to stop those IM shots on Friday. It would be glorious, but I have enough meds to go a few more days on it so I might just do 2 more for good measure. 

And then there's the doppler sitting at home.  I ordered some more doppler goo because we were all out from my last pregnancy.  Should I try over the weekend? Or will it just drive me more nuts. Of course, if I was able to hear the heartbeat, all my worries would disappear and I'd feel so much better.  Perhaps I should just live in ignorant bliss for another week though.

Still here...still disbelieving

I so don't feel pregnant at all and it's scaring the living daylights out of me. 

With C...I didn't feel much. Maybe some changes here and there in my boobs. But I've got nada and it's worrisome.  I know my the sticky note that I printed by my desk that the miscarriage rate at this point is well under 10%.  I still can't help but think this isn't going to be our happy ending.

11 more sleeps till our next appointment. Gosh, I wish I could get a 9 week US but I'll just try to move up my OB appointment if I can. 

Will It Never End?

Some brown discharge again today when I put my insert in. I tried my best not to flip but it was no use. I haven't had any brown discharge for the last 4-5 days...and now it's back?!?! WTF.

Having an ultrasound every day would be the only thing that might be able to keep my sanity in check right now.

Two more weeks till my next check up. I'm going to call my OB's office in a week and see if anything has opened up sooner. 

The Most Beautiful Site

Yesterday's ultrasound gave us really great news! I finally breathed a sigh of relief as we left the clinic for, what I hope, is the very last time. 

We arrived on time and were escorted to the exam room just a few minutes after our appointment time. E and I were sweating bullets waiting for the doc who was a few mins late. I actually contemplated having E try to work the US machine because my heart rate was going through the roof waiting.

The wand went in and after about 5 seconds, the doc declared we had a heartbeat. Thankful does not even begin to describe my emotions at that moment.  The nurse measured the heart rate at 175 - just perfect.  Then she measured baby twice. First measurement was 7w6d and second was 8w1d. I am no longer worried about being a 1-3 days behind. The fact that this little baby grew between 8 and 10 days worth of growth in a week has me feeling more confident we're on track. There was no sign of the bleeding pocket at all. Everything looks wonderful were their words. I am ready to graduate.

Wow! It was all surreal. My former and favorite nurse actually checked us out, gave us our instructions and paperwork to take to my OB.  She hugged us really tight and said she was elated for us...and so happy she was there to wish us well. I mentioned we wouldn't be coming back and she said that's great.  It was a really nice way to leave the office; I actually almost cried as we walked through those doors on our way out for the very last time.  I hope more than anything I never have to go back there again.

E was a little taken aback when they said we could graduate. I could tell he wasn't quite ready. I knew it was a possibility though. We had 3 USs with them.  With C they allowed us to have an extra US at 9 weeks which of course we opted for, but in the end we still ended up with 3 US all together.

So, now I'm my OB's patient. Calling their office was incredibly strange. I love my OB and wanted to be sure I saw him for my first appointment. Too bad I have to wait till the 18th, but I am hoping I'll be OK with the anxiety. I don't dare try to use my doppler ahead of 10 weeks. There's no way we'd hear the heartbeat before then. 

I still don't feel that many symptoms. I get a little bit queasy in the evening but it's barely there. And just yesterday I "noticed" my boobs. They aren't really sore but they feel a little bigger. Thankfully, I still fit in my bras. I sometimes wish I would throw up each morning just for that reassurance.

We are still moving ahead with the adoption paperwork and if things go well at our next appointment, we'll tell our social worker that we'd like to delay the process - not stop it entirely yet.

I am so happy that we've gotten this far but am of course scared for the future of this pregnancy. I would love for it to continue uneventfully but I'm not naive. A lot can still happen.