Just got the call from the clinic saying my HCG is finally back to zero.
It was really hard going in for blood work this morning. On check out, I had a question about my billing and the staff assistant asked, "Did you have a positive pregnancy test?" I answered as best I could, "Well I did...then I didn't." I didn't know how to say anything else. It was as simple as that. One day it was there and the next - nothing. This really blows!
I'm trying to concentrate on next steps - solo adoption meeting with the social worker tomorrow. I hope I don't cry during this one. It will be hard not having E there with me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
Wow - it's mid-February! I had forgotten how much time seems to fly by when you're not cycling or in a 2WW or waiting to cycle. I know technically we may be cycling again but it's a few months out - either April/May or most likely May/June. I do hope these next three months fly by.
Before I jump in here - Beta last Friday was at 11.7 so I have to get tested again on Thursday. It had better be negative by then!
I have been so busy gathering all the necessary paperwork and meeting with our social worker. We had our first official meeting last Thursday. It lasted about 2 hours and we talked about how we met, what first attracted us to our spouse, our early relationship...and we talked about infertility.
I described the road we've been on for the past 2.5 years and how I recently began seeing a therapist. Surprisingly, they are very supportive if you're getting counseling. They like to know you're dealing with all the feelings surrounding your infertility and adoption in a healthy and productive way. In describing our road, I broke down at one point when I got to my sister's pregnancy. It's basically what drove me into therapy. I didn't expect to cry and it really caught me off guard.
I still have so many jealous, angry, guilty feelings surrounding my sister's pregnancy. I wish I could be there for her at this time. I wish I could be happy for her and talk about the baby's room, the decorations, etc. I can barely even muster up the tiniest, "How are you feeling today?" when we chat on the phone which is few and far between these days. Therapy has taught me though that all these things are normal and that one day, infertility will be over. GOD I HOPE SOON!
Anyway, the meeting went really well and I have my one-on-one meeting with our social worker this Friday. I am currently working on the adoption questionnaire which has to be submitted before the meeting. Apparently, most people write about 2-3 pages. I'm at 6 and I'm not even done yet. I suppose I'm over thinking all of this and just need to get to the point.
There have been a few more interesting adoption bumps which I haven't yet blogged about but will soon. This process, now that we're in the weeds, is difficult! It's not romantic like they show in the movies - it's very serious. I guess I had idealized adoption somewhat to making it more simple than it really is. I thought, well, you fill out some forms, wait a little while and then someone hands you the baby you've been wanting for so long. Well, nope not like that at all I'm discovering. I have been forced to get to the oh-so messy feelings behind adoption, are we ready? can I do this? what does having a child who isn't biologically mine really mean? There will be grief that we as adoptive parents experience. There will be grief that our child experiences.
I have always admired adoptive parents, but going through this process, I have come to respect and appreciate them even more. It truly takes a special couple or individual to put themselves ALL THE WAY out there, to open their hearts and adopt.
Before I jump in here - Beta last Friday was at 11.7 so I have to get tested again on Thursday. It had better be negative by then!
I have been so busy gathering all the necessary paperwork and meeting with our social worker. We had our first official meeting last Thursday. It lasted about 2 hours and we talked about how we met, what first attracted us to our spouse, our early relationship...and we talked about infertility.
I described the road we've been on for the past 2.5 years and how I recently began seeing a therapist. Surprisingly, they are very supportive if you're getting counseling. They like to know you're dealing with all the feelings surrounding your infertility and adoption in a healthy and productive way. In describing our road, I broke down at one point when I got to my sister's pregnancy. It's basically what drove me into therapy. I didn't expect to cry and it really caught me off guard.
I still have so many jealous, angry, guilty feelings surrounding my sister's pregnancy. I wish I could be there for her at this time. I wish I could be happy for her and talk about the baby's room, the decorations, etc. I can barely even muster up the tiniest, "How are you feeling today?" when we chat on the phone which is few and far between these days. Therapy has taught me though that all these things are normal and that one day, infertility will be over. GOD I HOPE SOON!
Anyway, the meeting went really well and I have my one-on-one meeting with our social worker this Friday. I am currently working on the adoption questionnaire which has to be submitted before the meeting. Apparently, most people write about 2-3 pages. I'm at 6 and I'm not even done yet. I suppose I'm over thinking all of this and just need to get to the point.
