Has the Fat Lady Sung?

Bright red blood at 10am this morning....definitely more than just spotting. More cramping...AF is on her way I just know it. How could this happen? Beta was "perfect" yesterday. I thought you couldn't get your period while you're on progesterone?

My head says this is all over but my heart still wants to believe. I will go in for a beta test tomorrow as usual but history says that my head usually wins out.

Living in Slow Motion

About 30 more hours till we find out if we're still in the game here.  I have so many feelings occuring all at once it's really difficult to concentrate at work.

Last night, E and I decided to celebrate a little with a dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants.  I didn't feel like cooking and we didn't go out to eat all weekend so we decided a Monday evening out was in order.  We of course couldn't talk about anything but what was going on in my nether regions. We both confessed how scary this was and how worried we are that this won't work out. 

E has a much better perspective on all this than I do.  Maybe it's because he doesn't have to analyze every single spot, twinge, cramp, etc. like I do.  He is hopeful, but cautious...I can see how happy he is on the inside though.  He is excited that this is the furtherest we've gotten and that IVF may indeed work for us.  He reassures me that no matter what we'll get through this.  He is exactly what I need.

I had a teeny bit of brown spotting last night when we got home from dinner. E again reassured me that this was totally normal.  Thankfully I haven't had any more spotting this morning -but cramping on and off.  And no more sore boobs. I loved the sore boobs! They were a great reminder of what was going on in my body.

I'm having a hard time sleeping and I think these next few days are going to be some of the more difficult we've had to endure.  I know the chances of miscarriage are increased with IVF, then I think they're even increased with women with endometriosis too.  I just want so badly for this to be the end of our journey and I'm doing my best to hang in there.

760

That's beta #1 at 14dp5dt.  It's a very good number...now I have to go back on Wednesday to make sure it doubles.

I've never gotten this far before so why am I not jumping for joy?  I am a little happy I guess, but not as happy as I thought I'd be. I'm more scared and worried than ever though.  This rollercoaster has taught me that just when you let your guard down, put on a smile and let go of the safety bar - WHAM! It hits you with a drop you never could have expected.

I guess I am just wating to be disapointed and hurt again.  I certainly didn't think this cycle would work so maybe I'm just waiting to be proven right.  I have no idea...it feels so strange. This is everything I have been hoping for and yet I can't seem to be excited about it.  Our happy ending still has so many question marks to it and I feel sad that I think I'm bringing E down.  He's elated and I just wish I was too.

Here are just a few of the thoughts that are screaming through my head at any given second:

OMG and I ready to be a mom?
Will I be a good mom?
What if this is ectopic, I end up in the hospital and I lose a tube?
What if we get to 8 weeks and there's no hearbeat?
Can I finally start changing the office into a baby's room?
What if I'm too strict like my dad was?
What if my beta doesn't double, how will I pick myself back up?
I wonder if this will help/hurt my endo?
How soon will be try for number 2?

Yeah, I know - all sorts of weird weird stuff going around in my head. 

About to Throw Up

Today is beta day.  I went in for bloodwork about a hour ago, and now I have to wait...

I caved on Friday night and tested...it was faintly positive. I had never seen one before so I had E come in to inspect. He saw something too. 

I tested 2x on Saturday morning, 2x on Sunday morning and 2x this morning...all positive. I am 14dp5dt or 19 days past ovulation.  I am so nervous though this is going to be a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage, an ectopic...you name it.  This morning's Answer test seemed less strong than yesterday, but those tests I swear are the worst.  My breasts were really sore on Friday and Saturday...Sunday and today not so much. The presence of symptoms is making me crazy, the absence of symptoms is making me even more crazy.

I'll write more about this whole experience later, but I wanted to update you.  I just can't believe that we'll get our happy ending. 

My Resolve is Weakening

I had promised myself I would wait to test until beta day.  When I found out that beta day was going to be delayed a day because my clinic, the largest in the nation mind you, doesn't do betas on the weekend, I just about flipped. I am going to have to wait ONE MORE DAY!?!?

So I rationalized with myself that I would allow a HPT on Sunday the 30th because that's when my true beta should be done.  There would be a lessened chance of error on that day.  Well I've got essentially 2 more days until Sunday and I'm dying over here...just dying.

I am convinced we're out this cycle and I just need to know so I can move on.  I feel stalled....the uncertainty is killing me when I know in my heart that this didn't work. I need biological confirmation.  I'm starting to feel crampy...the same symptoms I had for a week before my last failed fresh IVF.  The cramps didn't come on at the same time and they're not quite as bad, but cramps all the same.  Absolutely no other symptoms. 

I'm so sure this didn't work that I'm starting to wonder if I should test tomorrow morning. We have plans to babysit my cousin's kids on Saturday night - probably not the best idea but my cousin and her husband are wonderful people and they don't get a date night very often I couldn't turn them down. Plus we love love their kids.

If I test and I know it's negative, it might make babysitting harder. If I test and out of some miracle it's positive, will I be able to trust the results?  I know what I need to do in my head, but my heart wants to test so badly.  Going to ask E what he wants to do...I may have news tomorrow.

Mind, body and spirit

It's extremely difficult to keep all these things at their peak during the trying to conceive journey.  It's exhausting to remember all your meds, shots, vitamins, no lifiting anything over 25 lbs.  Exhausting to endure excruciating periods, BFN after BFN after BFN, pregnancy announcements, silly comments from strangers and the many other hurtful things that only infertiles can explain. 

I've always focused my energy on keeping my body in the best baby-friendly condition.  My faith has wained but in the last few months, I've decided to take better care of the mind portion.  E and I joined a support group and I see a therapist regularly.  It really wasn't until my younger sister announced her pregnancy in August that I really jumped into the therapy idea.  The first session was a little weird and awkward but each session, I learned more about my feelings, I discovered some coping strategies and gained important perspective on some of my actions. 

I always had a slightly negative opinion about people who needed therapy.  Being a strong and independent woman, I never thought I'd be the type to need it.  To put it lightly, I have learned otherwise.  No matter the individual, we all go through hard times and sometimes you just need guidance on how to deal with situations you've never faced. We don't have all the answers - especially in infertility when the level of effort does not proportionally equal the results.

I am lucky to have found an excellent therapist who specializes in infertility and to attend a great support group.  The girls in the group got together Saturday for lunch - our first non-sanctioned gathering.  I thought it might be a little awkward, but we all had such a great time.  We went for pizza at a casual restaurant and just talked about whatever - infertility, vacations, doctors, treatments, and weekend plans.  We have old, we have young, we have African American women, Indian women, stay at home wives and career women.  Infertility doesn't discriminate it seems.  I am so grateful for their encouragement, advice and words of wisdom.  They often make me feel like I can get through this terrible journey and of course let me know that I'm not alone.

If you have a friend who's going through infertility, let her vent, get angry, laugh, cry - whatever she needs. She just needs you not to judge or offer trite solutions.   This journey affects us all differently and for those of you in the middle of it, I would encourage you to find some sort of support whether it's through a group or a proffessional.  I can't tell you how much it has helped.

So once a month or so we go to group and once a week I go to therapy...hoping I won't need these for very much longer but if I do...I do and that's that.

Whirlwind

So much is going on right now - work has been nuts, adoption, infertility - just lots to think about and not enough time to write about it all. 

I have counseling tonight which means I'll get home a little early so I hope to have some time to write about what's been going on. 

Seven more days till beta day...and six more days till I take a HPT.  I am really doing well with the waiting this time around, likely because I feel absolutely nothing and have no hope this worked.  Ok, off to get analyzed!