There have been a few more interesting adoption bumps which I haven't yet blogged about but will soon. This process, now that we're in the weeds, is difficult! It's not romantic like they show in the movies - it's very serious. I guess I had idealized adoption somewhat to making it more simple than it really is. I thought, well, you fill out some forms, wait a little while and then someone hands you the baby you've been wanting for so long. Well, nope not like that at all I'm discovering. I have been forced to get to the oh-so messy feelings behind adoption, are we ready? can I do this? what does having a child who isn't biologically mine really mean? There will be grief that we as adoptive parents experience. There will be grief that our child experiences.
I have always admired adoptive parents, but going through this process, I have come to respect and appreciate them even more. It truly takes a special couple or individual to put themselves ALL THE WAY out there, to open their hearts and adopt.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Reproductive Immunology - To Test or Not To Test?
The world of assisted reproductive technology is not an exact science, controversy abounds and there seems to be boat loads of money to be made. In my 2.5 years of seeking the assistance of a reproductive endocrinologist, I have consulted with a grand total of 5 REs - not including my 2 surgeons who did my lap and my appendectomy and the NaPro OBGYN. Since proving my doctors wrong with my stage 4 endometriosis, I have developed a deep sense of distrust in any one or two medical opinions. This is a double-edged sword.
I am exhausted from requesting, copying and mailing my medical records. I am exhausted from scheduling and attending appointments. I think I am exhausting E by dragging him around to all these appointments with me. Some REs have disagreed and some have agreed with certain aspects of another doctor's treatment - but certainly the difference of opinion is staggering in this medical arena.
Probably one of the most controversial aspects seems to be the immune system's role in infertility. Most REs prescribe to the view that if you test enough things, you're bound to find something wrong OR the opinion that immunology tests aren't standardized enough yet OR the presence of immune markers don't necessarily point to worse outcomes with IVF. Whatever the case may be, it's tough to find a "believer" if you don't go to one of the top clinics like Cornell, SIRM or CCRM.
I have always felt more comfortable making decisions about our treatment having more information - it's why I pushed for the lap. That and surgery was covered by insurance where IVF was not. I want to know the WHY. So we embark now on the path of immune testing.
I had no idea it will take so freaking LONG to get the results! The first thing RE #4 said was that you have to be patient. Gee, boy - if there's something an infertile shouldn't have to be told it's to "be patient."
Here's the plan:
After I get a negative beta (Friday I hope), E and I come in for immunology blood work 2 weeks later. HCG has to be out of my system. The results will be in about 2 weeks after testing.
When I get my next period - hmm let's see...about 3 weeks from today, I need to call the office to schedule an endometrial biopsy for cycle days 24-26 of that cycle. No trying to get pregnant on our own this month or next because if we accidentally get pregnant, that will mess up the test. HAHA accidentally, right.
2 weeks after the biopsy is done, we will get results and formulate a plan. Say mid-April. OMG!
I am truly hoping and praying that I have nothing going on in there that would suggest I need immune therapy. RE #4 seemed to think there could be a chance I don't have any additional issues and all we need to do is adjust the protocol - Long Lupron and add ICSI. That means I would be cycling again say April/May or May/June.
But if I do have immune issues and they have to be treated before we cycle (which happens) then we're looking at a July/August timeline. Holy heck! How will I ever wait that long?
We will decide in April whether or not to solicit for a birth mother or to do one more IVF. We have a long road either way.
I am exhausted from requesting, copying and mailing my medical records. I am exhausted from scheduling and attending appointments. I think I am exhausting E by dragging him around to all these appointments with me. Some REs have disagreed and some have agreed with certain aspects of another doctor's treatment - but certainly the difference of opinion is staggering in this medical arena.
Probably one of the most controversial aspects seems to be the immune system's role in infertility. Most REs prescribe to the view that if you test enough things, you're bound to find something wrong OR the opinion that immunology tests aren't standardized enough yet OR the presence of immune markers don't necessarily point to worse outcomes with IVF. Whatever the case may be, it's tough to find a "believer" if you don't go to one of the top clinics like Cornell, SIRM or CCRM.
I have always felt more comfortable making decisions about our treatment having more information - it's why I pushed for the lap. That and surgery was covered by insurance where IVF was not. I want to know the WHY. So we embark now on the path of immune testing.
I had no idea it will take so freaking LONG to get the results! The first thing RE #4 said was that you have to be patient. Gee, boy - if there's something an infertile shouldn't have to be told it's to "be patient."
Here's the plan:
After I get a negative beta (Friday I hope), E and I come in for immunology blood work 2 weeks later. HCG has to be out of my system. The results will be in about 2 weeks after testing.
When I get my next period - hmm let's see...about 3 weeks from today, I need to call the office to schedule an endometrial biopsy for cycle days 24-26 of that cycle. No trying to get pregnant on our own this month or next because if we accidentally get pregnant, that will mess up the test. HAHA accidentally, right.
2 weeks after the biopsy is done, we will get results and formulate a plan. Say mid-April. OMG!
I am truly hoping and praying that I have nothing going on in there that would suggest I need immune therapy. RE #4 seemed to think there could be a chance I don't have any additional issues and all we need to do is adjust the protocol - Long Lupron and add ICSI. That means I would be cycling again say April/May or May/June.
But if I do have immune issues and they have to be treated before we cycle (which happens) then we're looking at a July/August timeline. Holy heck! How will I ever wait that long?
We will decide in April whether or not to solicit for a birth mother or to do one more IVF. We have a long road either way.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The De-brief
On Friday I was finally in the mind-set to talk to the doc about what went wrong. He shared his disappointment with us and said he was truly sorry - he thought this was it. He also said that while it's not unheard of - it's certainly unusual for a beta # like I had to go downhill so fast.
Since my beta on Friday was down to 170, I will go back in this Friday to make sure it's negative. They will need to follow it all the way down. Since it declined so rapidly, I fully expect to have a negative # on Friday - but we could always be surprised. I stopped my meds on Friday and began spotting Saturday. Now AF is in full force.
The doc is hopeful that all we really need is a new protocol. Oddly, it's the same protocol RE #2 originally presented to us. RE #4 also agrees with as referenced in today's appointment, but I'll blog about that tomorrow. It's strange to finally have 3 doctors agree on something fertility related here. So not my experience thus far. RE #3 (current) suggested long lupron protocol with ICSI because we had such a poor fertilization rate. They should be sending me a new protocol this week so I can review it and think about next steps.
E and I took Thursday off work to process everything as Wednesday, I was pretty much a zombie. An appointment with my therapist Thursday afternoon definitely helped me process my grief. I took Friday off as well and spent it running some errands and chilling out. We had dinner with some fabulous friends from our RESOLVE support group which was just what the doctor ordered. Margaritas and fajitas with some fun people who just "get it." Our friends gave us an update from group since we missed - 1 of the 3 couples (me and E included) had a sustained BFP. It was the couple who had been in group the longest, had endured the most and had waited almost 1 year for their donor egg cycle. I am thrilled for them, but they were the support group veterans. That means E and I will now be the longest standing members of the group I think. It's a little daunting to realize. We started attending group in May right after my lap - a whole 8 months later and nada. A chemical pregnancy is all we have to show for it, but I suppose it's better than nothing. I am so happy for them but so sad for us. That just seems to be how the infertility game works.
Since my beta on Friday was down to 170, I will go back in this Friday to make sure it's negative. They will need to follow it all the way down. Since it declined so rapidly, I fully expect to have a negative # on Friday - but we could always be surprised. I stopped my meds on Friday and began spotting Saturday. Now AF is in full force.
The doc is hopeful that all we really need is a new protocol. Oddly, it's the same protocol RE #2 originally presented to us. RE #4 also agrees with as referenced in today's appointment, but I'll blog about that tomorrow. It's strange to finally have 3 doctors agree on something fertility related here. So not my experience thus far. RE #3 (current) suggested long lupron protocol with ICSI because we had such a poor fertilization rate. They should be sending me a new protocol this week so I can review it and think about next steps.
E and I took Thursday off work to process everything as Wednesday, I was pretty much a zombie. An appointment with my therapist Thursday afternoon definitely helped me process my grief. I took Friday off as well and spent it running some errands and chilling out. We had dinner with some fabulous friends from our RESOLVE support group which was just what the doctor ordered. Margaritas and fajitas with some fun people who just "get it." Our friends gave us an update from group since we missed - 1 of the 3 couples (me and E included) had a sustained BFP. It was the couple who had been in group the longest, had endured the most and had waited almost 1 year for their donor egg cycle. I am thrilled for them, but they were the support group veterans. That means E and I will now be the longest standing members of the group I think. It's a little daunting to realize. We started attending group in May right after my lap - a whole 8 months later and nada. A chemical pregnancy is all we have to show for it, but I suppose it's better than nothing. I am so happy for them but so sad for us. That just seems to be how the infertility game works.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
I am better today, but...
There will be no announcing my pregnancy when my sister delivers her first in March. There will be no Easter dinner where we share the news with my cousins. There will be no October 3rd birthday parties in the yard when the weather has cooled, yet it's still warm and you can start to smell fall in the air. There will be no year of the dragon baby. 2012 will not be the year I give birth.
We missed group last night because we didn't know how to handle it. I'm not having a baby, but I'm not not pregnant either technically. I would probably just ball my eyes out anyway, but not being there hurts too. I miss my friends. The only ones who can understand the pain I'm in. And yet, they'll likely think we're missing group because we have good news to share. That's the worst part.
We missed group last night because we didn't know how to handle it. I'm not having a baby, but I'm not not pregnant either technically. I would probably just ball my eyes out anyway, but not being there hurts too. I miss my friends. The only ones who can understand the pain I'm in. And yet, they'll likely think we're missing group because we have good news to share. That's the worst part.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Speechless...and not in a good way
I got the message 45 mins ago as I was walking back to work from lunch with a friend. I saw who had called and my legs went numb. My heart was beating through my ears. I had to remind myself to breathe and that no matter what I'd be OK. As soon as I heard the tone of her voice, I knew. Beta levels dropped to 400 something. The doctor will call this afternoon. Come back in on Friday. Continue your meds. I'm so sorry.
I called E, told him the news. His reaction, "Well that's what we thought" -was not what I wanted to hear and I hung up on him. I turned my phone on silent. When E emailed, I told him what the nurse had said and that I couldn't talk to the doc today but if he wanted to, he could.
I have no idea how I will make it through work today. I wish I could say that I'm numb, but I'm not. I feel each fiber of my head, my heart, my muscles, my joints, my fingers and my toes and they all hurt like hell.
I called E, told him the news. His reaction, "Well that's what we thought" -was not what I wanted to hear and I hung up on him. I turned my phone on silent. When E emailed, I told him what the nurse had said and that I couldn't talk to the doc today but if he wanted to, he could.
I have no idea how I will make it through work today. I wish I could say that I'm numb, but I'm not. I feel each fiber of my head, my heart, my muscles, my joints, my fingers and my toes and they all hurt like hell.
The Cloud
I had no idea just how miserable and unhappy I've been this past year, or even the last 2 years until yesterday. I knew I wasn't myself of course, I had good days and bad days, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized I had been living a "new normal."
This weekend when I saw a glimmer of hope in the first BFP I ever witnessed, the cloud started to move away. I felt a little lighter, the scenery seemed a little prettier and even my terrible boss didn't seem so bad. I began to hope again.
Then as the events of yesterday unfolded, I felt the cloud creep back over. I hadn't even realized I had been living under this cloud until it was lifted off for a few brief moments. I suddenly thought to myself, "How on Earth will I get through this?" Then it dawned on me, "I'll survive...I've been doing it all along. Somehow putting one foot in front of the other." I'll just being going back to the old me, and leaving the fleeting new me behind.
The cloud hurts. It makes me skip things I wish I could attend. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me jealous, it makes me someone I know in my heart that I am not. I will be happy to get rid of it, but it's familiar and I suppose I have learned how to deal with it.
These thoughts led me to another, albeit, spiritual or new-age-y thought: I wonder if we only experience happiness if we've experienced pain? That we don't understand what it means to have happy feelings if we're happy all the time. The things I noticed during my brief respite from the pain were simple, insignificant things, but they were incredibly beautiful to me. I would like to return to the beautiful but I don't think I'll be coming back to that any time soon.
Now, as I am waiting for the results of my beta test, I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until my life is happy again. I know I have some control over this situation but it's hard to remember right now and all I want to do is sleep till it's over.
This weekend when I saw a glimmer of hope in the first BFP I ever witnessed, the cloud started to move away. I felt a little lighter, the scenery seemed a little prettier and even my terrible boss didn't seem so bad. I began to hope again.
Then as the events of yesterday unfolded, I felt the cloud creep back over. I hadn't even realized I had been living under this cloud until it was lifted off for a few brief moments. I suddenly thought to myself, "How on Earth will I get through this?" Then it dawned on me, "I'll survive...I've been doing it all along. Somehow putting one foot in front of the other." I'll just being going back to the old me, and leaving the fleeting new me behind.
The cloud hurts. It makes me skip things I wish I could attend. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me jealous, it makes me someone I know in my heart that I am not. I will be happy to get rid of it, but it's familiar and I suppose I have learned how to deal with it.
These thoughts led me to another, albeit, spiritual or new-age-y thought: I wonder if we only experience happiness if we've experienced pain? That we don't understand what it means to have happy feelings if we're happy all the time. The things I noticed during my brief respite from the pain were simple, insignificant things, but they were incredibly beautiful to me. I would like to return to the beautiful but I don't think I'll be coming back to that any time soon.
Now, as I am waiting for the results of my beta test, I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until my life is happy again. I know I have some control over this situation but it's hard to remember right now and all I want to do is sleep till it's over.
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